Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Nomopo]

Hi Slowly!

Thanks for the feedback, as always.

Nomo - I wish I could afford you as a note taker, what an incredible journal

I owe you a lot of free hours, so just say the word!

This type of exchange, the coffee routine suggest Acts of Service are an important LL for her. LLs are strange, those that are not important to us can be hard to understand.

Good thoughts on LLs. I actually thinks AOS comes pretty natural to me. I do lots of stuff for lots of people I care about (W included), though maybe some of the Acts that count for me don't count for her (eg, doing stuiff around the house and yard). And I still feel like her LL(s) is/are a combo of QT/AOS and maybe a little RG, but the key underlying factor seems to be the idea of doing something selflessly for W (meaning something that doesn't "benefit" me or isn't my interest, but doing it just because she likes it or it is important to her (eg, taking her shopping, running her errands, bringing her coffee (I don't drink much coffee), spending time and putting effort and thought into gifts she will like, etc.). And I'll say it again: I actually can think of lots of things that that I did do over the years (I did take her shopping often, we did run her errands often, we looked at Christmas lights every year, we made a huge deal out of birthdays - my family didn't, we took full blown family vacations, we went to the movies and for dinner for date nights, etc.). But she isn't focused on those right now, only the shortcomings.

I'm sorry about the funk during S7's birthday party. As painful as they are, I think they are a necessary part of this journey. We often think of growth as gentle and gradual, when in fact sometimes it is more like a metamorphosis (which may have contributed to the Imago brand choice, btw).

I agree. What is the Imago brand choice? A butterfly?

It is interesting that you have now gotten to a point where you are questioning if W will in fact ever be able to fulfil the needs of your kids and you. It is a healthy place to be.

Yes, it feels healthy and balanced (and maybe a little empowering).

I'm so envious of your real life get togethers with dbers!

Well come on girl! Or, better yet, offer to host one there!!!! I'd come.

W sends me an email that her secretary's mother passed away, and asking if we could send flowers.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way, but I find her approach to this quite insane. Granted, with some folks, you would want to maintain a united front. But she has insisted on a separation, for goodness' sake, why would it be necessary to send flowers jointly? This may be an incident worth exploring - her motivation, instincts etc.

Not sure if you think the keep it quiet/united front is what is insane or the aksing me about senidng the flowers. Keep in mind that at W's urging/request, we are not public in our S. Only some very close family members know, our nanny, her bff and now BIL's W's parents (because SIL leaked it). W even told me a few weeks ago (when I first bumped into her after a lunch with OM driving her car) that OM doesn't know we are separated. W is very private, and I suspect would feel ashamed if people find out.

And I don't think the request was so the flowers would be joint. We have always checked with each other about charitable donations and stuff, and since finances aren't split, it may have just been par for the course. (BTW, part of me wants to think her desire to keep the S non-public is a good sign (maybe suggesting that she thinks a reconciliation is possible), but that may be wishful thinking.) In any event, I agree our S is not realistic in a number of ways (not dating, non-public).

And one other thought: in the past when W woud send an email like this I think I often ended up handling it. So that may have been a desire of hers (for me to handle it), but I 180'd that sucker.

I suspect something happens as we(working women) approach our late thirties and start feeling vulnerable from a financial perspective. Yours truly is on a campaign to have more independence, and like you, NG is disturbed. For me at least, it has nothing to do with him, or what I plan to do (nothing, actually). I suspect it is the same for your W?

Could be, but I suspect it also has to do with the S and her thoughts that a D might very well happen. W first brought this up after things were really bad (but pre-EA discovery), and also talked about getting an SUV (to transport kids) for the first time after always wanting a sedan.

Time to update those goals?

Why yes, but some of the ones I have met still need to remain. I mean, I got one hug, but would certainly see more hugs as positive.

Thanks again!
Nomo