Mrs. Cac - here is something for you to ponder regarding mirroring
Using the “I” language, one person (the sender) conveys their feelings to the other person (the receiver) (I feel, I need … etc). They should avoid blaming or criticizing their partner, and instead talk solely about themselves.
In response, the receiver repeats what the sender said, word-for-word by saying something like ... "I heard you say that you feel ..."
Mirroring helps you to REALLY listen to what the other person is saying rather than thinking about how you are going to respond to what they are saying.
Then, after the receiver has repeated what the sender said, they would say "is that correct?" to get confirmation that they heard what you were trying to get across to them. Once they receive confirmation that it was correct, they say "is there more?" - you continue on like that until they say "no, there isn't anymore"
Mirroring is ALL about listening and validating what your partner has to say. It has nothing to do with YOUR opinions or YOUR emotions or what replies YOU would like to make to their comments. It is solely about listening and works extremely well
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I can see that it would be quite effective and I really do think it would help us. I think it would take a little practice though to get it right. A couple of times I have tried to just listen and not interject and it's hard to do, for me anyway. I also have attempted phrasing things with "I" statements, but I found that difficult too.
I am aware that I am usually thinking about my response when I'm listening to cac.
You know, I would love to get to the point where we could try a technique like this and then if/when one stumbles with it, the other could step back and say "that wasn't an I statement, can you rephrase it?" and neither one of us would be defensive. It would just be an exercise and we would work on it together. Is this just wishful thinking?
Absolutely not! It is VERY do-able. All you have to remember is not to do too much at one time. Run the idea by Cac and see what he thinks, I am sure he would be open to trying it
Mirroring doesn't need a C sitting beside you either. And, yes, it does take some practice but if you only do a couple minutes at a time the emotions can be controlled a lot easier
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
His anger scares me, not because of him, but because of ME. I'm afraid of his anger. I feel responsible for it in a way. I feel like I have to choose between making him angry or suppressing my feelings and both choices are destructive. Lose-lose.
--and--
My fear is all about me. It's about me. It's not about him. If I could delete the post, I could avoid confrontation. Or whatever I perceive that he might think or feel about himself or about me when he reads these posts. I feel like I need to protect him.
Welcome to the club no-one wants to be a member of. Reading this was like looking even deeper into a mirror for me .... I guess I'm trying to say thanks, although it feels somewhat insulting to say thanks for the fruits of someone else's pain ...
Speaking of mirroring, I think it's a good idea, especially when partners have incompatible communications styles (think that's pretty much everyone, at one time/subject or another ....). It works for everything beyond "nice day we're having, isn't it?" ... not just emotions, but philosophy, opinions on politics/social questions, wild flights of fancy, etc....
Something that my husband and I have found *really* productive is emailing back and forth about known contentious issues. NOT flame mails. Seriously considered calm-tone emails laying out our thought processes and emotions about the subject. We have found that this allows us to avoid the "emotional backwash" that can make it so hard to think straight/stay calm/articulate your position when a conversation begins to hit somebody's hot buttons.
I think it can also make it easier for "fused-empathy" people to say what *must* be said ... that way, you're just focused on expressing your true feelings, not reacting to placate or backpedal based on their facial expression, tone of voice, etc.
It might not work for everyone ... but we've had some great success with it. And I've gotten some emails I treasure and am able to re-read on the inevitable ungood days.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
We have tried mirroring too and it can be helpful, but only to a point, which is what I want to warn you about. You two are extremely enmeshed and looking for change in the other to validate yourself. Mirroring can help address some of this need because you can hear that the other person hears what you just said. So there is validation in that process.
I think this is effective for someone who needs WOA or QT as his/her LL. It will not help as much for someone with a PT LL, like CAC. Sure, the mirroring will help to eventually move toward PT, but that might take a while, so CAC could become frustrated by the process and give up.
The other "problem" of mirroring is that it is only intended to make each person feel their needs have been heard. It does nothing to address those needs (unless the need is to be heard). So after a while, mirroring started to sound very hypocritical to me. My wife would repeat what I said, say she understood it and that it makes sense to her, then go about her business just like before. This sabotages the whole process.
Counselors will tell you mirroring is not meant for agreement with the other person's needs, or that one should have to meet or agree to those needs in any way, but only to acknowledge they exists. Without some effort from my wife to show she was willing to actually do something to meet my needs, her mirroring back to do became nothing more than placating. And it only served to piss me off more.
I agree, Cobra, that mirroring only has its place if once each other are heard, actions are put into place to correct what needs correcting.
I particularly found the mirroring beneficial, but only to slow down the mental processing I was doing as H was speaking. It allowed us both not to think what we were going to respond with, which was causing us not to listen to what the other person was actually saying, and just listen, listen, listen. Sometimes that is all it takes to have that "aha" moment and get "unstuck"
It is also an exercise that needs to be weaned off of eventually, and put into play on a regular basis without facing each other and repeating everything they say. It is simply allowing each other to slow down, and absorb what their partner is saying
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Thanks, NJ. I was on overload yesterday from all my emotion until I think my brain had enough and then I was pretty numb and stangely calm. I seemed to reach the feeling that what was done was done and I would handle it because I have to. I don't know if you're a crier like me, but wow, it can have such a brain clearing effect.
We are off for a few days camping so I'll look forward to your thoughts when we get back.
Why is cac smoking? Because he is addicted to nicotine and its effect on the dopamine in his brain. Also because he still sees being a smoker as his identity.
BTW Cobra, whether or not cac smokes is his call, not mine. I cannot force or cajole or nag or browbeat him into quitting. Only he can decide to quit.
I hear what you're saying. I think it would be a problem to believe that mirroring would fix all our problems. But I do see it as a tool that could help and therefore, it's worth a try.
I hate to beat a dead horse, but from my POV, I've already taken steps to understand cac's LL, to try to love him in his language.
Not pretending to hold a candle to Mojo, I think things are better and I think he thinks so too. (I've polished up my BJ techniques enough for him to email me from work recently telling me how he couldn't stop thinking about it because it was so great. :-)) Yes, he gave me WOA big time that day and I told him how much I loved getting that email from him.) And it made me want to do it again.
From experience I KNOW that I am extremely likely to feel amorous, desirous and/or horny when I get some QT or WOA. I have pointed this out; he was surprised to hear that I actually feel closer to him after we talk, even if it gets heated, which it often does. I've told him (maybe not plainly enough) that I would be putty in his hands if he could reach out to me when things get heated. I suppose the same is true for him but sadly, we're both too afraid to take the step. So I guess there is an instance where we don't want to show our vulnerability.
OK, this is good. I keep getting more insight. I wish I could just lay things out here like everyone else does (whose spouse isn't a poster.) Maybe I can. The sun hasn't fallen from the sky yet.
