I agree with your assessment, but we can only get so much counselling when we live 3000 miles apart. Today is our 26th anniversary and he called this a m to say Happy Anniversary and he is so grateful we are joining him tomorrow. He also pointed out that technically, our M wasn't cosummated on the 8th, due to guests at the reception etc. So maybe our anniversary is tommorrow? I'll go with that.
I do have fears about his old habits. I will also have to keep in mind that if I knew then, what I know now, I would do things differently too. And I will, if I stay on track to being the best partner I can be.
There are issues up there professionally that I pointed out long ago. But now, as time has passed and I step back to let him observe, I think he is on to the fact that it is not perfect up there and even when I get there, it won't make the job situation ideal or 100% great. No job is. I won't point out the things unless I really have to. He is watching as the job I am taking on is heading HIS company's growth and facing their constant legal fights. It'll be stressful and he is getting that. So I just have to let him learn and have as open a mind and heart as I can manage. I am going to work on keeping this in mind. Seriously. I'll need feedback b/c I know I will have a hard time this winter.
Your response and plan is great and you are doing all the right things. I had to laugh at the funeral comment she made. Gotta make sure NO happy thoughts are allowed as they might create an expectation of HER!! God forbid.
Stay on track, you are doing well. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You're doing remarkably well with things given the circumstances. You know what needs to be done if there is any chance in saving your M, and you're taking these things on quite well. It sounds like you are the epitome of grace under fire, and I commend you for that! It also sounds like you're doing an great job showing your kids that you love them no matter what the situation is, and that is great to see as well.
One question I have for you: You mentioned in your journal notes that one of your strategies is to do the minimum housework, chores, etc, unless it is for the kids or specifically asked of you by you W. Why is this one of your strategies? Is it because you've done the majority of the housework in the past and you want her to see some of your contributions to the M, or is it just to make her have more of a load on her shoulders? I can see your reasoning to some extent if it is the former, but even then I would be careful as it may cause more resentment (depending on the sitch and how little the minimum is). However, if you're doing it now and you've never been one to clean well or do much housework in the past, then maybe a good thing to do is pull a 180 and begin doing more of these chores. Just something I am curious about -- can you elaborate on your reasoning a bit?
Doing great Larry -- keep up the PMA, even if you have to fake it 'til you make it!
a quick note, and btw, I won't be posting for awhile, I assume, b/c of the move. But like Gonedancing, I wondered about the housekeeping strategy/non-strategy.
What's with that? I'm just curious as to the reasoning. Also, I really liked the phrase "grace under fire" and you are demonstrating just that. Keep on keepin' on. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Nomo, Nikki, J and all - I need to vent a little. Every time W takes the kids for an outing with OM, I feel intense hatred. Yesterday they went to Disney's Calif. Adventure. She actually had him pick them up here at the house, where I still have my home office. I made sure I was already gone. Now I feel she is purposely trying to goad me, to get some reaction (even this morning when we spoke briefly, I did not mention the OM or what she's doing.) Maybe she needs to try to shift the focus to my reaction rather than her internal guilt. I would much appreciate anyone else's comments on this.
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
GD and J - Thanks very much for the feedback and encouragement. No, I was referring to handyman-type maintenance and improvement work around the house. We have a cleaning service for the housework. Re strategy, it's just part of going dark. And yes, I do want her to understand that extra burdens are part of the cost of her OM and this divorce.
L
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
L - she may be trying to get a reaction out of you. If you lose it, yell, whatever, you may confirm for her why she is thinking of leaving you. Decide what reaction the ideal L would have, and then make it happen.
I'm sorry about the OM and your kids stuff. That is tough. But you have to accept you cannot control it. If you get a D, and she sees someone else (or marries someone else), they will be in your kids lives. You have to accept it, hard as it is, now decide how you want to handle it for you and your kids' best interests.
Hang in there L, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki - Sorry for my tardy reply. I have been busy with the divorce settlement and finding an apartment. The W continues to amaze us all. Last night, she invited her parents and brother/SIL to a concert she was in charge of, mainly in order for them to meet the OM. They did, and she had her brother and wife come back to the house and stay over.
I agreed to vacate the travel trailer in the side yard I have been sleeping in in order for her brother to have a place to sleep. So she arranged it that I would stay at the house just long enough to put our D and her cousin to bed at 9 and then leave for my mother's house 25 miles away, to clear the decks and leave my son in charge. She then brought OM back here with brother/SIL and had son turn on the spa for them all. (BTW, the brother/SIL totally sympathize with me just like her parents, and thinks his sister has lost it).
Then, at 11:30, when they were done, she woke up my son to turn the spa off. (We are all just tools for her gratificition). The next thing I know is that my son calls me on my cell-phone this morning to tell me the OM stayed over. He said when he woke up and saw OM's BMW still outside, he wanted to take a hammer to it. We arranged that I would come right away and pick him up around the corner. He now wants to move in with me as soon as I move into the apartment. I told him sure. We hung out all day today at the movies and golf driving range. We are now even closer. Also, I showed him where our new apartment was.
S will be telling his mom tomorrow morning. The amazing thing is she still has no clue how he feels and cheerfully left a voicemail about how they were going out to breakfast tomorrow moring.
I keep reminding myself of what my coach tells me: "Don't forget, you're dealing with a drug addict." Common decency and common sense apparently have no place in that world.
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
N - I forgot to add, that yesterday, the W and the OM took my D house hunting, going through model homes and open houses. Showing D how great it was going to be and where her room would be.
Larry
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
