Just a venting for now, but this got it all out of my system. If I were to actually send it, I don't think it would get me any closer to my goals, so just posting it here (it's long):
Dear H, It seems like the last 9 months have been a series of revelations. 9 months--the gestation of a new life--yours and mine. At least I can look back and see how all of the pieces fit.
I realize that you have been going through personal changes, probably for a few years now. You'e said you grew unhappy in your identity, being seen as Superman, always being selfless and feeling stuck in that role. You've said that you felt taken advantage of, especially by me.
I can understand you wanting to change that, to become more balanced and set up appropriate boundaries. I am so sorry that I missed your message when you tried to reach out to me. I never thought that I was hurting you.
That's when things went downhill. You gave up trying to reach me when I didn't hear you. It became your secret, something pushed down inside of you where resentment grew. You gave up, not fighting for me, for us.
You turned outside of the marriage to vent. I learned that you confided in bff when you went to neighbor's mother's funeral--she never passed it on to me, because you swore to stand by your committments and your marriage, and to work it out. That was 1+1/2 years ago.
If you spoke to bff, I am sure that you spoke with CW at the same point, if not earlier. But bff was in a stable relationship and just put it back on you to talk to ME and work on it. We all know that CW was not in a stable M, and the commiserating began.
Your focus switched to everything that you perceived was wrong with our marriage and me. Your friend even told me how negative you sounded about everything. I think you had a personal realization that you were unhappy with your life, and looked around to see me--you projected that what I loved about you was what you could do for me. But that was never the case--I loved you for who you are. I seem to represent the old you, the one who was partnered, who "held you back" and who you felt responsible for, when it was really YOU who put these standards and expectations on yourself. I had no idea the resentment building in you, since when we started our R, you expressed your love by doing things for others (not just me).
CW was there to reinforce all of the negativity. "You deserve so much better, you poor thing!" And you did the same thing for her--pity and ego-stroking. Ironic that, in your search for independence and freedom from responsibility, you have given your heart to someone who coveted you for so long, who said she would do anything to have you, and who is so needy and weighed down by baggage herself. I remember you rushing off to pick up her D after 10, in your pajamas and lying down after working all day and snowblowing into the night, at her beck and call.
Now, CW's M is not what our M was. I'm not an alcoholic who stays out to all hours on a weekly basis, driving home drunk. I've never had to "escape" from you or the children. I was not depressed, verbally abusive or violent. I was not "grouchy" or "cranky." While I didn't put a priority on keeping house, EVER (you were the one who bought the magnet: Dull Women keep Immaculate Houses), I did care for you and the children, and showed my love in many ways. I worked and contributed to the family finances. Our skills complimented each other so well in how we were able to build up our home and family, balancing each other out. We shared the same values and many of the same interests. You said you were proud of me and my accomplishments, both as a mother and as a teacher/volunteer. And I loved you.
My love was for this good man who I was priveldged to share my life's journey with. He was kind, considerate, loving, thoughtful, and dedicated to his family. He was warm and caring, strong in mind and morals.
The person who you have become has hurt me, over and over, with intent and/or disregard. You don't care who you hurt, now. Even knowing what is in the best interest of the children does not change your mind. I was taken aback the day I shared repressed memories of abuse, and you wanted to know what that had to do with our problems. You never brought it up again. Recently, our friend called you, concerned about how upset I seemed. You not only did not call (but told her you wanted to know when things like that happened--why, are you hoping something would happen?), but you never had our son call me that night, either. From the same person who condemned me when the kids didn't call early enough on Father's Day, which you weren't even home for.
You are a liar and an adulterer--and the lies were not to "protect" me from being hurt, but to protect yourself and your own interests. Wouldn't it have been convenient if I had agreed to move out of the house, leaving you with everything including the kids and your lover across the street? When that didn't happen, you snuck around, "fooling" everyone (not really), getting indignant at the mere suggestion that your integrity was being questioned. It must have all been so exciting, going off to motels and having sex in the car! It was cowardly. What happened to trustworthy?
You convinced me that I was crazy when I sensed the inappropriateness, leading up to and including the affair, and as far back as two summers ago--just friends, my ass! But I trusted you, defended you to others, allowing you your friendships (I did not want to control you or tell you who to be friends with); I lost faith in myself, couldn't trust my own feelings. That is what made me suicidal. And that is when you say the physical affair actually started. Were you hoping to come home and find me dead? What happened to compassion?
You betrayed me, our marriage, our children and our family. You were right when you said you failed, but I still saw an opportunity to make it right, I was willing to do anything to help you come home to my heart, and I worked so very hard at changing any issue that you brought up. What happened to loyalty?
Instead, I am disappointed and ashamed of you.
I have owned up to my mistakes, but there was nothing that I did that warranted how you have treated me. You have no forgiveness or remorse, and nothing that I've done to fix this has touched your heart. It all seems so punishing, and you continue to pay lip service to your contributions to this while blaming me for so much and rationalizing your choices. You even alluded to how I CAUSED you to have the affair, like you had no other choice! If you needed space and was so certain that you were done, why didn't you leave? Or file? Or even look into how to file? You say that you tried, and I believe that you did to an extent (as gullible as I am), but HOW? How did you think you would "find me" while you were emotionally, then physically involved with another woman? You won't read anything, talk with people who don't agree with you--even lied during your C, making that whole thing a farce. What happened to integrity?
I BEGGED you to back off of that "friendship" for years, to turn towards me and the marriage. I wanted to talk to you, but you were talking to her every day at the bus stop, in the hot tub, etc. I did NOT ask you to give your heart away to another! I did NOT unzip your pants! What happened to dignity?
Today, I can look at myself in the mirror and see a strong woman who tried everything humanly possible to save her marriage, even i nthe face of such betrayal, for her family and children, for herself, and yes, for her husband.
I've learned a lot about my own faults and areas that I can grow and become a better person, and I know that I am on the right path to get there and move forward. That is the one positive that I can see from this whole mess. And those lessons will serve me well when I meet someone...
I miss my husband very much. You look a lot like him, which is very confusing to me sometimes. He was a good man. I'm not sure what lead you to make, and continue to make, these choices in your life that seem so contradictory to your core values, but I guess those have changed, too. I don't want the man you have become. But I hope that you find what has driven you to all of this, this elusive happiness that you are searching for.
I can understand, now, what people mean when they say that someone is under the Devil's influence. The whole thing is so sad.
So, I am finally able to accept the truth and let you go, even if it is something that I never foresaw or wanted. I was secure in our marriage, and with myself, once. I am glad to have my faith restored in myself. Your secret changes were just so incomprehensible to me; it took me a long time to open my eyes and accept this new you and your change in feelings and values. As we've discovered, my defense mechanism is denial of the bad stuff.
I can't fathom all of the emotions that drove you to treat me the way that you have--I didn't deserve this.
Maybe the saddest thing in all of this is that I still love you. Or, at least, who I believed you to be. You will always have a special place in my heart. I am thankful for all of the good years and memories that we've shared, and for helping me bring these wonderful children into my life.
I can't make you love me. I can't make you hold value in our marriage or family. I can't make you want to try. And honestly, I can't predict if it could work now, anyway. I used to think we could handle anything that life put before us. I;ve learned, the hard way, that there are no certainties in life, no promises that can't be broken.
I'm looking forward, now, to enjoying my freedom and independence. I am surrounded by family and friends who love me. You were right--we're all going to be OK. And I know that I have a lot to offer to the world. Maybe someday I will find someone to share that with again, when I am ready and open to it. I'll never just settle, and I'll never be complacent again. Each day and each person we love is a gift, a miracle, not to be squandered. And happiness comes from within you, first. You have to be happy and secure in your own skin. And I am.
I hope that you find what you need. I wish it could have been together with me...
