There and Back

[SallyM]

the first time I asked him to leave, I didn't really ask, actually, I threw his stuff into garbage bags and hauled it out to the porch. it must have been quite a scene, actually, looking back at it...I was huffing and puffing up and down the stairs and he has a LOT of clothes...I swear I lost 5lbs in the process. I was ANGRY because I found out he was still seeing her/making plans with her, etc. He ended up coming back because our 5 year old was really taking it hard...I'm talking begging/pleading/hysterically crying every time H came over. horrible, horrible, horrible memories.

the 2nd time, it was because he chose to do something I asked him not to. he swore it was an outing with clients, just happened to be on her birthday (gee, he really thinks a lot of me, doesn't he?). he chose to go, I told him to pick his stuff up. he was gone for one night, hadn't picked the stuff up yet, and came back promising me the moon on a silver platter, so I opened up and let him back.

the 3rd (and final) time that I had him leave, it wasn't in anger at all, it was because my whole focus seemed to shift back to him. I was making some good progress in my own therapy, etc, and I started losing that completely. One of my best friends is a therapist and she layed it out for me...pretty much told me that based on her experience and on what was going on in my situation, we'd be divorced within the year if I didn't have him leave, at least for a time. my therapist agreed (although didn't put it quite so openly/bluntly, my friend can say things that my therapist won't). so I talked to him, asked him for 2 weeks, so I could try to move myself forward a bit and such. He agreed, he was a wee bit crabby, but wasn't bad, he seemed to respect what I was saying, but at the same time threatened me with the fact that if he left, he would go back to her.

that, for me, said it all. because if it was so easy to go back to her just by leaving for 2 weeks, then he would go back to her no matter what. the first time it got hard again, he'd be gone. and no thanks. he went to therapy the next day, and his therapist suggested 6 months was a better timeline. that hurt, because it seemed more like a real separation than this little trial/just regaining focus thing that I originally wanted.

I think I was right to have him leave. I do. I'm sure he blames his restarting his affair on me (he blames the affair on me as it is, so that's not much of a stretch). who knows. he is still swearing that he isn't seeing her, but I know he is. nothing I can do but to continue to work on me.

as to how I got him to leave, well, I've pretty much told you. I did talk to a couple of lawyers early on, and one gave me ideas on how to get him out if he wouldn't leave. thinking on it now, prior to the first kick-out, he did pull the, "its my house too" bit. but lawyer suggested I bring her into it if needed. I actually had something hanging over him that I could have used, as well, should he refuse to go (he works with ow, would not have been good if I had called his boss...he was terrified I would. funny, because it never crossed my mind).

keep in mind, all of this was prior to me finding DB. I just found that a month ago. Not sure if it would have helped to find it earlier, I really doubt it. I just don't have a lot of hope for us. what I'm trying to concentrate on is having hope for ME...that I will be okay, regardless.

good luck, I'm pulling for you. I don't know what your situation will be since he is the sahd, and you are the breadwinner. he'll still need to take care of the kids daily, right? that might make it harder. I'll tell you, my sister had an affair 5 years ago. it shocked us all, obviously mostly my bil. he was a sahd at the time, and she realized pretty quickly that she would lose her kids...not completely, but she wouldn't get primary custody. now, she was the one who had the affair, so that was different than your situation, but still, definitely think about it. if you haven't called a lawyer, call one...they will almost always do a free consult in their office or on the phone. find out what the rules are in your state.

in case you are wondering, my sister and her h were able to come back from her affair...she was highly motivated, at first because of the kids, but later because of her H. they will both tell you they have a better marriage today than they ever did prior. I think part of my problem is that when I found out about H's affair, I used them as a model, assuming their steps would be mine, the result would be the same, etc.