Sandi...you are helping others right now...just like AmyC suggested...I have read where you have explained as best you could the feelings you have/had as a WAW to those who are struggling to have some sort of understanding...you have laid your self out there for others even though you are in pain too...this sort of giving and helping of others will help to bring a long way in your own healing...and in your own forgiveness...I agree 1000% with what your mother said because I saw this with my H...he couldn't really accept my forgiveness...or God's for that matter...until he had forgiven himself...
Something that might help you here...is it is time to forgive yourself when you are no longer "practicing sin"...that is you are no longer communicating with that man...and you are working on making things write...yes, at times you feel weak...you might think wrong thoughts but you don't ACT on them and you keep plugging ahead...it is vital to forgive yourself now for THOSE PAST actions...and keep seeking forgiveness for the day to day things we all deal with...you NEED God's forgiveness...you NEED your H's forgiveness...you NEED your families forgiveness...but most of all before all others you have to be ready to forgive yourself (i.e. stop your sins and acknowledged your errors)...
Sandi...you have done wonderful selfsacraficing things here...you are desiring to work things out with your husband...and in time I am sure you will start thinking "those" thoughts about him that are more wifely...you taking steps to build that R/M back with him...to respect him for his love and devotion instead of looking at him with those "other glasses"...the blinders that Satan uses on us when we are down and weak...it is understandable how things happened with your H given the long lack of intimacy...but still you have not given up in your heart...there remained enough in you for you to pull away from what was wrong and realize that you NEEDED to work on what was right...I have faith in you that like my H...who had lost desire and love for me...and he had actually had not only an EA but a PA and had moved away from me...that someday...your determination and actions will pay off with a spark for your H...and eventually a desire with the kind of love you want...and the love he wants from you, his wife....
It is all inside of you Sandi...you just have to keep peeking through the cracks, unlocking all those doors, taking down the bricks in those wall one by one...and then one day you will be here not with shame and guilt...but with confidence and success that you can share with others...that you can give back to prevent may another "almost WAW/WAH" from exiting the door of their home...or you can comfort one who is a LBS as you have been doing in helping them understand those feelings...you ARE DOING A WONDERFUL THING HERE...it won't go unnoticed...it won't go unrewarded!!!
Remember that and like Amy said again....listen to your mother she sounds like a very precious and wise woman...
Hope you continue to feel better each day...physically, emotionally, and spiritually....take care....Lin
