Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Not Much Left]

You all have obviously not seen me in person!!

[Nomopo]

Ok my friends. Time to catch-up on a TON of journaling. Given how far behind I am (over two weeks for crying out loud!!), I am sure I have forgotten some things/details, but I did keep some notes (as you will see). Here is my best (and lengthy) effort! As always, any and all advice/encouragement/criticism/support/feedback is most welcome. And thanks to any and all who read this.

Journaling:

Thursday (7/19), evening:

W was going to come over tonight to finish preparations for S6's BDay. I get home from work, and the kids and I head out for dinner. I call MIL to see if she wants to join us because she hasn't seen the kids this week. MIL says yes, so we go by and pick her up. After MIL gets in the car, W called. I answer right as MIL is laughing, and W asks "Is that my mother?" I say yes and explain that we are going to dinner. W says she may try to join us (which is a bit of a surprise because she is super busy at work), but then W gets another call and says she'll call back. When W does call back, she says she can join us and asks me to order for her. Dinner was friendly and pleasant. I was positive, happy and upbeat, and overall the interactions with W (and MIL) are positive.

After dinner, I take the kids home, but swing by my folks' place to drop off D4's heavily stained shirt (pen ink). My mother is a master stain remover. W takes MIL home, and then meets me and the kids at the house. I handle getting the kids ready for and to bed, while W starts working on Bday preparations. Once the kids are down (and after good nights all around), I offer to help W with Bday preparations and, in fact, help a lot. W was pleasantly surprised, I guess. Recall that she had said she would handle everything twice previously. (Maybe this is part of her effort to show she does half the stuff around the house. ) At one point, W asked me to run to the store to get balloons. After I get back, we set up the kids' breakfast table and surrounding area with decorations and morning surprises. After just about everything is ready for the morning, W says she is tired and asks if I will wrap S6's two presents. I say "sure," and do it after she leaves. W says she will pick up a card on the way home. (Turns out that this takes longer than expected for her because the store she went to was closed.) Before W left, she mentions again how crazy her work is, and I offer again to switch back weekends if she needs me to take the kids.

Friday (7/20):

In the morning, W comes about 25 minutes earlier than I was expecting in order to be there when S7 finds his Bday spread. (It's too bad because I was hoping to be looking sharp in a new tan suit I have. Oh well. At least I looked thinner when she walked up.) The Birthday celebration went very well. S7 (and D4) enjoys it all and is excited. Our only glitch is that our camera is broken, and we didn't have any disposable ones, so we took video and used an underwater disposable left over from their FL vacation. W asks me if I can get some cameras before the family dinner tonight and the official party on Sunday. I say yes (and, of course, do).

One other interesting thing about this morning is that it starts to rain very hard while S7 is opening his presents. W has left her umbrella in her car, which is parked on the street, so she asks if we have any in the house. I say yes, and also offer to get her a big golf umbrella from the garage to give her more coverage. W says a regular umbrella will be fine. I continue to go about getting ready for the day. A little later, when W is ready to leave, she comes into the bedroom, with D4 on her back, and asks me for the umbrella. I say, "Oh, do you want the golf umbrella?" and start to head to the garage. She says "no, just a regular one." I say, "oh, ok, well those are in the entry way closet" as they always are. And I keep getting ready just assuming she will get it herself. She sort of looks at me, maybe a little annoyed or disappointed, and she says "I may need your help." Guessing this is because D4 is on her piggyback, I say "oh, ok, sorry" and go get it. No biggie, but just felt a little strange at the time.

During the workday, I send her an email with my temporary cell phone number and say I thought she might like it on her BB. (Did I mention that I dropped my BB/phone in a urinal after my IC session the time before? ). W has had difficulty reaching me the last few days, so she replies "Yes! Thanks!" I also got a workout in over the lunch hour.

We (W, me, and the three grandparents) meet at our house after work to let S7 open the remaining family presents and then go to dinner. W asks me if I can still switch weekends and watch the kids this weekend, and I say yes. She says she is going to work all day Saturday, as long as it takes, so that she can be available for S7's Bday party on Sunday. Opening gifts is fun, and then we head out for dinner at S7's choice of restaurants. W rode with me and the kids there and back. All goes well.

Once we get back to the house, W asks if it is ok if she and MIL leave right away because she is exhausted. I say "No problem," with a very "as if" attitude, and I handle getting the kids to bed. W thanks me and seems genuinely appreciative, and calls out goodbye to me deliberately as they leave (because I had gone to another room to get PJs, towels and toothbrushes ready). Later that night, I prepare W's cheerleading charms and the handwritten note about our intense JC session and how it moved me.

Saturday (7/21):

I spent all day with kids today (W was working so she could make S7's Bday party on Sunday). We started off at the mall where I got my haircut and then we went shopping for some more of those clothes (and toys like things you were around your neck and wrists) that make me look like a 40-year old who wants to be 20 again. D4 was an especially big help. The kids both like to spend money, and seem to be naturals. We also got chair massages and the kids played on the indoor playground for a bit.

MIL called while we were at the mall and said the older of my two BILs was arriving from out of town with his family, and she asked if we wanted to join them for lunch. BIL has a S6 who is like a brother to my S7. (They used to live across the street from us.) I said sure, and we headed out to meet them. I think it was the first time I have seen BIL and his wife since the weekend we told them about the S. They are pulling for us to reconcile. After hearing about the S, BIL had sought me out to find out what was going on, so he knows I want to work things out and he knows his sister is a WAW and that she can't be pressured and probably needs time, space and support from her family. BIL and his family were in town specifically for the Bday party. Lunch was nice, and then we all decided to head to MIL's so the kids could go swimming and we could just hang out. At some point I sent an email to W to tell her that my old cell number was working again.

After a bit of swimming, the kids were resting and having a snack and MIL and BIL said I could go for a jog. Afterwards, I called them and offered to bring home some dinner (BBQ). During dinner, BIL asked how I was doing. I said pretty good, especially considering. I asked if W had said anything to him on the FL vacation or otherwise, and he said he hadn't talked to W at all about the sitch (he was trying to give her time and space). MIL mentioned that W had to work all day. I asked if she had started early, and MIL said not really, she slept until about 9 am, which was good because I know she was pretty sleep deprived. MIL then mentions that she won't see W that night because W is going straight to a Firm recruiting event. Hmmm. Now my mind is racing, as W hadn't mentioned this. Of course, all the bad possibilities pass through my mind (with OM being at her firm and all). Anyway, later from home and once the kids are down (nephew 6 is spending the night with us too), I sent two late night emails to W (one about an RSVP for the party, and one about an appointment at her firm that was in the paper). I wanted to see if she would respond. She didn't until early next morning (6:40 am).

Sunday (7/22):

W and I had discussed a plan for the day. W was to come over late in the morning, after picking up the Bday cake and some more balloons. We would finish some last minute preparations for the party, and then head out for lunch. After lunch, we would all head to the bowling alley for the festivities. Well, I am in a funk this morning because of learning the previous day that W had gone to a law firm recruiting event without telling me (felt like she was hiding something, and recall OM works there too). I was trying to shake it (with some help from some of you on these boards - thanks). I thought I had it licked, but then W calls late (about 10:45 am), and says she is at the office, is not getting through with her work, and wants to know if I can get the cake and balloons or if she needs to ask MIL or BIL to do it. I say I can handle it, but I start to ask about her work, including how late she stayed last night. She answers in a way that makes it clear to me she is not forthcoming about the recruiting event. I am imagining (key word there probably) the worst reason for this (she's hiding something, obviously). My PMA is down now, partly because of my OM fears and partly because W didn't get her work done and now it is affecting our Bday plans and preparations, and that annoys me. (In hindsight, I realized that maybe W didn't come right out and tell me about the recruiting event because she knew I would be upset she didn't get her work done and had to work in the morning. This makes as much sense as anything. Too bad I didn't use the 48-hour rule.) After probing a bit more, and some more evasive answers, I finally come right out and ask W if she went to a recruiting event because her mom had mentioned it. She said yes, a cocktail party (and she threw in that she had given some work to word processing and really couldn't do anymore until they made revisions to her document, which supports the idea that she was evasive because she was concerned I would be mad she didn't get her work done Saturday night like she said she would). I ask her why she is hiding that from me, and she makes a comment about me grilling her. It is not going well. Tension was mounting, and emotions were churning (on my part at least). I regrouped mid-convo/awkwardness, and apologized, and said it was none of my business. She said ok, but we ended the call and the backslide was clearly out there.

I now pack up the kids and head to the store for cake and balloons. I also find a little blank card in the flower/balloon section and decide to write a little "I'm sorry again" note, which is part of my Do Something Different DB strategy (trying to get a quick recovery for bad exchanges). On the way home I sent W a short email saying the cakes look fine, which is something she asked me to do. Once home, I write the following note: "W, sorry again. I have had a hard time keeping my emotions in check. Your mom told me last night you had a recruiting function, and it feels like you're hiding something from me when you deliberately keep your activities a secret. My emotions are normal, I'm sure, but it is still wrong. I know I have to but it is hard for me to accept that you don't want me in your life. I will keep working on it. I also have to accept that either my understanding of our agreements about our S was wrong from the start or the agreements have changed. I'm working on that too. So I will. Nomo" Ok, so I got a few things in there that went beyond "I'm sorry." Guess I was hoping she might respond to some of my needs. No such luck, of course.

W comes home and goes to see the kids first. I had left the note for her on her bathroom vanity. When she came out, she thanked me for the note, and we had a brief exchange (no substance), but my PMA was down and I was clearly shaken. We continue getting ready for the party. The topic of lunch comes up and W says well, it's too late for us to go out, so I head out to bring Happy Meals home. We go to party and I just cannot shake the funk I am in. Lots of family around, most of whom know about our sitch, and its got me down. I think most of them see it, and they offer me some support/concern. As we are all leaving, one SIL says "hang in there; we're pulling for you." W and I and kids and a few other family members head to our house so S7 can open his party gifts. After that is over, and people have cleared out, I get ready to say my goodbyes to the kids. W mouths to me that I should tell the kids I will be out of town for a few days, so I do. MIL asks where I am going. I say San Diego, just to get away for a bit and try to have some fun. I head back to my parents house to try to re-coup and maybe get a nap. Again, just a real intense funk all day that I couldn't shake. My worst day in a while for sure.

After an hour or so, I finally bounce back. I need to head into work to get some things done before leaving town, and on my way I call W. I ask her if I can come by the house to see the kids again to say a better goodbye. I explain that I was just in a funk all day, but that I finally feel better. She says "Sure, of course" and sounds pleasant and fine. Once I get there I have a much better interaction/goodbye with the kids. W is sitting there the whole time too and is friendly. As I get up to go she is looking at me. I make a slight move towards her, and then she leans forward so I give her a small hug, and instinctively give her a little peck on the neck. (Didn't even realize I was doing it until it was too late, but no reaction really). I count that as me initiating the hug, so it's not a goal met, but it is better than nothing.

While I am work W called about something with the kids (can't remember exactly), but I let it go to vm. W calls again later because she has now found the cheerleading trinkets. She sounded genuinely appreciative and thanks me, and we discuss it very briefly. The card I had left with the two trinkets read: "W, I just wanted to tell you how much our JC session on Wednesday moved me. It helped give me a deeper understanding of what you are going through and what has happened to us. I got this gift for you to try to express how powerful I thought it was. I was hoping you'd pick one of these and let me keep the other as a reminder for me so I never forget. Nomo PS - one other little gift hasn't arrived yet." Note that I decided not to give her the other little gift, and she hasn't asked. I think this went well, but the effect was somewhat diminished by the bad PMA day. It was a bit of a lost opportunity; bad timing. But still ok. (Note: when I got back in the house from San Diego I found the little trinket she left me (a megaphone), and it is now on my keychain. I also noted that W has been keeping all of the cards and notes I have written her post-bomb in the same keepsake box she has kept everything I have ever given her in. I'm taking that as a positive. Could be worse.)

Monday (7/23):

I wake up early this morning and head to the gym for a quick workout, and then it is off to the airport to fly to Sunny's San Diego to hang with Sunny and Still. After picking up my convertible muscle car (mustang), I head out, wind blowing my long golden hair in the wind, with shirt off, muscles rippling and browning in the CA sun. Oh, wait, that was Fabio. But I did have the top down.

So I walk in, hugs all around, just like old friends (which we are). We talk for an hour at least before I even carry my bag back to S15's bunk beds. Then we head out for some lunch. Really good time and we bond even more (if that is possible). I had some good seafood, drank quite a few beers (and one of the worst margaritas I have ever had), and four or five hours later (!) we head back to Sunny's house. I nap off the beers for an hour or two, while the girls were posting (I think). Wake up, quick shower to clear the fog, then its out for dinner and more libations (this time margaritas primarily, and maybe a beer or two). We stayed for a long time and talked, and talked, and talked. It was great. By the time we got home, I was pooped so I crashed. The girls partied into the wee hours, but I couldn't hang with them. I think there might have been some male strippers there, because I found a thong in the kitchen and it wasn't mine.

I had no phone contact with W this day. I did receive an email about parking for S7's basketball camp, so I forwarded it to W since it was her watch. She replied back in the afternoon, asking if the nanny already had this. Since it was after the camp had started by the time she replied, I decided to ignore it.

Tuesday (7/24):


I slept in a little. Still and I decide we are going to try to explore some of San Diego, but we head to a thrift store first with Sunny to hunt for treasures. After that, Sunny heads to the gym and Still and I feel obligated to sample an In 'N Out Burger. (Sunny later asks: Why???) It was ok. Overrated in our opinion, but unbelievably cheap. We then head to Coronado Island to see the Hotel Del (a famous hotel and the place where W and I got engaged). On the drive to the hotel, W called me. I was surprised, and had told Sunny and Still that I did not think W would call at all while I was on the trip. When I answered I said "Hey, I just passed the Starbucks by the Hotel Del!" We used to walk there and back from the hotel at night after dinner. She responded with a sweet little "awwww." She then said she was calling about the parking email for S7's basketball camp. After we dismissed that topic, we chatted a little bit about Coronado. It was pretty quick, but pleasant/friendly. I can't remember any other specifics.

Still and I checked out the hotel, and then walked out towards the beach and stopped for a moment by the rocks where I had proposed to W. We then took a long walk the length of the beach (all the way to the North Island Naval Base fence, so we got some exercise) and had a great talk all the way. Talked about our sitches, our spouses, and our families. We came back to the hotel and checked out some stores, including the candy store. When we got back in the car, I called home to talk to the kids.

Back at Sunny's house, I took a little time to sculpt my six pack, then had a great shower and it was off to find some dinner in La Jolla. We finally settled on a gem of an Italian restaurant (Sunny - name?). Really good food, good drinks and good company/convo. Lingered for several hours again. The only uncomfortable part was how forward the waitress was with me. I mean, please. It's a curse, really. We went home and I crashed relatively early again. I know, light weight, but I am having like six drinks to their one. I believe they posted late into the night, and I heard some very distinct giggling in my hazy fog.

Wednesday (7/25):

I took Still to the airport this morning ( ), and wished her good luck (not knowing the storm she was about to walk into). I decided to finish up some more sightseeing today, but this time solo which is pretty cool too. I went back to Coronado Island for a little longer look at the hotel, and also to walk around the little town shops that W and I used to stroll. I do really love that place in particular (and San Diego more generally). I call the kids before they head out for basketball camp. S7 tells me that the night before he was rescuing these teeny tiny peeper frogs we have in our yard. He says he got about 4 or 5, and also one big momma frog. He says she was the mommy and he was putting the family back together. Apparently W was there. I wonder if she followed that.

I then drove through and around Balboa Park, and then headed to my old stompin grounds at Pacific Beach. I check out my old hood, and had a long leisurely lunch of fish tacos and beer at the PB Bar & Grill. I caught up on some DB posts too from my blackberry. Afterwards, I walked down to the PB beach, walked the length of the beach again for exercise, and then laid out tanning/burning for about an hour and a half. Finally, I head up to La Jolla to explore some of the shops and coast line. While walking on a pier of sorts, and getting a close up look at the local seals, W calls from our house. I let it go to voicemail. She says she has to work late the next night, and wants to know if I want to watch the kids (after flying back in from S.D.). She says she can get MIL if I can't. I called her back a little later, and it goes to voicemail (they may be outside or may have gone to dinner). I leave a message, with the ocean crashing into the wall behind me (hah! how do you like my picnic now??), and I tell W I can't watch the kids because I have some plans that night, but that I will come by to see then from the airport.

I head back to Sunny's, we pick up some tacos for dinner (with S15 - great kid; S4 too but the only chance I got to meet him was while he was pretty groggy from a nap). After scarfing those tacos down, we retreat for some more DB talk and she feeds me all of her H's fine beers! A chance to be a good hostess and take a shot at WAHubby too! (Just kidding.) Sunny comments that the white t-shirt is a good look for me, so I immediately begin plotting my strategy to use this with W.

Thursday (7/26):

I rise early (for the first time on my SD trip), and head out for a nice three-mile jog along the Sunset Cliffs coastline. Awesome! After coming home, cleaning up a bit and packing, I am off to the airport. Sunny and I exchange goodbyes, and I tell her I will be back every other weekend for the remainder of the year. (Only kind of kidding.) While walking through the airport, I accidentally speed dial W at work from my cell. I don't know if she answered, and she never called back.

Back in Texas, I head to the house to see the kids. After a bit, I get ready to head out for that "commitment." MIL asks if I can get S7 in a bath while she takes D4, and I say "Sorry, I can't, I am meeting people." MIL looks slightly annoyed. Sorry. (The other people at the gym with no social lives were expecting me. ) I made no calls to W this day, who was apparently working real late, but W had emailed me that afternoon (while I was on the plane), forwarding an email from a friend of mine who was working on her deal.. W said simply: "Small world." I decided to respond later.

Friday (7/27):

Had an IC session this morning. I can't remember a lot of the details. We discussed my S.D. trip and participation on these boards. We also discussed the cheerleading trinket idea (which C loved!). I told her it went well, but would have been better if W hadn't found them the night after my day-long Bday party funk. We also discussed my DB efforts, the sitch and some issues around W coming to see C alone and how we go to the next step in MC when W is not committed to working on the M. We spent a little time focusing on my personal "issues" towards the end, and where I go from here.

Later that day at work (in the late afternoon), I emailed her this cool news story about Oscar the Cat, who works in a health clinic and predicts when a patient is near death by going in the patient's room the day of passing (so the nurses can contact the family to come down for the last few hours. (Did any of you see this? Oscar the Cat.) W said it was neat, but sad. I agreed. We also exchanged emails about making a donation to a fund for the boy who had drowned at the day camp the week before. Finally, I responded to W's "small world" email from the day before. In the back and forth exchange, I asked about her deal and her closing, her weekend, etc.

A little later W calls me and says she needs to switch the JC session for next Tuesday to Friday, and also asks if I want to see the kids for a few hours tomorrow and, if so, that she will get some work done during that time. I say I will get back to her. Later that night I email her that I will being coffee and donuts by in the morning, after my jog, and then I will go clean up, and then come back to get kids around noon for a few hours. She says that sounds great.

Saturday (7/28):


I sleep a little later the next morning than intended, so I go drop off the donuts and coffee before jogging. W meets me in the hall and says D4 woke up for two hours in the middle of the night, so they are trying to get some more sleep. I say no problem (she was not looking her best at all, BTW). I go see MIL and S7, deliver MIL's coffee and his donuts. They are most pleased. I head out for my jog, some crunches and a few bonus bi/tri exercises. And then W calls to confirm the plan. Uh, it's the exact same plan as I emailed you 12 hours ago. But, of course, I am super cheery and tell her I will be there at noon.

I arrive at the house at noon. The kids are fully engaged in a game, and W is straightening up. I talk to the kids and start to try to build some momentum towards the door and getting lunch, but they aren't ready. So I just hang in D4's room with them for about 45 minutes. I play some, and help W a little when asked. W is kind of hanging around too. I thank her for cleaning up and purging some of the little McD toys and similar stuff our kids always accumulate. W asks me to carry bags of this stuff to the garage. W mentions that they are going to see Simpson's (so much for my idea). The kids ask me if I want to come to the movie too, but I decline and say I don't want to intrude on their time with W. W tells me I am welcome to go too. MIL is going also, and I decide to pass. W and I agree I will be back in about three hours so they can make the show and then go to dinner with MIL. Overall, the 45 minutes of interaction was very friendly.

The kids and I head to one of our favorite lunch places and run into youngest BIL and his wife. They join us for lunch and we have a really nice time. The manager is a friend of ours too, so he hangs for a bit. I ask all of them what is happening tonight, as I might try to latch on, but there are no plans that make sense for me to crash and no overt invites.

The kids and I head back to a local mall to get some monogrammed t-shirts made. While we are there, the kids pick out new backpacks for the upcoming school year. W calls about two hours later and says there is no rush to get home, she is going to take them to the movie tomorrow instead. Once we get home, W is most appreciative that I took the kids and let her work. (She thanked me again several days later.) We chat a bit about miscellaneous stuff, and W says that me and my parents can join them for dinner. (Goal met, I think.) I say I have no idea what my parents are up to and I have some other plans (not really - faux GALing). Again, a little later as I am really leaving, she says "you can come." I ask where they are going, and she answers, and I never really respond and just kind of let it go. I do end up dining with my parents, BTW.

That night I am laying in bed, watching SNL, and youngest BIL and his W call to see if I want to meet them for a few beers. It's about 11 pm. I say I am too tired and in bed, but thanks. I then change my mind, call them back, and head out for some beers. We hang out until closing (2 am), and have a nice long visit. Lots of talk about the sitch (they initiated, and I was very careful about what I said).

Sunday (7/29):

Not much happened today. No contact with W until I called at the end of the day to talk to the kids. I told W I was calling to talk to the kids because I missed them. I got an "Awww." Talk was fine, then off to bed.

Monday (7/30):

My day back in the house with the kids. W called me for something during the day, but I can't remember what. I guess the main point I want to journal is that I didn't contact her, and I have really cut back on emails and phone calls I initiate. We discussed whatever it was briefly and she mentioned she would be likely working late that night and the next, though if she could get away tomorrow night she wanted to go to a Firm recruiting event which was some kind of tennis function. I guess it is good that W volunteered to me that she was going to a recruiting event with her Firm (seeing how this is what had put me in a funk on 7/22 - so I choose to view this as a positive). W didn't have to disclose any details. At the end of the call, I mentioned that the kids and I were meeting my parents at the Chinese Buffet. During dinner, D4 announced that she wants to have her next Bday party at the Chinese Buffet. I thought this was pretty funny, so I sent an email to W sharing this tidbit. She replied a little later "Hilarious. OK"

Tuesday (7/31):

I had another IC session this morning. Recall that W had asked to switch the JC session to Friday. We again discussed a lot of random things, but generally it was more about W and our sitch than about me individually. We left that session with me considering (1) whether to try to take W's temperature on things, (2) whether we should try to see if W wants to come for an individual session and how C could handle the conflicts issues, and (3) what we would do in upcoming joint sessions if W still maintains that she is not working on the M.

That night, I was meeting SuperDad and his kids at the club with my kids for swimming and dinner. W called around 6:15, and said she might meet me and the kids at the club for a bit. She said she had gotten out of work early, but was too tired for the recruiting event. She said she didn't feel well, and wanted to stop by to see the kids because she probably has to work late again the next night and has another recruiting event scheduled for Thursday night (hmmm, more volunteering of activities). I said fine, and told her I was meeting an old friend and his kids that I had caught up with again recently. I explained that he grew up here, but now lives in FL. W expressed reservations, and asked how we could explain our sitch. I just said no worries, we can just say that W came separate from work, and she is leaving separately because she has her own car and is not feeling well. But W declined. She said it was fine, and that she would just go home (to MIL's) to get a good night's sleep.

SuperDad and I and our kids had a good time at the pool and over dinner. Our kids got along well.

Wednesday (8/1):

I got an early, somewhat abrupt voicemail from W as she was driving to work. She sounded tired, and said she need to cancel C on Friday. Too much going on at work. I thought it was odd she called my work number, knowing I was home with the kids. My guess is she thought I would react poorly to her canceling C. I had done this with our old T as I felt she put work over our M. On the rest of the drive in, I was thinking that W may never be able to meet my needs. She may never be the woman I need. This realization was strong, but I was calm, and matter of fact about it. I am willing to try, but she just may not be capable of putting her work aside to make me and the kids feel like the top priority in her life.

W sends me an email that her secretary's mother passed away, and asking if we could send flowers. W called me towards the end of the day to discuss seeing the kids that night (because she has a conflict Thursday night, and the kids and I are going to visit my brother this weekend. I explain that the kids are with my parents, as I have to work late. She says she may go over to see them, and I say that is fine, of course. At her request, I call them to give them a head's up. We also discuss W handling the flower donation for her secretary's mom's funeral. We made a little small talk, and overall the convo was friendly.

I decide to head over to see the kids too before heading back to the office, and try to time it for just before bedtime (thinking W will likely go earlier (right after work). When I get there, I see W's car is still there. Turns out she was there for about 45 minutes, and actually had salad and pizza with my folks and the kids. Our visits probably overlapped about 10 minutes. After I greeted the kids with hugs and kisses, and then greeted W orally, I reached out and rubbed her arm and back a little, but from a safe distance. No response really either positive or negative. W then asks when we are leaving Friday and if we will be downtown, because if we are she'd like to come out to see the kids. I say ok, but I have a meeting (was planning on meeting CVA for a late lunch) so we may not be downtown. As W is leaving and making the rounds (kissing kids, etc.), and it's just the four of us in that room, she initiate a full on hug with me for the first time since we separated. I swear I didn't do anything to provoke it. I was very pleasantly surprised.

Thursday (8/2):

I got up early early this morning and went in to work to get some things done. (Kids were sleeping over at my parents' house.) I responded to an email from Tuesday from W (forwarding a friend's apology for missing S7's Bday). I took a break and went to my parents' house around 8 am to see the kids.

At about 8:30 am, while walking off the parking garage elevator back to my building, W calls my cell. After I answer, she says in an upbeat voice: "Hey, how's it going?" I respond "Great!" (Now my standard answer. ) I ask how she is, and she replies "Good." She says she is calling to tell me that she now has a meeting set for tomorrow afternoon, so don't bother bringing the kids downtown just to see her (if I was going to do it for that reason alone). I wasn't, but it is a little interesting/telling, isn't it, that she thought there was a chance I'd go out of my way to do that - because I always have. I say "um, ok." (See below about her weekend trip - I am curious if she really had a meeting or just decided to get an early start out of town.) I started to wind it up and say bye. Then she says "oh yeah, you're not with kids." Huh? She knew they had a sleep over with my parents. Anyway, I tell her I had gone by to see the kids this morning, and we discuss the sleep over and how spoiled the kids are at my parents' house. We laugh about this a little.

W then asks me for my social security number, saying she needs it in case she needs to talk to the credit card company. We have had joint financial accounts since we have been married, and we use our joint cc for everything. I am the primary holder, only because I opened the account. Because we use it so often, from time to time the cc company puts a freeze on it to verify purchases (if, for example, we are at an outlet mall or on a vacation, spending a lot). One time W called to get a freeze lifted (I was tied up with something), and they wouldn't let her do anything because she is not the "primary holder." I feel certain this contributed to her recent comments to me about getting her own cc, and she also said she wanted to establish her own credit. She has actually had an application for a new card next to her bed for a few weeks (she previous journaling - this had bothered me a little). I told her once or twice (in response when she brought up the topic) that while she was certainly free/welcome to get her on card, I thought it was unnecessary. I said we each are co-debtors on all accounts, and that she has her own credit score and I am sure it is great (and even told her how to get her credit reports for free so she could check). So I am wondering if this request for my social security number means she has decided she doesn't need her own card. Is this a positive baby step? Could be, I guess. Anyway, I gave it to her and we discuss where she could keep it securely. (Anyone have any concern about her asking for my SS number? I have hers, and I don't think it is a big deal. I wonder if she might have needed it in connection with the trip she ended up taking over the weekend (see below).)

Now this IS a little funny to me. On the call with W this morning, W started complaining about how MIL is getting on W's nerves. (Just this morning I was a little upset that MIL spends so many nights at our house when it is W's turn because I worry it prevents W from really seeing what single parenthood could be like though I guess MIL could always be there to help). But when I think these things I usually remind myself how much MIL gets on W's nerves.) I said I didn't realize you two were seeing each other that much (W been has been working late; MIL leaves very early - she's a nurse). W said "we haven't. But when we do see each other, well, you know how she is." Although grinning like a Cheshire Cat, I was a validating/empathizing machine! W also mentions there are AC problems in her end of MIL's house. I tell her she is welcome to stay in the house while we are out of town. She sounds like she will not do this, but I thought she might, which would have been interesting in and of itself. We say good bye. All in all the call was warm & friendly. (Note - no volunteering of info about her weekend trip, though I cannot be sure she had decided to go yet.)

Had lunch with a friend today who gave me some unsolicited (but good) advice on me and W not working too hard, and spending enough time with the kids. He is not aware of the sitch. He also talked about being a participant in or spectator at the events the kids like just because the events are important to the kids. Made me think about a recent comment from W that S7's little league events are really something that I handle. I'm sure S7 will understand why W rarely goes to those. Not.

W called the kids around 6 pm (before I got home) to say goodnight. As we were getting ready to go out for dinner (Italian tonight - yum), W calls and says she is pretty close, and asks if she can stop by to see the kids. I say we're heading out, how close are you? She tells me 5 minutes, but says it's ok if I don't want to wait. I say no problem, we'll wait. Takes more like 10 minutes, but W gets a very quick visit and goodbye for the weekend (hugs and kisses exchanged by W and kids). She also mentions to me she doesn't feel well (just exhausted), and she is blowing off her R event and going home to get some rest. I say good idea, and ask if we can get her anything. She says no thanks. She also tells me she is going into the house for a bit (I guess she thought I might not like that), and I say fine. (My guess now is she is getting some stuff for her trip.) We head out. Mild separation issues between D4 and W (some tears, etc., but not the full blown breakdowns we have had twice in the past). (She later told me she went to the mall for some shopping before going home. Also, wonder what she used for a suitcase for her trip, as we keep those in the attic and she never gets them herself. Hmmmm. See my mind racing around. Thinking about checking the cc statement to see if there are any out of town charges. Nope, gotta let it go.)

Dinner is good, I get the kids down, and get to bed early myself.

Friday (8/3):

No contact with W today at all. I had IC session in the morning, and it was fine. We turned the attention back to me (as opposed to W, our R, and DR efforts). I had started off wanting to talk about some of the issues C and I had discussed the last time or two - namely, W coming alone to see C, where we go with therapy given W is "not working on the M," and whether I should take W's temperature on things (M, R, S, etc.). I had basically decided that no, I needed to be more patient, and to not bring up or try to force any of these things. C asked me to just trust her (I think she was feeling a little of Pusher Nomo, as I walked in with my checklist ). She said "I have dealt with these things hundreds (or was it thousands?) of times."

I got a lunch workout in (after cancelling my personal training session Wednesday, and not doing much Tuesday or Thursday ), so that was good. I left the office about mid-afternoon with my kids for our weekend visit to my brother's house (about 4.5 hours away). We got in kind of late, and went for a late Mexican food dinner that was quite good. It was nice to see my brother and his family - it's been too long. My kids were really pumped to see their older cousins (Nephew 16, Niece 12). Brother and I had a few late night dart games in the garage. We each won one before he chickened out and claimed he was too tired.

Saturday (8/4):

Started the day with a big country breakfast - great sausage, bacon, eggs, toast and fruit. I had a blast just hanging with my kids, my brother and his family. We don't have any pets (W's allergies), so my kids were all over my brother's five dogs, four horses, one parrot and five cats. They have 20 acres in the country, and apparently my SIL and niece just can't say no. In addition to my kids suffocating all the domesticated animals with as much love as they could stand, the kids spent a few hours riding horses, and then we all went swimming at the local country club pool. Later we held a "bon fire," pitched horse shoes, threw washers, and the kids played with glow sticks. The night ended with late night grilling (steaks, hamburgers, veggies, etc.). All in all a great day.

That night (around 7 pm), I debated whether or not to call the W. I was leaning towards not calling her because I have been trying to restrict contact in order to (1) give her time and space and allow her to miss me, (2) to help myself detach more emotionally and prepare to move on in case that is how things turn out, and (3) to let W know that I am letting go and preparing for life on my own. It seems to me that the chances of her re-committing to our M stay pretty low if she perceives me as just waiting at her feet forever. I ended up calling her though because (1) I wanted the kids to have the opportunity to talk to their mother (since they hadn't since Thursday night, and it would be three full days if I waited until Sunday night) and (2) when W was gone with the kids on the Florida vacation, she made a very concerted effort to have the kids call me and I was afraid if I didn't make an effort to reciprocate it might engender some ill will. I first called our house, but there was no answer. I next called MIL's house, and spoke to MIL, who told me that she didn't know where W was. MIL explained that W had left MIL a voicemail Friday morning saying that that W needed to get away for a few days for a break, to clear her head. MIL seemed a little concerned, but I think was trying to reassure me. I'm sure could sense that I was a little concerned or bothered. I asked a few questions, and MIL simply said she didn't know anything. Of course, my mind was racing with worst case scenarios, and I did ask MIL at one point if W went alone or with someone else. MIL just said she didn't know anything. After hanging up, I worried that MIL might relay that little question to W so I called back and said to MIL, "If you don't feel compelled to tell W that I asked you where W was or whether she was alone, I would appreciate it if you don't mention it. It's none of my business and I shouldn't have asked that question." MIL is sympathetic to what is happening, and wants us to get back together, so I don't think she'll tell W. And, they really don't talk much and even less about the sitch. And even if MIL does tell W, I am not too worried about it.

I then called W's cell phone, which went straight to vm. I left a quick message that the kids wanted to say hello. I then sent W an email for her BB, which basically said the same thing. I spent the next 45 minutes or so trying to keep my mind from assuming the worst - that W was spending time with OM. (Thanks to my brother for helping with that.) I did a pretty good job of controlling my emotions, and before too long concluded that while W could be with OM, the more likely explanation was simply what she told MIL - that she did need to get away for some rest, relaxation and to clear her mind. W's work has been really busy and stressful for a few weeks, and perhaps the strain of the S and/or the sitch is taking a toll as well, or at least has W thinking about things. I am not hiding my head in the sand, but rather accepting that (1) I cannot know for sure what W is doing, (2) recognizing that my emotions can get the best of me and trying to control those, (3) realizing that I cannot control W or OM, and (4) realizing that she needs to figure things (including anything going on with OM) out for herself. What helped me get over my fears in about 45 minutes was saying to myself that even if she was with OM, that was good because (1) it might speed up the process of her realizing the grass isn't greener or (2) if she is to be with him, better to let her figure that now and make her move cause I don't want to be with her if she is going to continue to have feelings for him.

It does seem possible that she is struggling with some things. Though not certain, I think the seeds of doubt may be there. I need to at least prepare myself for an upcoming R talk, or maybe some sort of voluntary temperature reading she gives me. I will manage my expectations, of course, but I want to be ready. If she is going to say something, our upcoming JC session (this Wed.) would be a likely time.

Sunday (8/5):

We all slept in and just took it easy this morning, before heading out for the long drive back home. Niece12 came back with us to spend some time with her grandparents, my parents. I did receive an email back from W that said: "Hey, Nomo. Took a last minute trip out of town this weekend when I realized you guys were going to be gone. Was barely holding it together last week - mentally and physically. Needed to get away from work, mom, etc, and clear my mind and get some sleep/relaxation. I will call you guys tonight. I hope you're all having a great time." I responded: "W: Hi! Well, I hope you had a great time, got some rest and feel better. We will talk to you tonight. Be careful coming home. Nomo PS - We did have a blast up here! Kids rode horses, played with cats and dogs to their hearts' content, went swimming at the cc, had a bon fire, played with glow sticks, horse shoes and washers, and basically followed Niece and Nephew around endlessly." I wanted to make sure the picnic sounded good.

Right as we were pulling up to my parents' house (7 pm), W called my cell from her cell. I let it go to vm. She said: "Hey Guys! Just calling to talk to everybody. Call me when you get a chance." or something like that. I can't remember the exact words, but it wasn't just the kids but the three of us collectively. I decided to call back later (as opposed to calling then and inviting her to dinner with all of us). So, went to dinner with kids, niece and my parents. W had also left a vm at home around the same time. It said "Hey Guys! It's me. If I haven't talked to you yet, please give me a call."

Later, back at the house while getting the kids teeth brushed and ready for a shower, W called again (around 9 pm). I let S7 answer, and they talked for a while until W got disconnected. When W called back, I let D4 answer and they talked for a while. Then S7 need to finish his conversation. I was upstairs getting bath towels when S7 came to find me to give me the phone to talk to W. I wasn't sure if W would want to talk to me or if the convo would just end with the kids. Actually, I'm not sure she wanted to talk to me; it could just be that S7 made it happen. We had a friendly, brief chat. Early on, I started to say something to wrap it up, and W extended things. I told her I was getting the kids ready for bed (and had to address them, and corral them several times during the brief call, so it was obvious). I also told her that we had a great time, and I recounted some of the things we did for W. She mentioned that her family is going out to dinner tomorrow night for the youngest BIL's birthday. W said she was sure they wanted me to come too. When I asked her the details and if she had talked to her brother, she said no, she had just talked to MIL. I said, ok, well, "I will wait and see if I get an invite. No big deal either way." I asked W if she was ready for her big move back in to the house, and she laughed a little and said yes. Then there was about 15 seconds of "ums," and "oks," and was we wound it up. I think W was expecting me to ask about her trip (where she had gone, etc. - I am curious), but I had resolved not to ask and I didn't. I suspect this surprised her and she hang on for a bit and gave me plenty of chances to ask. I didn't bring anything up about her or her weekend.

After we hung up, I did regret that I had not said something about hoping she was doing ok or better (given what she had said in her email). My father had suggested that he thought W was kind of reaching out to me for support in the email. Maybe, and I definitely thought it was good that she volunteered her whereabouts (second time since the birthday party mishap). So I called back 15 minutes later and said, "sorry, I was a bit distracted by the kids and all, but I meant to you if you are ok, you know, doing better, feeling better. (I was still determined not to push for any details about weekend get away.) W didn't say she was ok, but she did say she was better. She felt a little more rested. She made some comment about last week just being really tough on her. She seemed genuinely appreciative that I asked how she was doing. I asked if her work deal had closed, and she said yes. I then asked if her work would be better this week and she said yes. So I said well, let me know if you need help this week, because my niece is here too. She said should be fine, but we could all do something so the kids could see niece. I said, well, ok, but it's your week, so whatever you want to do. And I left it at that.

I did leave a little light weight sweatshirt for her on her bathroom counter that I had picked up in San Diego. Part of my little, subtle, once every few weeks attempts to fill her PLL.

To summarize, my suspicions on the trip (I know I need to let this go, and can never get these questions answered, but they are in my head so I will be honest about it and work it out here): where did she go (out of town or not, suitcase), with whom (if anyone), and when did she leave (wondering if this is why she cancelled Fri. am JC session and also if she really had a meeting on Fri afternoon as she claimed or if it is part of her attempt to keep things from me). It does feel like she is hiding something from me, but I am going to let it go for the reasons stated above.

Monday (8/6):

W calls this morning around 10 am. After I answer, she says, very upbeat it seems to me, "Hey! Can I conference in BIL?" So she does and the three of us discuss dinner plans for his birthday tonight. She seemed to need me on the line to discuss if the nanny can get them there at 6:30 pm, or if that really is too late given her hours. I say that I am sure it will be fine, especially since she was late this morning with a dead battery and I took the kids to my parents house. She then asked about how to explain to nanny where to go, and BIL and I talked it through with her. BIL also asks me if that time works with my schedule and I say sure. Then then is some joking between them about which one of them is going to talk to MIL and also an uncle. We all chuckle at this exchange. In the past I would have offered to call the nanny (and maybe even MIL or the uncle - isn't that crazy???), but I stayed quiet this time. Nice little 180 for me not trying to do everything.

After we hung up I called her back a little later to ask about a card/gift for BIL, and she said she just got him a card and some cash from all of us. "Is that ok?" I said "Sure, just checking. Ok, bye." "Bye." Keeping it short and sweet.

When I arrived at BIL's Bday dinner, it was just W, the kids and BIL's inlaws. Neither W nor I knew if they knew of our sitch. We later asked BIL, and he said no. (Of course, I found out later from BIL's W that she had told them - a breach of W's confidence.) The dinner was fine, and it is good I was invited because I am sure that was checked out with W in advance. W seemed a little cold, distant and maybe bothered. I tried not to let it affect how I acted. Oh well, what can I do but keep focusing on me. The crazy part of me thinks that maybe she really did have a weekend with OM, and that is why she seems a little less friendly since we got back in town. Could be me imagining it; can't be sure either way. Trying . . to . . move . . on, but . . it . . is . . TOUGH.

After dinner, and seeing W and the kids off, went out with BIL and W for beers. BIL's wife started talking to me about the sitch some more. (Recall that the three of us talked at length about things about a week ago, and it was fine. But at some point last night, BIL's W basically suggested that she and her divorced mom both had wondered about whether W has an OM. She asked me point blank if I knew of an A or OM, and I said I had wondered about it, but didn't know anything. (Had to lie on that. Just had to.) I asked her if she knew anything and she said no, and said she had not even discussed the possibility with her H (W's brother). She then asked me if I could forgive W for something like that and I said yes. There was a lot more than that, but this is what got me bummed out towards the end of the night. As I noted, it does seem to me that W is likely still having feelings for OM (if not outright contact), and that is a big part of why she is not working on the M.

Tuesday (8/7):

This morning our T calls and asks us to switch from Wed. am to Thurs am for JC. I call W and she says fine, to just let her know for sure which day. I also tell her that I had wanted to ask her if she was okay with all the stuff that had her down last, week, and to offer to help, but I wanted to give her space too. She said I handled it fine/well, and it was no problem. (Suspicious guy is thinking, were you really down or was that just an excuse for this sordid OM trip. )

Later in the days we exchange some emails about D4's teacher leaving the school, paychecks and a toy recall (lead poisoning). W actually called me on the last one and left a vm for me. I sent her some links I found after that. Her voicemail said we could discuss it that night. So, I called home around 6:30 pm, when I knew she'd be getting there, to see what they were doing for dinner, thinking we could grab a bite together. She said, "oh, the kids have already eaten (I guessed as much), and I'll just get something here." Shouldn't have pushed it. I then visit with D4 for like 30 minutes about spelling words and writing a grocery list. S7 is mis-behaving and can't talk right now. After W gets back on the phone, I tease her about leaving me on with D4 for half an hour. We share a little laugh about that. Last note, W has not yet mentioned the little shirt I left her yesterday from San Diego. Probably slipped her mind is my guess.

Thanks for listening,
Nomo

[dlt1]

Hey Nomo, you've got a lot of good things going here. I'm sure putting thoughts of possible OM out of your mide is hard. Keep at it, nothing you can do either way.
Way to 180 out of taking care fo everything and not inquiring about W's trip. I think you're doing well.

[ItsKat]

Thanks for sharing all of that!

I know the OM stuff is really tough, but you are doing great at not letting it consume you. It is good how you handled your W's trip too. I had to do the same when my H took a trip out of town about a month ago, supposedly by himself. I didn't let myself ask questions about it and that helped because, since I didn't talk or think about it much, it was almost as if the trip didn't happen in my mind. Yay!

[Nomopo]

Thanks dlt1 - hadn't thought of that as a 180, but you're right, and I like it. Plus, it follows up on previous comments that I made to her that I was working on not asking, and trusting her, so she is probablly watching (maybe testing) closely.

Hi Kat! I have been thinking about the OM deal and specifically W's weekend trip, and I am at a much much better place today (thank you Sunny!). I will post some thoughts conclusions on the whole deal later. Got to get some work done now.

Had a great breakfast visit with CVA this morning. You're doing great brother! Keep it up! And thanks for all your help to me too.

Nomo

[Not Much Left]

Nomo
Thanks for breakfast, OK, OK, you are a SUPER GOOD LOOKING GUY! HOWS THAT!!! Ego boost for the day!

[Nomopo]

Well, don't take this the wrong way, but it would mean more if YOU were better looking!




LOL . . . jk.

[Not Much Left]

Low blow!

[Nomopo]

(((((CVA)))))

[slowly]

Nomo - I wish I could afford you as a note taker, what an incredible journal

A little later, when W is ready to leave, she comes into the bedroom, with D4 on her back, and asks me for the umbrella. I say, "Oh, do you want the golf umbrella?" and start to head to the garage. She says "no, just a regular one." I say, "oh, ok, well those are in the entry way closet" as they always are. And I keep getting ready just assuming she will get it herself. She sort of looks at me, maybe a little annoyed or disappointed, and she says "I may need your help." Guessing this is because D4 is on her piggyback, I say "oh, ok, sorry" and go get it. No biggie, but just felt a little strange at the time.

This type of exchange, the coffee routine suggest Acts of Service are an important LL for her. LLs are strange, those that are not important to us can be hard to understand. Personally, growing up as a single child, I'm more than a little independent and cannot understand acts of service. But my H has the same needs, and it is still a conscious effort to pause, see things from his perspective and respond as necessary.

I'm sorry about the funk during S7's birthday party. As painful as they are, I think they are a necessary part of this journey. We often think of growth as gentle and gradual, when in fact sometimes it is more like a metamorphosis (which may have contributed to the Imago brand choice, btw). It is interesting that you have now gotten to a point where you are questioning if W will in fact ever be able to fulfil the needs of your kids and you. It is a healthy place to be.

I'm so envious of your real life get togethers with dbers! And yes, Oscar the Cat was all over the news, even here in Singapore

W sends me an email that her secretary's mother passed away, and asking if we could send flowers.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way, but I find her approach to this quite insane. Granted, with some folks, you would want to maintain a united front. But she has insisted on a separation, for goodness' sake, why would it be necessary to send flowers jointly? This may be an incident worth exploring - her motivation, instincts etc

One time W called to get a freeze lifted (I was tied up with something), and they wouldn't let her do anything because she is not the "primary holder." I feel certain this contributed to her recent comments to me about getting her own cc, and she also said she wanted to establish her own credit. She has actually had an application for a new card next to her bed for a few weeks (she previous journaling - this had bothered me a little).

This is not an uncommon story, from both perspectives. I suspect something happens as we(working women) approach our late thirties and start feeling vulnerable from a financial perspective. Yours truly is on a campaign to have more independence, and like you, NG is disturbed. For me at least, it has nothing to do with him, or what I plan to do (nothing, actually). I suspect it is the same for your W?


Time to update those goals? Slowly