Okay, maybe a little more detail, but remember, I'm only JUST getting it, and I'm pretty sure that I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg.
I'm making some changes. W is reacting to those changes in predictable ways, based on our history. I am not reacting in predictable ways to her reaction. It's causing friction. Normally, I avoid this friction because, well, I feel totally responsible for making sure that W is happy...especially that she is happy WITH ME.
But I've got this wacky idea that, whatever happens right now, I can handle it. If she cuts me off from sex, (lol) If she gives me the silent treatment, If she gives me THAT LOOK, Even if she divorces me, I can handle it.
My "goal" (which may or may not ever be attained, but it's my goal nevertheless) is to have a happy, healthy, strong marriage with my wife. My other goal is to be a happy, healthy, strong man. I know I can reach that one, because it depends entirely on me.
The first goal, you see, is partially dependent upon her actions, so it's not a sure thing. Still, it is a goal. If I don't reach it, I can handle it.
The "confidence" comes in because I am pretty sure that getting to either/both goals is likely to cause friction, unhappiness, and maybe even divorce. I'm not just going in with an attitude of "f@ck you, W, I know what I'm doing," but rather, "I know what I'm doing. I'll listen to you and do my best to address your concerns, but I won't stop short of my goal just to soothe you. I will try to soothe you on my way but, I know you are a strong woman and can soothe yourself."
It's a lot of work to keep thinking this way, and I have to force myself to keep on saying "you can survive her disapproval" but old habits die hard. My therapist was totally stoked for me when I told him that I had gone ahead and bought the tickets, and that I still planned on going on my trip in the face of her accusation of me being selfish. I told him, "I heard the voice in my head say, 'don't go' and I figured that the key to getting to the goal of being a strong healthy man was to hear the old voice and do the opposite."
So far, so good. Call it confidence or stepping out of the comfort zone or doing the opposite of what you've been doing, or whatever.
