And how do you think he feels? Can you empathize if he thinks he's responsible for your unhappiness?
I suspect he feels the same way. It occurs to me that he is playing the parentification role as much as I am. He could never make his father happy any more than I could make my mother happy. So we got together believing that we were responsible for making the other happy, when the reality is that we can only make ourselves happy.
I know he has been extremely frustrated with me in the past because as he sees it, no matter what is going on in our lives, I'm unhappy with something, and I he assumes that I'm unhappy with him.
But I'm not unhappy with him, I'm unhappy with ME. I am sometimes uphappy with things he does, but I am not unhappy with HIM, who he is, the person he is. But he assumes that I am unhappy with who he is at the core because he believed that his father was unhappy with who he is at the core. The same is true of me and my mother.
I also have a tendency to just run my mouth on autopilot, so my complaints, thoughts, observations, etc. just come out. I tend to make observations sound like complaints. He hears a complaint and feels he needs to DO something. Often times I'm not expecting or needing him to do anything other than listen. Mostly I just want someone to listen.
I always end up thinking that he doesn't talk to me because he doesn't want to talk to ME.
And again can you understand that he might have the same feeling, that you don't want to make love to him because of how you feel about him?
Yes I can totally see it, sitting here calmly and pondering. Honestly, I'd say that when I'm with him, I'm too focused on my own reactions, or maybe even what I anticipate or expect will happen, to be able to step back and put myself in his shoes. And I'd guess that the same thing happens to him.
I just don't know how to stop the emotion long enough to be even the slightest bit objective or empathetic.
