Need advice on WAW with OM

[svejk]

As I mentioned earlier in my thread, a couple of months after we were separated my wife started a relationship that she ended when we started working on things together. But now she is back again with the same guy.

After she ended it with him the first time she told me a lot about him because she felt bad about what she had done. It turns out he is a bartender (no offense to bartenders) and has no ambition in life. My wife and I are both professionals with great jobs and future prospects. She admitted she could not see any long term prospects with him and sincerely regretted seeing him at all. She is obviously way above his maturity level and ambition level, and he is also 10 years younger than her.

I really think she is back with him because she is lonely. She has not been without a relationship since she was 17 years old. She has mentioned to me several times, while crying, that she doesn't want to be alone.

While she won't admit she is seeing him she alludes to the fact by saying things like "I don't know why I'm doing the things I'm doing, I'm not that kind of person." But she won't elaborate on what the "things" are. But it's pretty easy to read between the lines and see that she is talking about the OM.

Because at this point she doesn't want to be with me she needs someone in her life because she can't handle being alone. She can do so much better than this OM and I'm afraid she will continue with him just so that she won't be alone.

Maybe it's a good thing that she hasn't found someone that she wants a serious relationship with, and is just there to fill a space. But I'm afraid she will not ever end it on her own because she wants someone in her life.

I'm contemplating asking her as a friend why she is lowering herself just so that she won't be alone when she can do so much better. We also agreed to 1 month apart so she could figure things out, but I don't think she will figure anything out if she is seeing this OM, please correct me if I'm wrong.

Logically I think it's probably wrong for me to call her about the OM because it will probably just push her further away from me, but I'm just afraid that she will continue on with him. And the longer she sees him the more comfortable she will get with him.

At this point I don't think I have any leverage because she wants nothing to do with me, but losing her to someone I am so much better than is killing me. I have come very close to calling her in the last couple days and I'm afraid I'm going to call her within the next few days no matter what.

I know, my willpower and patience is severely lacking, but as long as I'm going to call her does anyone have any suggestions on the best thing I could say to her?


Thanks,
Svejk

[svejk]

I am thinking of sending this to my wife. Any opinions?

Wife,

I am hesitant to talk to you about this subject because I am afraid it will end our relationship. I have no problem giving you all the time and space you need to figure out what you want. But I know that you are seeing this guy again, and that's what I can't handle.

I think you are lonely and that's the only reason you are lowering yourself to be with this guy. As a friend I am telling you that you are so much better than this and you don't need him in your life just so you aren't alone. Even if things never work out between us would you still want a long term thing with him? Don't lower yourself to that level just because you are lonely, you deserve so much more. I know you are a stronger and better person than that. I know enough about this guy to know that he has no business being with you. You could do a million times better, and I think your friends that know him would agree with me.

I don't need to tell you how I feel about you because you already know that I love you unconditionally. Even though it hurts like hell, and it will be difficult, I know that I can forgive and forget about what has happened while we were separated. You will never have to worry that I will hold it over your head and constantly remind you of what happened. I don't want a relationship like that and I couldn't live with you if I didn't forgive you.

But right now I cannot stand by and wait for you to figure things out while you see someone else. I don't want you to consider this as an ultimatum because it's really for my own sanity, not to push you into something you don't want. If you don't want to stop seeing this guy, that's fine. I don't understand it, but there's nothing I can do about it. If you were seeing someone that was actually on your level and worth spending your time with, I would understand it. So if you want to keep your relationship with him, then just let me know and I won't talk to you again and I will file for divorce. If you are willing to stop seeing him, then I will support you and wait for you as long as it takes for you to figure things out. In either case, please be honest with me and with yourself.

Love,
Husband

[crushedH]

Don't send it. Don't call. Do nothing. If she calls and wants to talk of R. Just listen. If she's looking for you to say something simply say, "what do you want from me".

[Heimlich]

Don't send the letter. Especially DON'T criticize her choice of OM (which you aren't 100% positive of,right?). Look, if you can't do this because you are 100% sure that you're W is seeing another man and you need to tell her that. Then think that through for at least a few days, then do it. Just state the facts, don't criticize her or the OM. Doing so is criticizing her choice and that's not going to help you out at all.

BD

[Nomopo]

Don't send it. Don't send her any letter right now.

[S_O_T_S]

Hi svejk.

Sorry to see you here. I'll quote from various bits and pieces of your posts in bold:

I avoid relationship talk whenever we do get together but she consistently brings up that she is ashamed over her relationship with OM. She believes that our relationship cannot be repaired because she doesn't want a relationship with me because I know about the OM.

She believes our relationship is forever tainted by what happened with the OM.

Translation:

I'm going to make up any excuse I can for ending our M that absolves you from blame -or-

I don't know how I can forgive myself for this, so you couldn't possibly forgive me.....

So, I'm not sure how, or if, I should respond to this.

Just like everything else around here. Show rather than tell.

I know if I can gain her love back I can easily forgive her, and I can say with certainty that I will not make an issue of it.

I know everyone says this, yet when the rubber meets the road, that's a far different story. I mean, here you are contemplating giving her an ultimatum for D if she doesn't end it.... that shows how easily you can put it out of your mind, no?

I was hoping to get some kind of reaction/curiosity out of her since I did not elaborate on my plans at all. I guess I was a little too optimistic...

And does this give you any lessons for the future about expectations???


I don't want to lose contact with her altogether.

Isn't that kinda the point of the LRT to begin with? Give them a chance to miss you?

Should I confront her about him and risk ending our relationship, or should I see if she ends it on her own?

There are two schools of thought about it and you've hit them both. Though I can't know the future, it seems unlikely that you'd actually get to try both tactics - they're to some extent mutually exclusive.

Me? I wait and let it burn out on its own.

I don't know if I can handle this and am having a hard time fighting the urge to call her and tell her to either end it or lose me permanently.

I think you need to employ the 48 hour rule at all costs. Also stop and ask yourself what your goal is and then evaluate every potential action with the assessment of whether that action is likely to bring you closer or farther to that goal...

Which choice do you think she'd make right now.... I think she's given you plenty of hints, starting with the first thing I quoted above...

Hopefully someone can calm me down so I don't make a mistake and call her right now.

Well, that's why we're here, but you'll go a long way toward helping yourself by learning thte discipline to calm yourself down. See the first paragraph of the response just previous to this one...

Also learn to take the focus off her, what she's thinking and doing. The only thing you have any control over here is you. Learning and accepting that is the first step toward being detached.

Would it be a mistake to ask my wife something like this:

Not necessarily a mistake unless you're completely willing to accept her agreeing to D you on the spot. Are you willing to have that happen?

I think my DB'ing and LRT/180 are having an effect on her. She even mentions how surprised and pleased she is when I do something she doesn't expect.

And so you're seeing positive signs from her, but yet you go on to say this:

But I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I have very little patience

And if you don't start getting some, you probably won't have a need for it, at least not in this particular endeavor.

That following right on the heels of you getting the signs you want?!?

Even though she has hurt me so much the last few months I know that I was no angel in the years prior and I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. It was mostly my behavior that led us to this point

This is why you need to disengage from the whole OM thing. Hurtful, but a common response by her to what you just wrote...

This really sucks! I never could have imagined anything in life could be this heartbreaking and difficult.

No doubt about that one, man. That's why, no matter what the outcome, the fact that you will have survived and become a stronger, better person after it all is something to be proud of. That and the fact that you were able to make a stand for your M even in the face of infidelity....

I am just trying to get a handle on why my wife is hiding the relationship with the OM.

And the sooner you stop trying to figure her out the better off you are. You can't possibly know what's going on in her head. And even if you did manage to figure it out, how would it help you???

First off, you're expecting rational behavior from someone who doesn't share your worldview.... Second, you're really taking the focus off of you and putting it onto her....

It takes a lot of courage to put up with this and basically put your life on hold while your WAS decides.

Which is why you're supposed to be moving forward with living again... Not going out and having fling after fling... but not sitting around letting this consume you either. Are you not doing that?

but as long as I'm going to call her does anyone have any suggestions on the best thing I could say to her?

You're not going to call her, are you? Think of yourself as an alcoholic here and find yourself a sponsor (or whatever they call it...., the guy who intervene when you're about to have a drink...)

but as long as I'm going to call her does anyone have any suggestions on the best thing I could say to her?

And good grief. I hope you don't send the letter because it is not going to help your cause with her...

How does this sound to her ears???

I think you are lonely and that's the only reason you are lowering yourself to be with this guy.

So, you just projected why you perceive she's doing this (assuming) and judged her at the same time...

What is your goal here and are these actions likely to move you closer or farther from that goal?

Look, this isn't easy nor is there any guarantee of any successful outcome. But I know one thing from having watched here for a while. There may be little you can do to cause them to return aside from providing them with a loving, smooth path back....

But there is a heck of a lot you can do to make them not want to return... including begging, pressuring, pursuing, condemning....

This is why you have to put your emotions aside.

Act, don't react.

Take care,

[svejk]

S_O_T_S,

Thanks for the reality check. Reading back through what I've written would probably be a good idea from time to time.

I'm certainly more than a little confused and not thinking entirely rationally at this point.

I really need to focus on DBing/LRT and I'm thankful for the responses on this forum or I would have really screwed things up by now.

Anyway, thanks for your post.

Svejk

[svejk]

I posted earlier about an unexpected visit from my wife a few nights ago. She was waiting for me in my house when I got home and she was very upset and crying.

She wanted me to comfort her but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong so I didn't push it. Eventually she started talking on her own about why she was upset. All she said was:

"I don't understand why I do the things I do. I'm not that kind of person. I'm never going to drink again."

And a little later she said, "I don't want to be alone." Not as in tonight, but in general she doesn't want to be alone. She has been married since she was 17 years old, and moved into a relationship with me immediately after divorcing her 1st husband.

That's about all she said other than small talk.

For the last few months she has been going out almost every weekend and drinking heavily. This is very uncharacteristic of her as she has never behaved this way before. She met the OM in a bar when she was drinking.

I think she is going through a MLC and maybe/hopefully she is finally getting tired of partying and drinking.

But she is still involved with the OM, and I'm worried that her fear of being alone will keep her involved with him just to fill the emptiness.

I think her statements, "I don't understand why I do the things I do. I'm not that kind of person," are related to the OM. What else could it be? I think her statements are a good sign.

I know there is nothing I can do at this point but wait it out, but does anyone have any thoughts or experience with this type of behavior and what it means?

Thanks,
Svejk

[svejk]

My wife has told me several times in the last few weeks that she is very lonely and does not want to be alone, and she was very emotional and crying about it. I know her well enough to know that she does not like to be alone even for a day or two.

Since she doesn't want to be with me at this point in our relationship, I believe she is seeing the OM to stop the loneliness. I believe this based on other statements she has made to me that I have posted earlier in my thread.

Since my wife is seeing OM and she doesn't know that I know, would I be out of line to tell her something like this:

"I want to tell you something as a friend. I think you are a wonderful person who deserves the best in life. I know how lonely you are at this point because I feel the same way. You could have anyone you wanted in your life and hopefully someday it will be me. But regardless of our situaton, don't ever settle for someone that doesn't deserve you just because you are lonely."

Or should I just leave her alone about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Svejk

[svejk]

Help! Any advice on my previous 2 posts?

It's been 5 days since I've spoken to my wife. This is the longest time in 12 years that I haven't spoken to her, and I'm trying not to contact her.

If it weren't for this forum and your responses I'd have certainly blown it by now.

Thanks,
Svejk