I'm new and all going very bad

[Corinda]

Hi All

My names Corinda and I have just found this site. I will give some info on my situation – I will try to keep it short.

Together 15 year married 9.5 – no kids.

5 years ago we tried to have kids, had problems mostly H issues tried IVF everything nothing worked. We never really dealt with the problem just sort of brushed it under the rug, then I started drinking and could be quite nasty at times, I was just hurting. 1 month ago H cell phone rang it was a good friend of ours so I answered it, while on the phone a TXT came thru so I looked and then found all these flirty messages hidden under another name, so I confronted him and did the scream, tears etc he said it was all just friends and nothing was happening that he was confused and did not know what he wanted and needed space, when I pushed it all came out, how unloved he felt, how I crippled him emotionally with all the baby stuff but that he wanted to work it out, well the first week went well then on the Friday night I was drinking and he came home and I was an emotional wreck and let him have it and went on and on about this girl, he just walked out and stayed out all night, he then moved into our 2nd bedroom as said he needed space. I could not let it go and just pushed and pushed and the more I pushed he ran to her saying they are not having sex just friends because she would not have an affair with a married man. But he still goes out all night does not come home telling me he can’t deal with all the anger and R talking all the time. Last week I just lost and threw my wedding rings at him and walked out saying lets separate, and he has to move out and to change the bank accounts, sell the house stuff and them left for 5 days. This is not what I really wanted, I wanted him to beg me to stay and of course he didn’t. We had a talk 4 nights ago he said that we are separated and he is moving out in a months time, and that he would not rub salt in the wound by parading his “friend” around our friends etc. I agreed with all this but told not to write us off just yet, he said no he would not but he needed to be away from all the bad stuff. Then said we need to deal with all the bank amount changes, he said this is what you wanted. I spent 7 days bunking with friends and stuff and have had enough, so told him on Saturday that I was moving home, he said if you’re comfortable with it. So came home Saturday as I have a home office and went to work, he went out but came back later that evening while I was still working and made a point of coming in to say that I can sleep in the main bedroom because he was going out and not coming home, well he came home this morning 24 hrs later and was all hi how are, are you home tonight, do you want dinner, just like it was nothing, he knows how much this is breaking me, its like he wants to really hurt me, I can see it in his eyes, This has all happened in a month, I don’t want this relationship to end and I have accepted my part in the breakdown of the marriage and am seeing a counselor and dealing with the issues but he just seems out for blood. I am at wits end and do not know what to do, I am sick of me screaming and yelling about this as I know it only pushes him further away and am trying to suck it up and hope he sees what he’s doing.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks for reading
Corinda

[Have Faith]

Wow, take a breath and try to calm down. I know it isn't easy, but everything you are doing is NOT helping.

If you have not bought the book Divorse Remedy yet, go out and get it immediately and read it. Do not and I repeat DO NOT have any more temper trantrams. This will not help and will only push his toward the OW.

Ok, now you need to STOP the drinking if you can not handle it and you come unglued. Believe you me, I have been there. I know if I have more then two glasses of wine, I'm going to say things that I would not say if I did not and later I regret it. If you are having problems with not being able to get pregnant, drinking is not going to help. You need help with this. If it just wasn't meant to happen naturally, then there is always adoption. But right now you need to concentrate on you H and your M.

You need to immediately STOP and do a 180 if you want to save your marriage. It doesn't sound like your H is that involved with the OW, but you may be pushing him that way.

Please for your sake, get this book and read it.

Let us know how you are doing and come here for input and advice.

Best of luck

Faith

[Hope_11]

I don't have any time to post right now, but I wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. My H and I were having trouble getting pregnant for 3 years. We didn't deal with it the best way and in turn H ended up having an affair. You might want to check out my threads...they may or may not help you. H's affair has been going on for 10 months now and we are working on finalizing our D. I'll check back in when I have more time.

[Hope_11]

Corinda,

I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that I am sorry that you are going through this. Unless you go through it yourself, people don't understand the pain, sadness, and disappointment of not being able to get pregnant. It is absolutely horrible and then to top it off...a marriage falling apart because of it is the worst thing that I have ever been through. H and I had a failed IVF cycle in 7/06 and he started his A in 10/06. He told me about her in 11/06, so I knew early on sort of like your sitch. He did not deal with the baby stuff at all...he wanted a baby and he wanted it now. It didn't happen, so he found something to take his mind off of it, OW. OW is a crazy, conniving, manipulative woman, so my sitch may be the extreme. She convinced him to buy a house with her after knowing her for 1 1/2 months. The rest is history...he just kept digging himself deeper and each time thought he took it too far to change anything. In my heart, I know my H does not want to be divorced...he loves me. He screwed up and can't face his own demons. He is too hung up on the pride. He destroyed our marriage. He is still with OW...I think that she thinks they are going to get married and have the children that we couldn't...I don't think he thinks the same.

Okay, so to lend a little advice from what I learned from my mess. Do what everyone says...stop pleading, begging, and crying. Your H is going to do what he is going to do and you can't change it. Go out and get your life back. Get help with your drinking and start fresh. My biggest mistake was spending too much time worrying about H and how the things I did would affect everything. I should have started GALing in December, maybe my sitch would have changed. When H senses me moving on, he usually attempts to pull me back somehow. Don't worry too much about what your H tells you. My H had his mind made up in a few weeks that he was moving to be with OW. Since then, he has wanted to come back home multiple times...he just isn't man enough to fix things with me. It doesn't have anything to do with me...all to do with him. His character is flawed...he is broken. I hope your H isn't like mine. I hope he will step back and realize that you are a great woman that you are struggling with the same issues that he is and that your marriage is worth saving. Start tomorrow...or today yet if you have the energy. Your marriage can survive this.

[Corinda]

Hi Faith & Hope

Thanks for your replies. I have moved over onto the newcomers forum under the same heading, but am glad I checked this post.

I have stopped the drinking I have not had a drop since that last Friday night so I have that under control. I have tried doing the 180 but it is hard when he is not here.

The whole baby thing was and is still heartbreaking, and Hope I have read your thread and so I know you understand what its like. It is very hard to know how to deal with it, but this EA just came out of the blue, I mean I knew there were problems but it was like 4 years later when we had sort of moved on from it.

I have read both your threads and really admire and respect what you have done to try and save your M, but I just think I am done, how do you fight for it when the other just not want to.

I have to go out now but would really love to hear your thoughts on what has been going on.

Here is the link.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1159994

Take care and look forward to catching again later

[mkultra]

Take care Corinda. I had two babies with my H and that did not keep him home. I really wanted another one as I am turning 38 this year. I should not have brought that up, but I asked if he was really serious about this girl he was seeing, if he planned on having a family with her. he shouted that he already gave me two kids! What a slap on the face!

[Have Faith]

Corinda

I have read your stich and I can really feel your pain. I know exactly how you feel. However, I think you are going to fast. I felt the exact same way that you are feeling right now back in March. It just seemed hopeless and that there was no way that we could repair out M. He didn't want to. He was in such a bubble and all he could do is fantasies about what it could/would be like with the OW. How he had never felt the way he felt about her for anyone. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him. They were even planning their wedding and he was having the ring designed at the end of the next month. Somehow, probably because of the amount of prayer I did, the bubble started to burst ever slowly and some reality crepted in. I did ask him to move out which he did on 3/10. Like you, the relationship was too "in my face". Him moving out helped in one way and didn't help in another. His moving out took the "in my face" feeling away, but because he was not at home anymore, I really couldn't show him how our M could be. I believe that the biggest thing that opened his eyes was my strength to go on without him. Because like you,I think my H thought I would just be there waiting. In fact he asked me several time if there would ever be another change for us say in 6 months. I started DBing and I did buy 3 DB counseling sessions that where the best thing I did. I also read. Like everyone else out there we end up with a full library of self-help books. Some are better then others.

Well in the middle of April he wrote me an e-mail and asked me what it would take from him to make our M work. I was shocked and wrote back to him telling him what that was. He had already filed for a D, but now refuses to sign the final papers.

So what I'm trying to say is there is hope. Start DBing and if you can afford it, do some DB Coaching sessions. My horror story is not over yet, as he did move back into our home 5/18, but still has a relationship with the OW. Nothing like it was, but I have once again asked him to move out. This time I did it with love and told him that it was for me. That I needed to begin detaching as he was not able to give me what I need. That being 100% committment to me and our M. Also this time, I have told him that we could still do things together, as when we are together, we really have a good time and we both love to golf (the OW doesn't have any interest in it or ever learning how according to him). I told him that I was GAL and if he could pretend to be single, then so could I. This made him very nervous and in fact he keeps saying you will have someone in no time. You are a real catch and I'm an idiot. But he still holds onto OW. Believe me he has said many things to me that he how says he didn't mean. That that was then and this is now. They all do this. They are in a bubble and unless you show them a different you, they will continue to run.

I pray that you hang in there if you want your M. You can be a success story. You want to be sure that you have done everything you can. At least if it doesn't work out, you will know that you did your best and in the mean time you have become a better more beautiful you.

Faith