Like we never loved before 4

[bright 2 morro]

Bam
Thank you for your kind words. I know there is another side to where I am. Things were going so well here with him here and then he flipped again. It is almost as if we are starting over.

He loves me and cares about me but wants nothing more with me. He actually still tells me he loves me but he can not live with me. I have to remember that it has nothing to do with me. That he is going through some bad depression issues and it is about him.

I know that it would be better for him to try to be on his own. That he may still come back when he realizes again that the grass is not greener on the other side. But that does not make it any easier.

I guess I see it as he is still searching and nothing is making him happy. I cry and am sad also because I hate to see him so sad and unhappy.

Everything he talks about wanting is right here in front of his face and he can not see it.

Mimi

[Cinderellaman]

Hi sweety...I'm so sorry you're feeling so down (((((hugs))))))

Are you feeling this way because of all the doubts and troubles with H, or is there more going on ? Say, with YOU?
I know it's horribly hard to live with them at home...I had mine home after the bomb for 7 months and I was walking on eggshells ! I was happy he was here, yet emotionally TIRED of him being here !

I agree with Patti that he is nowhere near 'baked' these things take an awful lot of time I'm afraid....

I have been struggling with the timeline too ! RCR posted a great and encouraging post to me yesterday, read it if you get the chance !

I hope the AD's kick in, I think they may help you stabilize !

We're all here for you sweety and feel free to come and cry, vent, laugh, giggle, scream ! It HELPS !

Take care xxxx

[Cinderellaman]

Everything he talks about wanting is right here in front of his face and he can not see it.

You're RIGHT, and no matter WHAT you do or say, He WON'T see it until he's done, until the fog lifts !!! I agree with Bam, it's time for YOU ! To find peace, happiness, joy and pleasure !!! When he's done he will probably be back, rest your faith in that, but LIVE, ENJOY, LAUGH, LOVE, IMAGINE, HAVE FUN, CRY, SCREAM, GIGGLE........all for you and your kids !!!!! YOu can make this the BEST time ever ! YOu can, if you just believe !!!!

[bambam1970]

Take your time, Mimi. There is no reward for making a decision first!

Let yourself grieve the loss. Let yourself feel angry, sad, pity, confusion and any other emotion that pops into your head/heart. That is the only way to move forward and heal.

This is about YOU now, Sweets! Yes, it can be all about you and not all about him!

Hope your day goes well!

[bright 2 morro]

Are you feeling this way because of all the doubts and troubles with H, or is there more going on ? Say, with YOU?

I think it is both. I am sad about H and have doubts. There are other things that came up over the last few weeks as well. And they just brought me down. Some are more personal than others. But it just seems like no matter how I try to change things in my life bad things keep happening to me. Things that are unexplained as to even why they are happening.

I think some of this comes from about 2 weeks ago my H said he was not going anywhere, he was ready to make the marriage work and then two days later he was back to the same old crap.

Then it has gone down hill from there.

Mimi

[a new 2moro]

You know the confusion is a good sign. Its extremely wearing on us. Its a sign they are seeing some good in what was.....H's friend saw the confusion in my H about the divorce, he went to work on him to push him towards saving the M.

[Cinderellaman]

Right, so what you need now is to know that it WILL look up for you !!!! These days pass...I know at the moment you can't see that, but I am out of the darkness again and I feel HOPE again !!

Trust that you will get through ....trust that God will work on your H, whether he's home or he' not !

Let him go, I know how hard this is, but when my H left, I knew that this was part of the path he was going to take, that if he didn't take this path, he couldn't be with me, it was something that just needed to happen. I did of course at the time hope that he'd be home MUCH sooner, but now God is directing this and only HE knows when and if H is coming home !

In the mean time it's good do find ourselves, to learn to enjoy life again, just because WE like something....we need to hear ourselves laughing out loud, screaming out loud, crying out loud....we need to learn to live again - so we heal and become strong for the day that our spouse returns, because as many have mentioned, they come back broken and torn....and we NEED to be strong to succeed then !

Take care sweety !

[Cinderellaman]

You know the confusion is a good sign. Its extremely wearing on us. Its a sign they are seeing some good in what was.....H's friend saw the confusion in my H about the divorce, he went to work on him to push him towards saving the M.

Can that friend fly over and talk to my H ????? (wink wink)

[Nature Girl]

Mimi - so sorry to hear this latest development.

We are here for you always!

N2M - that friend can come my way after visiting Cinders' H!!! (another wink)

[bright 2 morro]

Thank you all for the support.

Yesterday evening he spewed at me again. I was finally able to stand firm and solid against him.

When he was a work and called me to see how I was we talked about how I took the kids to Chilis for lunch and bought them the TMNT movie. The kids were sad because my IL's left yesterday and that is understandable. So I took them to lunch and got them a movie. Well that mad him mad because of the financial situation. I hardly ever spend money on anything that is not considered a necessity. The day before he went on his business trip he bought them each a toy and then when he came home he bought them another one. But that was ok because the one before was because they were sad that he was running out at night and not spending time with them and the other one was because he was away.

So he feels it is ok for him to buy things and spend money but goodness if I do. And I bought one movie for them to share. So this started a fight about custody and him telling me I was a bad mother and all kinds of other crap.

After I made dinner for the kids I took the boys outside to play. Now earlier in the day he told me he would watch the kids while I went to do groceries. So he came outside and told me he was going to take our D to the movies. I asked him when because I still had to do groceries. He went off on me and told me that I had all day to do groceries. So I nicely reminded him that he told me he would watch the kids if I wanted to do them at night. So he was mad and screamed at me to just go. So I said ok and got me keys and purse and went to my car. My S3 wanted to go with me so I took him. Then my H said he was going to take the other two to a movie. I told him that I did not think the movie was appropiate for our S5 and he said well I am taking him anyway. So I said ok do what you think is best, but I do not think it would be a good thing.

Anyway, I think I finally am able to detach for a while. So off I went to the grocery store.

This is funny:
There was an issue before about how long it took to go shopping. So our C told me to just let him know how long I would be gone.
So I called him on the phone as soon as I left.

Me"Oh, I forgot to tell you I would be about 2-2 1/2 hours"
Him "Pi$$ off" click of phone.

So I called him back.
Me "I think I may have hit a bad spot and lost the call, I just wanted to let you know I would be gone 2-2 1/2 Hours"

Him "I do not care, do what you want" In a mean tone.
Then he went into the movie again. I told him that I do not agree but he should be able to do what is best for the kids.
Then I hung up.


Well, he called me again at the store and I kept the same posture and did not let his hanging up bug me. He hung up on me once and then within minutes called me back.

Then he took the kids to the movie and when he came home he wanted to talk to me. He was back to being nice and telling me he does not want to hurt me and he hates that this does hurt me. I just remained strong and agreed with him.

He did not like this.

I have to go because I am having a phone session with my Insurance. They have a new depression hotline that is like a having a session with a C.

Mimi