Finally making the move to piecing. A little nervous just to be posting as if it will jinx the progress that has been made in the past few months between H and I. I remember talking to Jen and Rob on the phone during one of the DB outings several months ago, hoping to meet them here, but now that I am posting, I am hesitant, thinking to myself, is this where I should be?
I haven't posted in a while. Had gone on vacation with the family including H. Big difference from last year where I went with the kids and left H at home as it was just after the bomb.
Quick update and a little background for those new to my sitch:
Married 13 years, known H for over 23 years. 3 kids. Typical busy life style with two working parents and active kids who play many after school sports but my M got away from me and H was put on the backburner as I didn't make time for him in our busy schedule. So, last year I find out that H was having an EA with our realtor. H was done, wanted out, didn't want to be without the kids but didn't want to stay with me. I really didn't go into the begging/pleading stage. I simply cried a lot and because I was also laid off from my job at the time, just had too much time on my hands to think. H just stayed away from me as much as possible from last July to Jan or Feb of this year. Then he started to stick around more, he started going to MC with the intention of getting things settled for D. I found DB around Aug/Sept 06 and read all of the suggested books and started GAL.
Fast forward to today: new job, H has recommitted both verbally and in action. We still go to MC and IC as well.
My H has some idealistic views on R where he believes that he shouldn't have to tell me if he has an issue because then I will only change because it was brought up not because I wanted to. H tends to clam up when something is bothering him and processes things in his own head without talking to me about it. He has drawn his own conclusions before getting all of the info. Yes, these are big topics in MC.
The issue now is that I cannot seem to be able to get the OW out of my head. She lives in the same town that we do; her son plays sports with our kids so we see her all the time. yes, I know, don't let this OW have power over me, etc... Makes sense and all but easier said than done. I get all tense when I know I am going to see her, can't look at her, let alone talk to her (as my D6 is climbing on her). OW and I used to be friendly with each other. Not friends per se, but sports mom's hanging out talking while our kids played. My IC says I should nuetralize her by talking to her. Just can't do it.
H and I have talked about this. I told him how I feel and he gets it and does reassure me that it is me that he wants and that professing his undying love and commitment to her last year was a side effect of not feeling that from me and not something that he actually felt for her. So at this point, it is me according to H that is stopping the progress that we have made. Last MC session, he said that this puts us back.
I attempted to discuss with him a few nights ago as I recently met up with some other DB friends and their families (without H). I've told him about this support group that I joined and that I need help in getting past this. The talk went something like this: me: IC asked why I can forgive you and move on but not forgive OW? H: forgive me, why forgive me? I did nothing wrong. me: falling in love with someone else when you're married is not right. H: silence
He has said this before. H believes that because he never slept with her that he did nothing wrong.
So here we are now, H thinks that my inability to get over OW is hindering our ability to move forward. I think that his view of things (did nothing wrong) may be part of the problem that I cannot seem to let it go. I think to myself, if H admitted that it was wrong, would that help me let it go? I am not sure. I know that he has let her go.
Well, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
