I guess the crux of my position is over the theoretical “ideal” of self validation that healthy, functional people should be able to exercise, versus the rest of us messed up folk. I’ve never met the former, but the world seems to be filled with the latter. While the “ideal” makes for a good goal, the reality is that most of never get there.
With that in mind, can we truly be happy with only self validation? I think the answer is no. We can get to some level of contentedness, but I think that pales to the true happiness that a “soul mate” type of relationship can bring. I don’t think any of us messed up folk can ever reach this “soul mate” level of happiness on our own.
Self validation is very important though. It is a necessary foundation for other things, including other-validation, IMO. So I am not discounting other-validation, I just don’t believe it is a path to true “soul mate” type happiness in its own right. So maybe in a sense we do agree.
As for Passionate Marriage, if you have not read it yet, then I suggest you do so. IMO, it is far above any other relationship book I have read. The description you posted from the website seems a little misleading. Perhaps the ultimate goal of Passionate Marriage is achieved by becoming “functional,” but the whole book is about transforming from dysfunctional to functional. Like Karen say, that is more the norm that the exception, so maybe it is functional.
Heywire,
I don't think you are naive - but in order for something to be possible, particularly in a R, there has to be TWO people willing to do the "work"
I don’t believe this is true at all. One person can make a change. The problem I see on this board is that the one person usually does not understand the issues of both parties well enough, and for each positive step made by that person, another backward or sabotaging step is also made.
Many people here are still in the early stages of recovery, even if they have been on the board for years. Time spent at each stage has nothing to do with the necessary growth to advance to the next. For instance, some are coming to see they can wield their own power. That creates a change, but the relationship just shifts to a new position and then gets stuck again. So there really isn’t much progress, even though the one person has made some serious changes. What seems to happen too often is that those changes are just new ways to maintaining defenses, preventing vulnerability or exerting control. So it is no wonder the relationship remains stuck.
