My point is the same as I mentioned before in response to Lil’s question. Sure we can all be "happy" through self validation but that is never enough, is it?
Why not? I have a desire to be in a relationship. It is not about validation but about the fact I like being in relationships. My great aunt did not choose to be in a relationship and she is a happy joyous person to be around. One of my best friends is not married yet and may not marry and she is a happy person too. Not in the least bitter or anything.
If you were sufficiently happy through your self validation in your previous marriage, why did you get divorced?
My XH left me
Are you happier now with Raven than you were with your ex?
No but I am just as happy and I do think Raven and I have better communication skills. We don't play that game of "are you happier now." The downside, and Raven is aware of this, is that there is a lingering sadness about what might have been with my XH; I never wanted to have a "first" husband. Of course Raven never wanted to be a first husband either. XH and I were a great couple the first 5 years of our marriage and we had potential to become even better. The irony is that the downfall was a combination of his shame issues AND his feeling that his happiness was dependent upon me. So therefore when he was unhappy he believed it was because something was wrong between US. Now he sees this was a problem for him and for us. If he had looked within himself first, he would not have been susceptible to the OW.
Is that because you have found a better way to self validate, or is it because you would rather be with someone who makes you happy than with someone who makes you upset?
I do want to be with someone that wants to be with me.
If your ability to self validate has not markedly changed since your previous marriage, then I think the main factor causing your higher state of happiness could be the difference between Raven and your ex, right? If so, then other validation DOES have an affect on our happiness.
I am consistently working to improve upon myself and increase my self validation. That work will NEVER be completed.
How could it not? In fact, I believe the longer you are together and the closer you become, the more that person becomes your happiness, rather than just adding to it.
Thank god my grandmother didn't feel that way or my grandfather's passing would have devastated her. Instead she was able to mourn his loss without feeling like her life was over. I visited her a week later and it was such a life and love affirming visit. We talked a lot about him and about how my grandmother was coping. It was this strength that attracted him to her in the first place. He was an incredibly strong man who would not have had patience with a weak woman. Okay from watching him with others I KNOW he would have no patience or respect for weak women or men.
IMO, to say that each of us can be happy alone is only theoretical. There may be some who actually prefer to be alone, such as Mojo's ex, but he's the twisted exception. We are human. We get needy and jealous, anxious, and all those other negative emotions, no matter how enlightened or developed we think we might be.
Hey I know a few women that never married and NONE of them were twisted. In addition my grandpa did not did not remarry about his wife died in her 30's and he was a loving caring man who in no way was twisted or bitter.
The love of another person takes us to a level higher than we can achieve through self validation alone.
I would phrase it that the love of another person takes us to a DIFFERENT level than we can achieve on our own. For some it may be higher and for others it may not be higher but still be worthwhile.
But I do recognize that another person can't do this for us until we are first able to self validate, which is the critical part.
So we basically do agree that as nice (IMO) and necessary (in your opinion) as having others validate us is IF we cannot self-validate then other validation is NOT the answer????????????????
If we agree with this, then the rest of our disagreement is pretty minor IMO.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
