His anger scares me, not because of him, but because of ME. I'm afraid of his anger. I feel responsible for it in a way. I feel like I have to choose between making him angry or suppressing my feelings and both choices are destructive. Lose-lose.
--and--
My fear is all about me. It's about me. It's not about him. If I could delete the post, I could avoid confrontation. Or whatever I perceive that he might think or feel about himself or about me when he reads these posts. I feel like I need to protect him.
Welcome to the club no-one wants to be a member of. Reading this was like looking even deeper into a mirror for me .... I guess I'm trying to say thanks, although it feels somewhat insulting to say thanks for the fruits of someone else's pain ...
Speaking of mirroring, I think it's a good idea, especially when partners have incompatible communications styles (think that's pretty much everyone, at one time/subject or another ....). It works for everything beyond "nice day we're having, isn't it?" ... not just emotions, but philosophy, opinions on politics/social questions, wild flights of fancy, etc....
Something that my husband and I have found *really* productive is emailing back and forth about known contentious issues. NOT flame mails. Seriously considered calm-tone emails laying out our thought processes and emotions about the subject. We have found that this allows us to avoid the "emotional backwash" that can make it so hard to think straight/stay calm/articulate your position when a conversation begins to hit somebody's hot buttons.
I think it can also make it easier for "fused-empathy" people to say what *must* be said ... that way, you're just focused on expressing your true feelings, not reacting to placate or backpedal based on their facial expression, tone of voice, etc.
It might not work for everyone ... but we've had some great success with it. And I've gotten some emails I treasure and am able to re-read on the inevitable ungood days.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
