Need advice on WAW with OM

[S_O_T_S]

Hi svejk.

Sorry to see you here. I'll quote from various bits and pieces of your posts in bold:

I avoid relationship talk whenever we do get together but she consistently brings up that she is ashamed over her relationship with OM. She believes that our relationship cannot be repaired because she doesn't want a relationship with me because I know about the OM.

She believes our relationship is forever tainted by what happened with the OM.

Translation:

I'm going to make up any excuse I can for ending our M that absolves you from blame -or-

I don't know how I can forgive myself for this, so you couldn't possibly forgive me.....

So, I'm not sure how, or if, I should respond to this.

Just like everything else around here. Show rather than tell.

I know if I can gain her love back I can easily forgive her, and I can say with certainty that I will not make an issue of it.

I know everyone says this, yet when the rubber meets the road, that's a far different story. I mean, here you are contemplating giving her an ultimatum for D if she doesn't end it.... that shows how easily you can put it out of your mind, no?

I was hoping to get some kind of reaction/curiosity out of her since I did not elaborate on my plans at all. I guess I was a little too optimistic...

And does this give you any lessons for the future about expectations???


I don't want to lose contact with her altogether.

Isn't that kinda the point of the LRT to begin with? Give them a chance to miss you?

Should I confront her about him and risk ending our relationship, or should I see if she ends it on her own?

There are two schools of thought about it and you've hit them both. Though I can't know the future, it seems unlikely that you'd actually get to try both tactics - they're to some extent mutually exclusive.

Me? I wait and let it burn out on its own.

I don't know if I can handle this and am having a hard time fighting the urge to call her and tell her to either end it or lose me permanently.

I think you need to employ the 48 hour rule at all costs. Also stop and ask yourself what your goal is and then evaluate every potential action with the assessment of whether that action is likely to bring you closer or farther to that goal...

Which choice do you think she'd make right now.... I think she's given you plenty of hints, starting with the first thing I quoted above...

Hopefully someone can calm me down so I don't make a mistake and call her right now.

Well, that's why we're here, but you'll go a long way toward helping yourself by learning thte discipline to calm yourself down. See the first paragraph of the response just previous to this one...

Also learn to take the focus off her, what she's thinking and doing. The only thing you have any control over here is you. Learning and accepting that is the first step toward being detached.

Would it be a mistake to ask my wife something like this:

Not necessarily a mistake unless you're completely willing to accept her agreeing to D you on the spot. Are you willing to have that happen?

I think my DB'ing and LRT/180 are having an effect on her. She even mentions how surprised and pleased she is when I do something she doesn't expect.

And so you're seeing positive signs from her, but yet you go on to say this:

But I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I have very little patience

And if you don't start getting some, you probably won't have a need for it, at least not in this particular endeavor.

That following right on the heels of you getting the signs you want?!?

Even though she has hurt me so much the last few months I know that I was no angel in the years prior and I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. It was mostly my behavior that led us to this point

This is why you need to disengage from the whole OM thing. Hurtful, but a common response by her to what you just wrote...

This really sucks! I never could have imagined anything in life could be this heartbreaking and difficult.

No doubt about that one, man. That's why, no matter what the outcome, the fact that you will have survived and become a stronger, better person after it all is something to be proud of. That and the fact that you were able to make a stand for your M even in the face of infidelity....

I am just trying to get a handle on why my wife is hiding the relationship with the OM.

And the sooner you stop trying to figure her out the better off you are. You can't possibly know what's going on in her head. And even if you did manage to figure it out, how would it help you???

First off, you're expecting rational behavior from someone who doesn't share your worldview.... Second, you're really taking the focus off of you and putting it onto her....

It takes a lot of courage to put up with this and basically put your life on hold while your WAS decides.

Which is why you're supposed to be moving forward with living again... Not going out and having fling after fling... but not sitting around letting this consume you either. Are you not doing that?

but as long as I'm going to call her does anyone have any suggestions on the best thing I could say to her?

You're not going to call her, are you? Think of yourself as an alcoholic here and find yourself a sponsor (or whatever they call it...., the guy who intervene when you're about to have a drink...)

but as long as I'm going to call her does anyone have any suggestions on the best thing I could say to her?

And good grief. I hope you don't send the letter because it is not going to help your cause with her...

How does this sound to her ears???

I think you are lonely and that's the only reason you are lowering yourself to be with this guy.

So, you just projected why you perceive she's doing this (assuming) and judged her at the same time...

What is your goal here and are these actions likely to move you closer or farther from that goal?

Look, this isn't easy nor is there any guarantee of any successful outcome. But I know one thing from having watched here for a while. There may be little you can do to cause them to return aside from providing them with a loving, smooth path back....

But there is a heck of a lot you can do to make them not want to return... including begging, pressuring, pursuing, condemning....

This is why you have to put your emotions aside.

Act, don't react.

Take care,