So W’s Father left when she was young and physically abandoned the family. Her mother at that time emotionally abandoned the family, she suddenly became a single mother working two jobs and back at school. The only love she was shown during this time was the constant pushing by her mother to succeed in life and school. But nothing was centered on the kids emotional needs. Every opportunity was to teach them instead of letting them have some fun, all museums all the time.
My W had to fend for herself for the most part, her stories are heart wrenching. It wasn’t that it was an abusive home, there just wasn’t a home. Everything was withheld at there house, friends, dating, hell even sugar. When my w graduated from high school she still had to be in by 10pm. It had to be suffocating. She had to do a school sport if she wanted a job, and she had to have a job if she wanted to drive. Her time was so busy and filed up, she never got to be her.
Well she hits college, and her sister followed one year later. They were the party, they blew up with fun. They through huge house parties, drank every single night and lived like there was no tomorrow.
Then she meets me, and I provide all of the protection and security she never had. I support her and her dreams. I’m there for her, I stand behind her decisions and always encourage her. I take her on trips to places that are within 3 hours of her home and she has never seen. We spend weekends hiking, boating, going to visit other cities and she has never done anything like that. Everything is new for her, I don’t stop at the museum’s and force us to appreciate something we don’t care to see. I take her four wheeling, camping and we go out to movies and restaurants. All things that never happened at her house.
After we are married I start to run the show, even more so when we had our S. I control the finances, jobs, the budget. I shut down with school, I became very serious when our S was on the way and quit having fun, started to prepare to take care of everything. She has told me this, but I just didn’t realize it so much. I have become her mother. I was controlling all of the aspects of her life. I stifled all of the fun, encouraged saving every cent for a better tomorrow. I quit letting her live for today, stopped the fun and got down to business. We never struck a balance. Now she is out living it up, buying herself the car and having a good time. I wouldn’t want to come home to me either, what a bore.
I have to go back to the person I was when I meet her. Show her that she can live life and still have her family. Wow, this has really hit hard, it’s much worse then I thought and will take a lot to dig out of. At least now I know what has transpired and can easily get the compass in the right direction, and have reference points.
Comments welcome. I actually was going to throw a huge house party a few weeks ago to get back in touch with everyone. Maybe I’ll ask her if she wants to do it with me. Probably not a great idea yet, especially since we are on the edge of D. How can I show her without the talking anymore that I want her to have fun?
A Pretty much a lot of what you said fits me and I am sure a lot of other men out there who feel this overwhelming need to provide and give our Ws everything we / they didnt have, and as a result, wiping the fun out of life.
Dont feel bad about it, it is very noble in my opinion, we just need to lighten up. Throwing a big party is probably not the answer, it is way more subtle than that.
If your like me, you do not smile as much as you used to, take every situation so seriously it can just push others away, so just start by lightening up on your expectations about life / others and find small things to do.
Your call, I could see a big party as pushing things if you invite her.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Atlas, discovering the problem is half the battle. Instead of asking her to throw a house party with you can you start doing those things with your S that you did with her? My H put our children on his quad, you can get a stroller and take him on hikes and picnics and focus on doing fun things with him. When W sees this then maybe that will make her think that you are fun again.
On the daycare thing, I know my children are shy at first and my S used to cry that he didn't want to go there because he had no friends. Ask the DC workers to get him involved in group activites with the other kids and maybe he will become happier.
I hate moving my kids to a new school and DC because it took them so long to make friends and now they have and now I have to move them.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
Hey Atlas, huge realization. Hit home for me too. I found myself questioning things to do b/c I was focused on paying down debt I brought in to the R. We went places all the time while dating. Days before the bomb, W mentioned a short weekend trip, and while I showed interest, I aasked how much it cost. She was practically begging to go away with her and reconnect. IDIOT!!! She has been going out with friends a lot more since the separation. I have encouraged her, smiled, and remarked on how much fun those events must be. I visited a friend last night just to get out and do something. Had a couple drinks and played Super Tecmo (we have a 4 man garage league, we're that cool). Last night, coupled with your realization really make me see that I gotta go farther back than I thought to be that mushroom (you know a fun guy). Dig deep my friend. Have you taken a ride in her car? Maybe if that's a possibility, a good opportunity to tell her how much you like it b/c it is so fun. Baby steps to that party.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
W called in total tears. Apparently she went and saw my mother. They had a big talk about S, our R and M. I guess my mother was pretty damn real with W.
Well W wants to fix it all, says she has to come home. I really couldn't understand much of what she was saying through the crying, told her to pull over she was driving. Scared to death for her. Well she just kept repeating that she wanted her family, wanted me to hold her and would be there after work tonight.
I can't hold my breath after last time, so we will see. It defiently sounds like guilt. Any suggestions to build off that, I know it isn't an ideal way for her to come home?
It would be helpful to know the context of the conversation between your W and mom and what kinds of things were actually talked about. It does sound like guilt driving her home, and like you said, it isn't an ideal way to get her to come back. I guess I would just do what you've been doing -- be that shoulder to lean on and cry on, hold her, listen and validate, empathize, etc. Maybe if she opens up enough you might consider mentioning your realization about the fun guy you used to be and how stuffy and frugal you became in recent years. Don't know how you can do that or if it the best thing to do, but I think it is worth consideration.
Good luck to you Atlas. I would love to be in your shoes, but I'm also reluctant to say your home free. I would be cautiously optimistic and continue with all the DBing stuff. Hopefully everything goes well tonight.
Gone Dancin, Looks like D day is coming up quick. Good luck to you also.
Be there for her. Let her feel the guilt, you have to let her hurt. No tell her it's all OK, just listen and validate. But let her hurt. I'd say that's how you build. Hopefully it lasts a couple days, then tell her that you forgive her. I wish my W would tell me how she is hurting. Hoping to get it all out in the open this weekend! I'm scared more than I have ever been in my life. Good luck Atlas!
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643
So sorry about your S and his experiences with the daycare. He probably needs the support from your W which he is not getting. My D6 loves daycare but sometimes she will tell me when I'm neglecting to pick her up to start picking up the slack and maybe once in a while pick her up from daycare.
I can relate to your story about providing for the family after the marriage. I was too caught up with not messing up with the bills and the financial situation that I neglected the fun side of having a family. As a result the W dropped the bomb. We're ok now - better than when we started. I just have to remember to have fun once in a while and to just let go.
Good luck with your present sitch. Your W's willingness to fix the R is a very positive sign. Just listen and validate. It might not turn out after the guilt has subsided so well so just be prepared for her to pull away.
Me: 40 W: 39 D12 D9 D6 ILYBNILWY: 06/15/07 "We can work things out": 06/21/07 Currently: Still together, DB'ing every day
She pulled back last night. Said she no longer wants to be the villian, it came out that now her entire family thinks she is making a mistake. Only person that agrees with a D is her therapist friend that has never even met me. Asked her if she thought that odd that the one person who agrees with her doesn't even know me, but her whole family thinks she is making a poor choice.
Well it went from bad to worse, to I'm basically nothing to her. Then when I told her I couldn't get her insurance, she suddenly buttered me right up. It pissed me off so bad, I didn't lash out, but just said she would have to do it herself.
She called later last night, told me sorry for the argument, I did the same, but no head way on that talk. Called this morning to say Hi, I went straight to business, needed some nice clothes for S, I'm taking him to a reception tonight. She lingered on the phone and wanted to chit chat, but I can't anymore, just got it over with.
Well after thinking last night I still don't know what to do. I can't keep this up. I'm for sure going to pull back, no more help, money or assistance. I'm not going to hang out with her anymore. Right now, we are gettting no where. So she needs to see how the single mother life is going to be.
I really think she has emotional issues that need attention and I don't think I want to be married to that. Last night a friend reminded me of all the times he has seen her do things, and it has really jogged my recollection of all the crazy stuff. I'm really leaning to just wanting her out of my life and be done. i know each day changes that, but for the last 3 or 4 days I've just felt that I want her gone.
