As hard as it will be to have, you must have an honest conversation with you W about how you feel. You are not responsible for her self esteem issues and as long as you approach this subject with as much kindness and love as possible, you should not fear the truth. Some H's are cruel and want to shame their wives into losing weight--that doesn't work and will ultimately lead to unhappiness for both people. You owe it to yourself and to your wife to lay it on the table--it could save you both years of unhappiness. RESPECT HER ENOUGH TO BE HONEST WITH HER!!!!
Denial is a powerful force and she will not take hints. This is really no time for subtlety, you are in a danger zone. She knows she is overweight, but she does not know that her appearance is making a dangerous situation for her marriage. She DOES NOT KNOW and you have to tell her, but you have to do it in the right way.
I allowed myself to gain a lot of weight during my marriage. I hated it and tried many things to lose it but it always came back on, it was a struggle. I always thought my H loved me no matter what though. In the end, he confessed my weight did bother him. I so wished he had sat me down and told me how serious his feelings were. He hinted, but I didn't "get" it because I didn't want to. As difficult as it would have been, this is what I wish he had said:
A, I love you very much. You are a beautiful woman but I must tell you that your weight gain bothers me very much. I am unhappy that I don't feel as attracted to you as I used to because I really do love you. This is very hard for me to say because I do not want to hurt you, but I worry for your health and for our future happiness together. I want us to become healthy together and I am willing to help you achieve your goals. (He got healthy and thin and worked out but I did not follow his lead---D'OH!).
I wish he had said something like that to me and used words similar to "our marriage is in trouble because of this." It would have to be done in a loving, concerned and honest way though and then I would have heard him. I could not have accused him of being unkind and my own self esteem would be my problem as it is ultimately for everyone. It would not have hurt a fraction of what he did end up doing. Instead of being courageous and honest, he found someone else to fall in love with--a slender woman who has never had kids to ravage her body. Now THAT is what was truly devastating, that was when I knew how serious he was but by then of course it was too late.
I've lost 60 pounds--look better than I have in years, wish I had done it when I was married but I guess I wasn't motivated before--my fault entirely.
