Things are going good today. It's so nice to have someone to talk to; I haven't told anyone about any of this. So thanks for asking JAK. Sorry in advance for the long story, but we had a big night...
H had a last-minute change and didn't leave town until this morning. At his request, if it was okay with me, we talked for hours last night. I swear he's secretly on this board too. He told me a few things, such as, he's noticed my "180" (yes, that's what he called it). Said he was angry and mixed feeling at first, probably because he was sure I would never change and had been living/planning on that. Still has some mixed feelings but is glad that I'm doing things differently.
H also noticed that I'm always pleasant and it's him who has to bring up our R and wanted me to know that he has "no boundaries" for me. He wants me to bring up R if I want and if he doesn't want to talk, he'll say so. Also asked that we both agree to speak up about feelings and give each other the permission to take things back or modify them later.
I told him that I regret my "autopilot" life and sad/grumpy attitude over the last year or so and was sorry that it hurt him. He interrupted: you're taking too much blame, being a martyr, that's not the case, this crisis is not your fault. I said: Not at all, I'm just recognizing my contributions to our problems.
I thanked him for being nice to me this last month and staying home. Also told him that because of his bad behavior and lies these last 6 months, that I don't trust him or believe a lot of the things he says to me and that I'm pretty sure he's cheating on me. (Obviously I didn't fess up to my snooping discovery.) H: am sorry for how I acted and sorry he made me feel that way and can understand why I feel that way. He knew he lost his credibility with me and that's why he emails me his work travel itineraries and has been good about staying home mostly or letting me know his whereabouts and calling frequently these last 4-6 weeks, right? (I said yes, mostly) Didn't confirm/deny anything.
He said knows he's been bad and unfair to me, and since the bomb, been withdrawn. Says he can fix it anytime by throwing back on his emotional armor but thinks it's important that he doesn't do that and keeps pushing through it. So he expects to be distant and withdrawn sometimes but is ready to to include me more and start "dating" and inviting me to join him with his friends.
He talked about different things that have occurred over the last 15 years. Problems he's had with our sex life (me and him) and not feeling like a man because I'm always ahead of him on the master plan (house buying, savings, etc). And everything has always been 50/50 with us -- money, chores, private spaces in the house -- which has been fair and great but now is making him feel different about it, less of a man and like we both live with each other but like single people. Not sure I understood all of it, or that he does either.
Says he's rethinking everything about his life, including whether or not we have kids. In his mind, there's no point bringing it up because he knows that I'm not interested. (We lived together for 10yrs before getting married mainly because he's younger than me and I told him I wanted him to be old enough to know what he wanted and in particular not wanting kids because I didn't want them.) I told him that I may have misled him and myself and admitted thinking about having kids too, though not as things are right now! He was surprised; I have been too. I told him that we both have changed and are changing all the time, that we haven't really talked to each other for a few years, and that both of us have to throw away all of our assumptions about the other and get talking.
I won't see him again until our first MC appt on Thursday; he flies in during the day and will meet me there. Says he's not sure we need it because we're on a good track now of discovery in ourselves and each other. But he'll be there and try to keep an open mind about it. (He had a bad experience with C as a teenager.)
We cuddled to sleep, he woke me at 5am to say goodbye, and left me a voicemail when he landed. Got an "ILY very much" at least 3 times in a 12-hour period!
So I'm feeling pretty good today. I know there will be ups and downs, so I'm not fooling myself, just enjoying what I got. Also know that I have to get it together to tell him that I snooped and know that he cheated. For now, I just want to believe it was a one-time thing, long ago. I'm thinking about instituting an amnesty night, like Lin said, and make him come clean. I know I have to do this soon, especially if it's still going on or worse than I think or ??? He's not ready to tell me on his own, and I'm not ready to confront on it.
So... JAK, Lin, anybody... what do you think? Am I doing this right/wrong?
