It's going to be a bumpy ride

[MaxP]

I moved the furniture around in the bedroom. The best set up was how it was, but I will be damned if I am going to keep it how it was.

That's funny. If I did that in any room of the house my W would go balistic! Like you, I know that the rooms are actually arranged in the best layout (except for the study), so it would be counter-productive in other senses.

I have no plans to repaint or anything since ultimately it isn't my house, but I am switching the comforter cover and removing a lot of the decorations.

Would you like to repaint? Is the house in his name? How long is his lease for? Painting is relatively quick and easy to reverse.

Hope you're finding things to do.

Max

[SallyM]

the first thing I did when H moved out was start rearranging furniture. I re-did the living room and just switched some more stuff around last week, shifting stuff to different rooms even. He hates everything I've done, I can tell, but its funny, everyone that has come by has loved it.

I have yet to do my bedroom, mainly because I can't figure out how I could do it even close to differently, plus there are some really heavy bookcases that I would have to shift and its more than is in me.

what I would like to do is buy new bedroom furniture and definitely a new bedding set. but the furniture needs to wait, and the bedding, well, I just need to find something I like. but both of those things will come in time. think I'm going to look for some bedding this week...maybe some new stuff has come in that looks good.

anyway, not about me, hope you are okay, and stay strong, keep making your home your own. tuck the pillowcase away but I agree, don't build a shrine around it. I understand that one, btw. when I was in nyc H stayed here with the kids, and I slept on his side of the bed the first night, just to feel close to him. how sad is that? took me a week to wash the sheets, but was fine once I did.

when this first happened, a friend suggested I take a shirt, a favorite piece of clothing I loved of his, and tuck it away. nothing wrong with doing that if you need the reminder of what you are working toward, or just the comfort of the familiar. of course, the same friend suggested that I take a favorite clothing item of his and burn it, shred it, destroy it in mean and evil ways. lol. both of those things sound good to me. it can be anything...can be that pillowcase, even. for me it was a shirt because he has great shoulders/arms and I love how he looks in certain things, love how I feel wrapped in him. I don't obsess about it, I just have it tucked away...its there if I need it. god, this sounds sad, all typed out. lol. but I suppose I've done it my whole life, the shirt thing. I still have a shirt my college boyfriend loved, just found it the other week when I was going thru an old box of stuff.

wow, really babbling here. I'll stop now, not sure I'm even making sense.

[Trixi]

Would you like to repaint? Is the house in his name? How long is his lease for? Painting is relatively quick and easy to reverse.

It is both of ours' house, but I can't afford the mortgage, which means whichever way this turns out, he's coming back-in 6 months or less. For the most part, I like the paint colors in the bedroom(1 super dark red wall and the rest are sort of a brown mustardy color-we had a designer help us with color selections). If it were TOTALLY my house (forever) then I might go with a sage green or a camel brown.

I did pack up all of his stuff that was in the shower and by 'his' sink. There is no need for me to have it and it takes up valuable caddy real estate.

Morgan- I like your friend! She sounds like a hoot! and thank you for not making me feel like a total freak for not wanting to wash the pillow cases (yet). I wish bedding sets weren't so freaking expensive. Something we already agreed on was that I would get the bed he is using (queen size) and he would get the bed that I am currently using (king size), so I don't want to drop $200-250 on a set that I won't be taking with me.

I had a dream last night about a my H and a friend (very cute co-worker) of his from work. IRL, this friend would always "babysit" me at company functions while my H went and worked the room and basically left me to fend for myself. In the dream, once again, it was CW(co-worker) with me. There was a natural disaster on the horizon and H was off doing who knows what. CW and I (and somehow my mom ended up there) were trying to find safety and while doing that we talked some. He said that H has always fancied himself too much for just one woman. That H is crazy for leaving. We did continue to try to reach H, but he would just flit by and be gone. CW was tender and caring and never left. My mom, (who never really cares for the guys I like) gave him a huge thumbs up.

What was my point in sharing the dream? I guess it gave me some hope (albeit from my own head) that there could be someone else out there who would really REALLY care for me and not string me on; someone who would stand by me. Would I love it to be my H? Absolutely! But, he has been acting this way for so long, I don't know if he can find another way to 'be' with me.

Onward and upward- more sorting, cleaning and rearranging to do today.

[SallyM]

my problem with the bedding is choosing something...I don't want to go too feminine, but then again, I should be able to go a little feminine at the same time...after all, its just me. I mean, I'm not looking for big flowers or the like, but at the same time, for 13 years I've been making sure things are fine for a guy, too. time to think of myself and what I think is pretty.

hmmmm....interesting dream. of course, my therapist would add that you need to get to a place that you don't need anyone but yourself. but the truth of the matter is, yes, standing on one's own two feet is important, but at the same time, there is something very nice about having a life partner. and finding what you were looking for in your dream, someone who would really care for your and not string you along is very nice. the hard part is going to be allowing it/having faith again.

never in my life have I been cheated on or treated like H has treated me. I think that is what is so shocking for me, that anyone would treat me this way, let alone the man I love/trust more than any other in this world. so will we be able to someday have that faith/trust in another man, should our marraiges fail? will be interesting to find out...will be interesting to find out not only if it is possible, but also what it will take for us to get there. not to mention, I've been treated so shabbily by H for a while now, it will be weird to be treated well again.

who knows what the future will bring.. in the meantime, sorting, cleaning, and rearranging is really therapeutic. and it does help us focus on ourselves, rather than our spouse. its about what we like, what works for us, without taking another into consideration.

good luck, and enjoy!

[Trixi]

hmmmm....interesting dream. of course, my therapist would add that you need to get to a place that you don't need anyone but yourself. but the truth of the matter is, yes, standing on one's own two feet is important,

Yes, indeed. I am reading a book on abandonment that says this time period is a good time for us (those left) to get in touch with our most basic desire to bond--and bond with ourselves. That without the pain of separating, this basic desire fades into the background.

but at the same time, there is something very nice about having a life partner. and finding what you were looking for in your dream, someone who would really care for your and not string you along is very nice. the hard part is going to be allowing it/having faith again.

I am sure that I *can* survive on my own-it's just not what I ultimately want for my life. Kind of like, I can live without having any pets, but that isn't what I want for my life. (that's a terrible analogy, but you get the gist.)

never in my life have I been cheated on or treated like H has treated me. I think that is what is so shocking for me, that anyone would treat me this way, let alone the man I love/trust more than any other in this world. so will we be able to someday have that faith/trust in another man, should our marraiges fail? will be interesting to find out...will be interesting to find out not only if it is possible, but also what it will take for us to get there. not to mention, I've been treated so shabbily by H for a while now, it will be weird to be treated well again.

Yeah, I hear that. I think I would need to be eased into it; at this point I think I might feel smothered if someone was attentive/caring/consistent--how horrible is that?? I have a lot of work to do. If my H all of a sudden starting being really nice and consistent- I would totally be skeptical and leery. I think it's because at this point he has been so back and forth that I would be afraid it wouldn't last (as usual.)

1 year ago we were talking about renewing our vows for our 10 year anniversary. That he had realized that I was a wonderful woman, that he was very lucky, that he felt like a jerk for how he had treated me before; it was"epic" (to use his term.) He was constantly snuggly. It was great. Too bad it didn't last. On and off he has been like this. He would always say "see, we always end up back here [at the negative]" Of course, I could retort that we always end up with him feeling in love, too.

[SallyM]

1 year ago we were talking about renewing our vows for our 10 year anniversary. That he had realized that I was a wonderful woman, that he was very lucky,

trust me, I hear you on that. a little over a year ago, while we were having sex, my husband told me that he was so lucky that he gets to be with me for the rest of his life...literally, that he gets to have me. I remember actually freezing, and tearing up a little...meant a lot to hear after (then) 12 years together. I mean, after 12 years, most of the newness has worn off, ya know? to hear that meant the world to me. that's why finding us where we are now is so shocking to me.

our 10th anniversary is in october. I'm already thinking about what I'll do for it...I need to do something to mark the day, even if he doesn't care about it. probably will do something special with my kids, to remind me of what good came out of our marriage.

[Trixi]

I am feeling SOOOOOO ambivalent right now.

I started recalling all the stuff he has done;

Like going out til 3-4am with no call.(probably once every couple of months). REFUSING to agree to call. (I am not saying I was cool with him going out; I wasn't. I felt like I was compromising in requesting a call.)

Once being gone until 11am the following day without a call.

Buying a mustang without telling me first. (Found out from the neighbor)

Buying an old mustang where I said no.no.no.no.lender said it wouldn't affect us.no.no.no.no.no.no.no -and using the one "semi-yes" as the reason why he was getting it. "You can't change your mind like that!" HUH?

Buying many other things thru the years without previous discussion and refusing to take them back.

Going on trips without me and not calling.

Leaving me by myself at his work parties.

When his friend came here from out of town and we were working on fixing up our old house to rent, he refused to do ANY work, got mad at me and spent the night in the hotel with his friend. (Crappy friend for not at least offering to help do a little painting or something. My H drank non-stop while the friend was here. Friend ended up with DUI.)

Thinks that it's "bad" that I don't get crazy/silly drunk.

Telling me how he is "afraid he'll cheat" if he is a singer in a band. (Which is what he wants to be.)

Refusing to wear his ring for YEARS.

Has been waffling for a long time.

Flirting in bars. (His admission.)

An online EA. He did meet her once. (His admission)

Not setting boundaries when his ex wife would call at midnight; or call me names or whatever.

And that is stuff from the past--
Recent history:
flaunting going out and staying out late.
using me for sex. (Yes, I let him.Dumb me.)
dawdling in his move out.
refusing to not date other women during our separation.
refusing to agree to absolutely no sexual contact w/an outsider during separation.

Makes him seem horrible. The ambivalence comes from the good in him-
He's smart, talented, attractive, pretty insightful, loves animals and kids, affectionate, supportive of my dreams, artistic, handyman, excellent in the bedroom, enjoys same entertainment as I do, can be VERY loving,physically faithful (to this point).

But when I think about the sort of relationship I want to have, I am having a hard time picturing HIM being able to do it. My experience has become so tainted that I fear I would always be waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall. But then, what of the vows made before God and everybody? Do I really just cast them aside like yesterday's newspaper?

[MikeinMidland2]

"Supportive of your dreams" --you mean the dream where you have a husband that treats you with respect?

Just for the record, HE is the one who is casting aside his vows. What you need to do is recognize that those vows cannot stand forever on one side only.

[Trixi]

"Supportive of your dreams" --you mean the dream where you have a husband that treats you with respect?

Heh. Well, with the exception of *that* dream.....

Just for the record, HE is the one who is casting aside his vows. What you need to do is recognize that those vows cannot stand forever on one side only.

yeah, okay. I see that.

On the 'other' board, this was posted by the 'Man' himself. (Benefit of going to MB weekend).

"From my perspective, a date from a husband who is "dating" others would run the risk of being emotionally catastrophic for you. It's his suggestion that you do such a thing that makes me wonder if he's not borderline sociopathic. It's downright cruel.

Your best bet right now is to sit tight in Plan B and wait for the fog to clear. My most optimistic assumption is that your husband has been having affairs during most of your married life, and he's in one now that has captivated him. When the affair is over, he may come clean and explain to you what's been happening all along. If that really hasn't happened, and he really does want to compare you with other women he dates, I'd strongly encourage you to end your marriage, in spite of the negative ramifications. Marriage should be a relationship of extraordinary care, and for your husband to leave you at a time that he has a clear mind is evidence that he's your worst enemy. He's using you, not caring for you."

How's THAT for a 2x4? Admittedly, the other board definitely has a different approach when it comes to saving marriages and can sometimes seem rigid. But, even if I tone down his comments, they are still pretty harsh.

[MikeinMidland2]

This says pretty clearly what I have been trying to convey to you for weeks.

He has used you for sex. He used you to raise his kid. I'm guessing that he may be pretty fond of you in some sense, but he is not a proper husband.