GGB thats why confidence has to be built on something other that success. I think the best thing to build it on is your own ability to deal with adversity. Not to build it on success but your ability to handle failure. This may sound negative at first glance but really its about freeing yourself from fear.
I saw an interview with the comedian Dave Chapelle where he described the liberation he felt from failing completely in front of an audience. He was giving an early performance and people booed him off stage, what he though would be the worst moment of his life, the thing he dreaded had happened and he discovered that it was ok. He took that experience as the fact that he can handle the worst and let that free him.
Much in the same way once you know are able to handle the inevitable rejection/conflict that will take place in any relationship you have a much more solid base of confidence in my opinion than one contingent solely upon success.
I can see that, but it isn't as easy as it sounds to find confidence in your failures.
It doesn't sound easy to me and that wasn't my intention.
I understand that it's difficult to show confidence when all "evidence" seems to indicate that you have nothing to be confident about. Much in the same way it's hard to even "act" attractive when circumstances seems to be proving that you're not.
What I was trying to describe is a perceptual shift away from focusing on the outcome of events onto your ability to handle the outcome.
I still think you are missing the point. Maybe Hairdog will show up here and lend his thoughts, for I truly see that he has 'gotten' it. I'll shut up about this until he either answers or declines to.
I believe what Martelo is saying comes off as appearing simple, for it is... yet, by you saying this:
Quote:
gotcha. Still, even that shift is hard to do when your results are mostly "opportunities to learn".
You are showing that you are still attached to outcome.
You shift. Period. It is the gradual yet consistant act of 'shifting.' The results you experience don't make it harder or easier. It is just awkward to always act with consciousness. Yet you do it in order for it to become automatic...
Breathing is one of the most strenuous things your body does. Yet we do it. It's an automatic condition, you don't have to think about it. Imagine if you did have to think about it. You more than likely wouldn't think of much else in a day.
My mother was in a coma and on a ventilator for six weeks... when she came out of it, and off the ventilator, she actually had to retrain her body to breathe on its own. You know how they train you to do that? They just turn off the ventilator, and let you sit there and gasp. It's breathe or suffocate. Can you imagine how terrifying that would be?
So... on one level, it is easy for all of us to say... "just be more confident." I can see it in others, I can even feel it from others... but knowing and feeling what it is to be confident in my own skin is something else. How does confident Corri act? How does she feel? How does she react?
It remains a completely conscious effort... until it isn't. The more I worry and become anxious about outcomes, responses and results, the harder it is going to SEEM, for my focus is no longer on BEING confident... my focus is now on being anxious, worrying, pissy, crabby, fearful... whatever... and escaping those not-so-good feelings... I will revert to old patterns (that never worked anyway, but it's all that I unconsciously know, and therefore it feels easier, simply because it is habit)... but now I am further from my goal than I have ever been...
Make any sense?
Hairdog, if NOTHING else, is now conscious. He is now working on BEING confident. He knows when he is, and he knows when he isn't. But, again, he needs to speak for himself.
Okay, maybe a little more detail, but remember, I'm only JUST getting it, and I'm pretty sure that I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg.
I'm making some changes. W is reacting to those changes in predictable ways, based on our history. I am not reacting in predictable ways to her reaction. It's causing friction. Normally, I avoid this friction because, well, I feel totally responsible for making sure that W is happy...especially that she is happy WITH ME.
But I've got this wacky idea that, whatever happens right now, I can handle it. If she cuts me off from sex, (lol) If she gives me the silent treatment, If she gives me THAT LOOK, Even if she divorces me, I can handle it.
My "goal" (which may or may not ever be attained, but it's my goal nevertheless) is to have a happy, healthy, strong marriage with my wife. My other goal is to be a happy, healthy, strong man. I know I can reach that one, because it depends entirely on me.
The first goal, you see, is partially dependent upon her actions, so it's not a sure thing. Still, it is a goal. If I don't reach it, I can handle it.
The "confidence" comes in because I am pretty sure that getting to either/both goals is likely to cause friction, unhappiness, and maybe even divorce. I'm not just going in with an attitude of "f@ck you, W, I know what I'm doing," but rather, "I know what I'm doing. I'll listen to you and do my best to address your concerns, but I won't stop short of my goal just to soothe you. I will try to soothe you on my way but, I know you are a strong woman and can soothe yourself."
It's a lot of work to keep thinking this way, and I have to force myself to keep on saying "you can survive her disapproval" but old habits die hard. My therapist was totally stoked for me when I told him that I had gone ahead and bought the tickets, and that I still planned on going on my trip in the face of her accusation of me being selfish. I told him, "I heard the voice in my head say, 'don't go' and I figured that the key to getting to the goal of being a strong healthy man was to hear the old voice and do the opposite."
So far, so good. Call it confidence or stepping out of the comfort zone or doing the opposite of what you've been doing, or whatever.
Corri, Actually I do know too well about the breathing thing. I have suffered from asthma on occasion (allergies), and when it is bad all of my being is concentrated on breathing and avoiding panic. It is about the most terrifying thing you can imagine.
I think I know what you mean, and I think I've been there before. When not there, it is hard to find the lever to start the transition. Once there it is obvious, but now I can't remember where it was. Then again, maybe I'm clueless.
