It's going to be a bumpy ride

[Dom R]

heya...


I agree with most of what you said, being pretty schmucky. Except for the "dawdling over moving out". I see that as the one positive thing he halfway did recently.

As for the other stuff... Yeah, it sure seems to me like he's been having an affair, or affars, for a long time, and this moveout is finally going to let him wallow in it.

lithmus test, as they say:
if he is, 'she' is probably going to move in with him after a few weeks. IF so.. he's going to be really cagy about letting you be over at "his" (their) apartment. Because her stuff will be in it.

So... sit tight and wait and see, i guess.


PS: he's previously divorced? oops. major red light there, i wasnt aware of that, or it slipped my mind.

In that case, he's heading for the divorce express, i would guess sorry.
If he's already crossed that line before, then it's easy for him to step over it again.

That, compared with his really inconsiderate treatment of you in the case, makes me think that the plan b may indeed be the way to go. Start writing up what you think are the critical things for a good marriage between you, including not treating you in those bad ways he has previously done.. and think about it.

I think he is ABLE to be in a good relationship with you. The only question is, will he choose to be?
Neither you nor I know the answer to that one. You can only prepare for each outcome appropriately.


The harley way, would be to slap the letter on him as soon as he moves out.. which would be now, i guess.

The DB way, might be to wait a week or two, see if he's really shacked up with OW, and then make your decision whether or not you want to wait for him based on that.

As someone else just pointed out: it is HIS choice, whether he keeps his vows or not.
What YOU do, is always your choice.

stay strong for you.

[Trixi]

He is going to be here in about an hour to get more stuff.
Wish me luck.

[SallyM]

go out go out go out.

if not, stay strong. will be thinking of you...take care.

[Trixi]

it went okay.
He was a bit surprised about the bedroom. Plus, I had taken my (and his) favorite painting and put it over the bed.

H-"you took the best painting. *I* love that painting."
Me-"It's pretty easy to have access to it; you just come home and work on the marriage." (said with a smile of course.)

For the most part, it went fine; there was one little part where I got kinda of upset. We are supposed to go to 'our' bar on Sunday for a going away party for our fave bartender and I was having a hard time imagining how it would be. I got teary because this is all so new.

He did say that this is tough on him too. That he is trying to sort things out-but he had been pretty busy. He says that he is NOT at his apartment thinking "yeah-this is so great." He is still having second thoughts; misses having me to talk to; but 'you know, [he] just needs to experience this and work out what it is that [he] needs to work out.'

He suggested that we both work on the yard on Sunday and then go to the bar to see our friend off, so that is the plan.

I think I am depressed or something-maybe overwhelmed. I had wanted to go and do Toastmasters this afternoon and a LeTip meeting this morning, and I just couldn't muster the energy. I feel totally wiped out. I am having a hard time finding the energy to even do my fave thing in the world of working with hot glass.

Maybe it is unrealistic to think that within a few days of him moving out that I would be "normal" and energetic....

[Dom R]

You're going to be stressed as heck, and sad, and...
of COURSE you feel depressed.. you would be wierd if you didnt!

I think you're doing well, given your situation! you are making your home a positive place for you to be, you are not giving your approval for him to be living separately.

remember: pick a plan, and stick to it.
if you're going to do the harley way, do it soon, and stick to it all the way.
If you're not (and sounds like you arent), then feel the grief when you're alone, but fire up the Positive Mental Attitude, and show your strength and attractiveness, when you are together.

[for other women, showing the grief and sadness and might work, but in your case, your husband has already said he wants a 'strong' woman]

You can do it! You ARE strong.
You have feelings, which make you feel sad, and miss him, and make you want to cry sometimes... but having feelings, does not make you weak!

You can show him that.
If you have a crying episode, you might even tell him that.

To use a more guy-oriented metaphore: Courage is not the lack of fear... it is having the strength of will to continue in the face of fear. he might not understand the part about crying, but he will understand the courage bit.

[Trixi]

Nice.
His work just called here asking for him. The guy who called is someone that I have met several times at work functions, so he was friendly, identified himself, and asks for my H.
He says "Is J there?"
Me"...noooo......"
Him "oh, he's not? This is R. Well, I called his cell and left a message. Any idea when he's going to be back?"
Me" uh..nooo..."
Him(sort of chuckling like he is feeling like he is getting H in trouble or something)"Um, well, okay. I just needed to get ahold of him."
Me"if you left a message on his cell, that's your best bet."
Him"okay. Well, if you see him have him call."
Me "Will do."

I had asked him last week if he had told people at work and he said that he had told a few. Then he said "people can be so nosey" and I said "Oh yeah? I think people aren't nosey enough. I think that societal pressures are a good thing in helping people keep their commitments; and now that people are "minding their own business" even more marriages are crashing and burning." Him "yeah, I can agree with that."

I would have thought that he would have told the guy that called--and now I am sure the guy that called is wondering what the heck is going on and is worried that he just got my H in hot water.

Of course, now *I* am wondering where the heck he is (and if he is with someone.)

I am also wondering if I should drop him a text saying "your work is looking for you." (Maybe if he knew that it was important enough that they called the house, he would call them back.) I dunno.

[oldtimer]

Drop it. You told the caller to use H's cell. Nothing more is required.

[NikB]

Agree with Oldtimer - drop it. It's just an excuse to get in contact. (trust me, I know it when I see it - having done it many times myself)

[Trixi]

yes. i don't know what I am thinking. i feel slightly crazy.
This does get easier, right?

On a happier note, I have a listing & purchase appt tonight and i just called to confirm and they are "excited" to see me. Gotta love that.
Plus, two past clients were in touch with me this past week that need to sell and purchase, so that's cool. I am totally stressed right now because I have nothing waiting to close; I am behind on my bead orders (but I think I will be caught up by tonight). Oh yeah, and one more person who had been in the market and then changed their mind, has possibly changed their mind again; they will know for sure next week- keeping my fingers crossed on that one. IOW, I do have some things simmering-- I just hope they turn into actual meals at some point in the near future. (so to speak.)

[NikB]

Yes - it definitely gets easier.

Hope those deals come through, at least some of them!