Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Kelley]

Lin,
wow 2 years that is a long time. Glad things worked out for you and that you stay on here to give your wisdom

Yeah, one of those songs is Someday from Nickelback. It is so fitting to a breakup. The song goes how did we end up like this, why weren't we able to see the signs that we missed and turn the table, Someday, somehow I'm going to make it all right but not right now,.... our life has played out just like a paperback novel, let's re-write an ending that fits instead of a Hollywood horror.

I do follow the db'ing rules when around him but still when I am not, I just want to act out against him in every way possible but I would never do that for my sake and for the kids. I know I just need to let those feelings go when they creep into my head. Just need to find something to stop those thoughts because they really are not healthy mentally. I think alot of that is facing being a single mom. It is good to hear from people like you that say you got thru it without a problem. I know that we all can if we just take it one day at a time. I
am working on patience by dealing with my kids. Patience is definitely something that you have to activally work on.

[imLIN]

Kelley...I didn't say I got through the single parenting with "no problem"...but I did get through it...and my kids and I developed a very special R in the process...something I didn't have before even though I was mostly a SAHM and involved with my kids...it is just different when it is just you and the kids against the world...it is a different bond...

It is hard...you are "IT" all the time...I had to ask for down time from kids...take a break just for me...because 24/7 mom is just wayyy too much...but 20/6 mom is pretty dealable...

I am just clarifying for you incase you misunderstood...the point is YOU can do this...and if you NEED to you WILL

789...thanks...I know I sound like a broken record sometimes but I try and get to the newcomers and the ones struggling to give encouragement...to give them reason to keep on keeping on...I didn't much support in the beginning myself and it was hard...I came back and then decided to start reading more...posting less...I waited until I really had something of importance to say...and winning this war is important...I think there are more success stories then we know but people forget what got them there...I won't forget...I want others to finish the journey...and hopefully with their S returning and a NEW MARRIAGE!

Thanks to you all.....Lin

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Lin and DLT,

Kelley, just hang in there... thats all any of us can do. I feel bad again today, but I know there's nothing I can do to change my sitch so I make the best of it. Honestly, i'm dreading her going to the concert tomorrow. The thoughs of OM's are flying through my head unless i'm distracted, and i'm actually afriad to trust her for the first itme ever. I know there's nothing I can do, but getting it out of your head isn't very easy. I'll get through it, trying to keep my mouth shut about how bad it makes me feel thst she's going out again and not working on us at all(and doing good so far), but it's really tearing me down. I'm maintaining, but I feel really drained all of the time lately. I'm pretty positive at work, having good times with the guys and keeping busy, but home and down time is relentless. Time with W around is even harder, because I think "Why don't you pull your head out of your a$$ and try to work on your marriage." But I do the right thing, and saying things like that aren't me anyway. My sister and her H seem to think that my W is gonna play the grass is greener game until she sees it's not, and then it will be too late. I don't know, i'm dealing day by day right now and doingwhat I can. I can't say i'm happy, can't say anything really feels good (other than time with D), but i'm struggling through it. Very negative feelings lately, but I keep pushing and hope it will get better. Well, thats enough venting for now... thansk for listening. Feel like giving up to heal, but I know thats not what I want, so i'll hang on as long as I can. Later.

[Heimlich]

Will,

This might sound stupid, but just act happy and think happy thoughts. Like any habit, it can be cultivated. You're going to have weak moments and down days, don't sweat it and don't beat up on yourself for feeling that way. As we've said, this sucks. Tomorrow will be better.

BD

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Heim,

Want to hear a true "rollercoaster" moment? I just posted that last one a few hours ago when I got home from work. I played with D for a bit, W went to work, and I feel good again. Talk about a short lived moment. Thank god for DBing.

[Kelley]

Will,
I definitely know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I am a manic-depressive with all the ups and downs that I am feeling. I would be crying my eyes out at work then I would have to talk to H about something or he would call and I would have to throw myself in happy mode and then I would be happier even after getting off the phone with him. Not sure if it was just because we talked or by putting myself in happy mode just made me feel better. I worked on a helpdesk and they always stressed when talking on the phone put a smile on your face because they could feel it thru the phone.

I know I get stressed out thinking about H when he says that he is going out or he called the kids to say goodnight and it got caught on the answering machine. Sounded like he was at a bar and probably with his loser bimbo. Maybe that is where she works. He at least said the area he was in since my D asked him where he was. sounded like he was ready to say the name of the place but stopped himself. It is only spying if we get caught right? If I found out the place that he was going to then popped in there with a friend of mine from that area then it wouldn't be considered spying just coincidence right.

[Willing NJ H]

Lol, nice Kelley.

I goofed a bit today! She acted weird last night before going to work, and again today when I got home. She spent te entire day with D at her moms house, came home adter I got home, dropped off D, and left. This isn't like her, and when she avoids me, there's usually something up. I slipped, and nicely said that i've been doing great, and was cool with our last convo, but that she had been acting uncomfortable with me again and asked if the OM was going with her tonight. Don't know what kind of set-back this will cause, but this is definately a good reason not to live with the WAS. I tried stopping myself as I said it, but too much had come out. Not a horrible set-back, but I definately broke the rules and overstepped my bounds. OH BOY, now I guess I just wait and see what becomes of this issue.......

[Heimlich]

Will,

Sorry to see you're up and down right now. It's ok though.

So something you didn't want to say slipped out. It's not going to end your M tonight. Keep working on that PMA and show her that's how you feel.

Just curious, did she answer? The situation is a little dodgy, you know that and your police radar is beeping. Let it go. You're hypersensitive to your W's moods right now. There's no guarantee that there's an OM. Pushing her on it right now is just going to push her away.

Hang in there,

BD

[Willing NJ H]

Ok, she sent me a text and said "There's nothing to worry about. Yes im sure Suzie and Sina will have guy friends there, we are all just gonna drink and have a good time thats all. Sorry for rushing out of the house, I was late for meeting them." I don't think it caused any major damage, but it definately didn't help anything. I think she understood because of the way I asked, but asking was a stupid move. It can't let this happen again, my own little alien took control. I need to develop my self contorl over the OM sitch, just like I did our S. This will be a much harder thing to deal with, but I know I must if I want any chance with my M.

My new goal: If something bothers me, decide if I really need to try to approach her / or if my emotions are controlling me. If I think that it's ok with DBing rules to bring it up, USE THE 48 HOUR RULE no matter what I think!

[Nomopo]

Will - you are doing great, and you have progressed RAPIDLY. Acknowledge your efforts and accomplishments, and keep it up.

Nomo