Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[SunnySeason]

Hey Nomo,

Just finished reading your journaling & wondering how I managed to miss it until now, since I was up reading posts last night!

Since we spoke last night (or was that this morning , I don't have a lot to add that we didn't already address then in our midnight mutual "coaching" session.

I'm sorry about the funk during S7's birthday party. As painful as they are, I think they are a necessary part of this journey. We often think of growth as gentle and gradual, when in fact sometimes it is more like a metamorphosis

Slowly is correct on this, & mostly what we are experiencing right now, although it seems like the mother of a metamorphosis in our shoes, yes!

Lots of good positive direction in there. Thursday should be interesting, & looking forward to hearing about it.

L&L,

Sunny

[Nomopo]

Ok, I haven't even had a chance to read Slowly's or Sunny's posts (but I was pumped to see you both here), but I just have to post this update. I believe this qualifies as a goal met. So,

Journaling: Wednesday, August 8th (Through Lunch)

No contact with W today. Awesome breakfast with CVA. Had lunch scheduled today with a friend from W's law firm. It so happens he was recently appointed their Managing Partner (MP). MP is a nice guy, and we have become friends over the past five years through her Firm's events. We are both big college football fans, so we have taken to emailing back and forth on some football news. Well last week, after I had a networking lunch with another senior lawyer I know in town, I responded to a football email from MP and asked if he wanted to get lunch some time. MP said yes, and it was for today. It is a little unusual because he is a big dog, and we have not done this before, but what they hey.

Well, he suggested a common, friendly place. While we are in the line to order at the counter, MP says "Hey, there's your W." Sure enough, she is there with . . . you guessed it . . . OM, and that third friend (TF) of theirs that they used to go to lunch with regularly who was at their firm but left. W and TF wave, but OM has his back to us and is not turning around for sure. TF and MP don't know about the sitch.

I know W and OM's mind's are racing cause I am with their big boss. W is probably just wondering why the heck we are at lunch together, and I hope OM is worried I might rat him out. He is up for partner this year, and MP is a big Christian and would not look at all kindly on the EA. (Of course, I said nothing to MP, but let them sweat. I did say to MP, jokingly, when W asks you about lunch, tell her you can't divulge anything and I'll do the same and it will drive her crazy. He thought this was funny.)

Anyway, after ordering, I strolled over to their table, W smiles and says hi and I do the same. OM is staring down at the table (looking quite uncomfortable). I said "Hi OM," and stuck out my hand to shake his. OM looked up, a bit surprised, and took my hand and said "Hi Nomo." I smiled a big, comfortable smile (per CVA's advice this morning). I then greeted TF and shook his hand. As I turned off to the drink station, MP greeted the table and we ate lunch. They did not come over to say good bye, and left before we did, but our backs were turned towards them so I didn't see them walking out.

So, I did it. He is nothing. Just a pink elephant. It will get easier and easier for me. I still haven't posted my final thoughts on the OM and W weekend trip yet (finalized early this morning), but I will. For now I just HAD to share this.

Later,
Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Great job Nomo!

[SunnySeason]

Holy Moly Nomo,

Yay for you!!

This is not only a goal met, it's also a huge plant in W's mind of the man you are. OM has just gotten smaller....smaller.....tinyman in her mind.

I'm impressed big time

Sunny

[Nomopo]

Did I mention that he had a really wimpy handshake . . . and that I gave it a huge squeeze. I didn't see a tear, but I was looking for one!

[Heimlich]

LOL. The incredible shrinking OM!

That's awesome.

BD

[Nomopo]

Hi Slowly!

Thanks for the feedback, as always.

Nomo - I wish I could afford you as a note taker, what an incredible journal

I owe you a lot of free hours, so just say the word!

This type of exchange, the coffee routine suggest Acts of Service are an important LL for her. LLs are strange, those that are not important to us can be hard to understand.

Good thoughts on LLs. I actually thinks AOS comes pretty natural to me. I do lots of stuff for lots of people I care about (W included), though maybe some of the Acts that count for me don't count for her (eg, doing stuiff around the house and yard). And I still feel like her LL(s) is/are a combo of QT/AOS and maybe a little RG, but the key underlying factor seems to be the idea of doing something selflessly for W (meaning something that doesn't "benefit" me or isn't my interest, but doing it just because she likes it or it is important to her (eg, taking her shopping, running her errands, bringing her coffee (I don't drink much coffee), spending time and putting effort and thought into gifts she will like, etc.). And I'll say it again: I actually can think of lots of things that that I did do over the years (I did take her shopping often, we did run her errands often, we looked at Christmas lights every year, we made a huge deal out of birthdays - my family didn't, we took full blown family vacations, we went to the movies and for dinner for date nights, etc.). But she isn't focused on those right now, only the shortcomings.

I'm sorry about the funk during S7's birthday party. As painful as they are, I think they are a necessary part of this journey. We often think of growth as gentle and gradual, when in fact sometimes it is more like a metamorphosis (which may have contributed to the Imago brand choice, btw).

I agree. What is the Imago brand choice? A butterfly?

It is interesting that you have now gotten to a point where you are questioning if W will in fact ever be able to fulfil the needs of your kids and you. It is a healthy place to be.

Yes, it feels healthy and balanced (and maybe a little empowering).

I'm so envious of your real life get togethers with dbers!

Well come on girl! Or, better yet, offer to host one there!!!! I'd come.

W sends me an email that her secretary's mother passed away, and asking if we could send flowers.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way, but I find her approach to this quite insane. Granted, with some folks, you would want to maintain a united front. But she has insisted on a separation, for goodness' sake, why would it be necessary to send flowers jointly? This may be an incident worth exploring - her motivation, instincts etc.

Not sure if you think the keep it quiet/united front is what is insane or the aksing me about senidng the flowers. Keep in mind that at W's urging/request, we are not public in our S. Only some very close family members know, our nanny, her bff and now BIL's W's parents (because SIL leaked it). W even told me a few weeks ago (when I first bumped into her after a lunch with OM driving her car) that OM doesn't know we are separated. W is very private, and I suspect would feel ashamed if people find out.

And I don't think the request was so the flowers would be joint. We have always checked with each other about charitable donations and stuff, and since finances aren't split, it may have just been par for the course. (BTW, part of me wants to think her desire to keep the S non-public is a good sign (maybe suggesting that she thinks a reconciliation is possible), but that may be wishful thinking.) In any event, I agree our S is not realistic in a number of ways (not dating, non-public).

And one other thought: in the past when W woud send an email like this I think I often ended up handling it. So that may have been a desire of hers (for me to handle it), but I 180'd that sucker.

I suspect something happens as we(working women) approach our late thirties and start feeling vulnerable from a financial perspective. Yours truly is on a campaign to have more independence, and like you, NG is disturbed. For me at least, it has nothing to do with him, or what I plan to do (nothing, actually). I suspect it is the same for your W?

Could be, but I suspect it also has to do with the S and her thoughts that a D might very well happen. W first brought this up after things were really bad (but pre-EA discovery), and also talked about getting an SUV (to transport kids) for the first time after always wanting a sedan.

Time to update those goals?

Why yes, but some of the ones I have met still need to remain. I mean, I got one hug, but would certainly see more hugs as positive.

Thanks again!
Nomo

[Iamworththetime]

Awesome job on the handhsake Nomo!

[Gone Dancin']

Hey Nomo!

Started to read your past due journal last night around 1:00 a.m. and fell asleep (no offense, just way tired!). Gonna try to get to it this evening early on. Hope you're doing GREAT!!!

GD

[stillme]

He is nothing. Just a pink elephant.

Exactly! A huge, ugly pink elephant with wrinkly, uh, knees and a huge bulbous forehead over tiny beady eyes & a slimy pointed tongue. He is huge, but awkward & slow & not anything you need fear cuz you can - and DID - slay him with one hand! Yay, you!!!