I hope I'm not causing any trouble by copying this here. Check this out from elsewhere: ------ Dear all ~
I am copying over one of my posts from 2001. I was in particular need of this post as a reminder to myself today, and I thought maybe some of you could find something helpful in it too.
Hi everyone! I was reading some material for my Al-Anon program, and I thought it would be very helpful to us over here too. The following is a article on Detachment, and I've gone through it and taken out references to alcoholism, and replaced it with infidelity. Funny how just changing a few words can make a big difference!!
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Detachment with Love
We cannot "Live and Let Live" if we do not attend to our own responsibilities instead of focusing on the responsibilities of others. To keep the focus on ourselves, we need to learn to "detach with love".
We learn how to cope with the infidelity of those we love and to detach from the behavior, not necessarily the person. Infidelity is a family dysfunction. This means family members are deeply affected, physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and intellectually, even though they themselves are not unfaithful.
The stress of living with active infidelity can have numerous effects:
Physical - We may develop health problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, stomach aches, ulcers, panic attacks, insomnia, and heart problems.
Emotional - We may feel angry, resentful, lonely, guilty, or depressed.
Social - In relating to others, we may be distant, aloof, embarrassed, withfrawn, aggressive, arrogant, self righteous, judgemental, or controlling.
Intellectual - We may find it difficult to concentrate, make decisions, comprehend what we are hearing and reading.
Spiritual - Our outlook on life may become bitter, despairing, helpless, hopeless, or lacking in trust or faith.
With practice and with support from others we come to understand that detachment from the wayward spouse's problems does not mean that we stop caring about the person.
Keys to detaching with love:
Responsibility - The first key in detaching is to begin taking responsibility for our own behavior. We can no longer stumble through our lives blaming others for the way we feel and holding them accountable for whether we are happy or not. No one can make us feel anything. It is our reactions to the behavior that causes our anger, resentment, pain and disappointment. When we blame others for our own negative reactions, we hand over all our personal power to that person and we loose ourselves.
Acceptance - Acceptance is the next key. We need to look at the reality of what has happened in the past and what is happening now. Many of us stumble in the beginning over the incorrect thought that acceptance means approval. Acceptance does not mean that we feel ok about current or past circumstances, it only means that we stop trying to change what we have no power over. We have no power over the past or the wayward spouse.
Even with acceptance, we need to grieve the losses caused by infidelity in our families and in our lives. Dreams have faded, bubbles have burst. Acceptance gives us two things - acceptance of our feelings and also acceptance of the fact that we cannot change the other person - healing from our loss and disillusion is an inside job.
The Three C's
Detaching with love is easier when we remember the three C's - we did not cause the infidelity in another, we cannot control the infidelity or the wayward spouse, we cannot cure the infidelity or the wayward spouse.
Cause - Infidelity is an addiction. Just as we cannot cause someone to develop diabetes, cancer, or any other disease, we do not have the power to cause anyone else to become addicted. Every addicted person blames others for their addiction and their use - this is their denial and their disease. Accepting that blame becomes our prison.
Control - Despite our best intentions and efforts, controlling other people does not work. Relationships cannot grow and intimacy cannot develop if one person is controlling the other. We only have control over ourselves and how we respond to situations, other people and their behavior. Trying to control other peoples behavior may temporarily make us feel better and give us an illusion of being in control - but in the long run, it does not work.
Cure - Only the wayward spouse can seek help for his/her addiction. No matter what we do, the treatment for the addiction is not ours to hand out.
Words that stand in the way of detaching:
Why?? What if?? Yes, but... I can't... I'll try...
Why??
The main reason most of us ask why is because we believe with a little more knowledge and a few more details, we can "control" the situation and or person. Asking "why" only wastes our energy - it rarely changes anything.
What if??
What if's keep us from living in the reality of the moment and also keep us from admitting we are powerless. When we are in the past with the "whys" and the future with the "what ifs" we loose today. Today is the only day we have.
Yes, but...
When we "yes but.." we are not listening to what others have to say. We are being self centered and self absorbed, and in essence saying we are so unique that what has worked for countless others will not work in our situation. Each time we "yes but" we are cooking up excuses inside our heads and our minds are closed.
I can't..
This is our biggest lie to ourselves. The truth is not that we can't, but that we won't. It is where we let fear have control over our lives.
I'll try.
The saying, "to try is to lie" refers to how easily we fall into making excuses. If we say, "I'll try" we lack commitment. "I'll try" allows us to bide our time while looking for an excuse not to do whatever we have said we'll try.
H.O.W.
HOW do we detach?
H - Honesty with ourselves and others.
O - Openness to hearing new ideas and breaking old ways of thinking and behaving.
W - Willingness to take risks and try something different.
Detaching with love does not mean that we stop caring. It simply means that we quit trying to control someone else and their behavior. We stop creating comfortable environments for unacceptable behavior. We stop lying to ourselves, we accept the reality of who the person is instead of focusing on who they "could" be.
OMG Bob does that hit it right on the head. I can't believe how accurate that is. My H friend told me I needed to read Al Anonn that he and his wife went thru it because he was an alcoholicbyt he said his sister wasn't and had the same actions as he did. He said the same thing about detaching and finding your self just like everyone tells you to do. This is really good Thank you for finding this and sharing it. I am going to print it off and try to read it often. I have some really good CD's that I have been listening to.
It is so hard to find yourself again when you have formed yourself around him and the kids and life in general. You loose that way to recognize and set goals and just find out who you are. I thank you again for the help. I think all of us should read this. Its like the cd i just listen to. It said lost love is one of the basic fears we face. We have to face that we can get a long with out love to conquer that fear. Detaching is kinda the same.
Thank you so much I really appreciate it. I had better get back to work.
Awesome. Here's another part I have that goes with your post: ------ It Takes Love to Let Go
From the book The Grace Awaking by Dr Charles Swindoll
“Living in freedom is motivating to us. Freedom motivates us to “let go.” When we are not free, we want to control others and the circumstances around us. But when we’re operating in a grace state of mind, we release others to make their own decisions about their life and lifestyle. We free ourselves to accept each day as it comes. The following poem says it best.”
Thanks for the letting go list. I printed it up, It's sad that it took something like this to make me look at myself and see how flawed I have become. I know I have become a better person in the last 4 months. I'll be thinking about you all in the next few days. Wish me luck
Manuel (husband)
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
He still calls and wants to know how it is going. My MIL said get rid of him and live my life that I have put up with enough. She said if he thinks she is coming into this family lots of luck that I am one of her kids and she is nothing. One of my 8 SIL told me tonite that everyone is in disbelieve at what he is doing even his cousins. I told my MIL I am very easy going but when I am done I am done. She told me kick him out and say don't come back. SHE said you have done so much for him and do so much for him that I have enabled him and that when I am gone but OW won't do anything but want a commitment. She said you write a dairy of all that you have done and what he said to you and take him for all he's got. And she said if he thinks that he is going to get any of hers if he leaves with her he will get nothing. The sad thing is he would have ended up with it all. And he thinks he is a head of the game. My MIL said kick him out and you can live there for ever. My BIL said I am the one that takes care of everyone. WEll at least I know some one has noticed all the hard work. You know and my H is not a bad guy but is cetainly going thru a MIL. He has know Idea the impact of what is happening. He hasn't even contacted his youngest S that he is back in the country. He has lost it. Only thinking with one thing and it isn't the head on his shoulders......Someone told me it might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Keep your head up. I cried when I told my MIL that they are family I have ever know. She and my other SIL told me I will always be a part of their family. I know she will bullyher way in but might not have the reception she thought. Then of course he will blame me for turning everyone against him and her. Oh well !! Who knows what tomorrow will bring....
