Need advice on WAW with OM

[cliffy]

I have just had the opportunity to read through your sitch. One thing that you mentioned kind of stuck out at me.
"It takes a lot of courage to put up with this and basically put your life on hold while your WAS decides."
You are right it does take a lot of courage, patience and positive visualization. I have been at this a little longer than some and not as long as others. I ask myself on a regular basis, if I am ready to throw in the towel. But as long as I have hesitation in this, I will keep on keeping on.
However, I don't think anyone should put there life on hold. We should be out doing things (GAL) and working on ourselves (PMA). But doing them in a way that we don't consider to be against our marriage, ie having an affair. I do a bunch of stuff for myself, and it has helped. I have been approached by women who have heard I am seperated, which we are still living in the same house and no d has been threatened, and I kindly decline. It is a great PMA booster to be thought of like this, but I don't want to add the final nail in the coffin that way.
I understand that the OM issue is a toughy. I have decided to be patient with my w with regards to this, however I think it best not to dwell on it. I try to take advantage of our time together. This is not an easy answer, each of us is different. I know a bunch who have issued the ultimatum, "i will not be part of your life until OM is gone or I love you enough to let you go" Any way you slice it, it comes down to your comfort zone and "deal breaker". I chose not to see it as this, and have had to dig deep for patience through the sitch. If I were to go back in time, I ask myself if I would do it again. Depends on the day as to how I answer.
Look deep inside and determine if you are ready for the long haul, I don't think any of us actually think it will take as long as it does. It is easier to show patience, than have to go back on ultimatums. If you are willing to give up your M based on this, then by all means take that route.
Sorry such a long post, but I have a tough time getting things from my head to keyboard short and sweet.
Good luck, and hope some of this is helpful.

[svejk]

As I mentioned earlier in my thread, I am taking a little vacation next week and I asked my wife if she could watch my dogs while I am out of town.

I was hoping to get some kind of reaction/curiosity out of her since I did not elaborate on my plans at all. I guess I was a little too optimistic... her only reaction was "no problem."

Although there was no outward sign of any concern/curiosity, hopefully she is thinking about what I'm up to.

I wonder how long I should wait for her to show some kind of reaction to the LRT before I should contact her or if I should contact her at all? She usually contacts me every few days, but if she doesn't I don't want to lose contact with her altogether.

As you can see by my posts I'm very confused and back and forth about whether I should put up with the OM and see what happens or if I should confront her and end it. My attitude about that changes from hour to hour. When I think about what a terrific lady she is I want to keep trying, but when I think about her with the OM I want to end the relationship and my suffering so I go on with my life.

Svejk

[cliffy]

I can certainly understand the back and forth nature of this, unfortunately it is the way it goes. It is great you have come here to sort these things out. It's about sorting out what is best for you, when you determine this there may be a chance at a M and maybe not. The crappy thing is, we each have to determine this. We are responsible for our own happiness, not anyone else.

[svejk]

Cliffy,

Thanks for you comments. My comment about putting life on hold until your WAS decides is how I feel at the moment because even though I am implementing GAL I am still constantly thinking about her and cannot enjoy any activity. Hopefully it will get easier to enjoy the things I used to before the separation. From your comments it sounds like if I keep up GAL and PMA it will gradually improve. But right now I'm just going through the motions. In the last couple weeks I have resumed all my leisure activities (golf, ice hockey, mtn. biking, exercising, poker) after a 2-3 months of basically doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself. I still have a hard time believing that my life in limbo will be enjoyable as it was before separation, until my marriage is resolved one way or the other. I guess time will tell, so I will keep trying until I've had enough.

Thanks,
Svejk

[cliffy]

Trust me, limbo sucks! But being able to focus on things you enjoy does certainly help, heck there are still times I go through the motions and wish W was there. In the end most of the time I am having fun and need the mental vacation.
Sorry you did not get the response you were looking for from W! I am sure she is curious and sees. One of the hardest things is to have no expectations. If you see positive motion, determine how you got that response, accept the baby step and keep moving on for yourself.
From experience, I can tell you not to get to wrapped up when the positives string together. Been there, done that and when W retreated again, I was left feeling the pain all over. Stay consistant and keep working on the things you can control, w is not one of these.
It does get easier, but there are times you get gut checks and it hurts like he!!. Just try not to let yourself get out of your "happy place" for long periods again.
One exercise that someone told me when I first started was to journal. Then go back and write about the same thing, focusing on the postive. How does each make you feel? Which was easier? Try it and see what you come up with.

[svejk]

Cliffy,

Thanks again for your response. Great advice! I think the journal idea will help tremendously. Just writing on my thread here has been very helpful and has kept me from going crazy and contacting my wife when I'm feeling down. I only wish I had started reading and writing on this thread 6 months ago. I think my relationship would be in a much better place at this point if I had. I've made many mistakes, but no use crying over spilt milk. Hopefully I'm not too late.

I am certainly familiar with the ups and downs of my wife retreating after I thought we were almost back together. It's happened too many times to count in the last few months. I've already learned to try and take my wife's comments with a grain of salt, but it's still painful anyway.

It's extra difficult for me to listen to my wife's comments because I am an Engineer and I think very logically (up until the last couple months) and usually my comments are well thought out and when I finally say something I mean it. But my wife blurts out how she feels at the moment without thinking it through and I've found she usually doesn't really mean what she says. I'm not mad at her for this or complaining about her. It's just the way she is. But it's frustrating because I can never figure her out, and I've given up trying. I guess once I get a consistent message for a long period of time from her, I can start to trust the message.

Another thing I've learned not to do is talk to mutual friends or her family members about our relationship. They think they are helping me by talking to her, but invariably it makes her angry at me and pushes her even further away. It makes it difficult because we've been together so long that my friends are her friends also. Thankfully I can vent and get advice on this site.

I just found out that my best friend is planning on meeting my wife for lunch. I think this is a bad idea. I've asked him not to mention our relationship or try and talk her into something, but after seeing me so hurt he is dead set on talking to her. He wants to ask her whether or not she wants to have anything to do with me or not. He thinks I need to get an answer one way or the other and not wait for her to make up her mind. I've tried explaining that it's not that easy, and that fixing our relationship takes time and is not that clearcut. I don't think he understands. I don't think I can stop him from talking to her. Any advice on this situation?

Thanks,
Svejk

[cliffy]

I understand your friends "need" to help, but I strongly discourage it. Most of my issues have arouse from other people's "need" to help, as well. You and your W are the only ones who need to deal with this.
I am afraid you W will look at this as a way for you to control the sitch.
I would politely ask him to cancel the lunch. Like your w, you cannot control his choice, but I would certainly make it clear that you are uncomfortable with him trying to get answers for you.

[Heimlich]

Cliff/Svejk,
Would it make sense, if your friend won't cancel, to tell your W that you DON'T want your friend talking to her? Of course, as your friend, he should listen to you, but just in case he doesn an end around . . .

BD

[svejk]

My wife is actually the person who told me about the meeting my best friend set up with her. I've already told her that I had nothing to do with it and that I thought it was a bad idea to have our friends try to interfere in our relationship. I also told her that any decision on our relationship should be strictly between us and that I trust her reasoning/judgment won't allow her to be influenced by anything other people say. She basically agreed with me and she's not worried about anything my friend has to say. So I guess the meeting is going forward and I've done all I can to try and stop it.

[Heimlich]

Cool. Just didn't want you to get blamed for something not your fault
BD