Like we never loved before 4

[MissH]

Mimi, I am sorry you are hurting and I am sorry you had to listen to spew from your H.

IMO, I think your H came back way too early. The replay stage is the longest of the stage and I don't think your H is done with it.

I am not saying he is, but please don't be surprised if he is with the ow again. I'm sorry, I don't mean to imply he is but I don't want you to be shocked if he is. Replay is all about them. It's the selfish stage and they do a lot of lying. It's hard to tell when they are telling the truth and that is why we usually say around here "if their mouth is open, they are lying". He is not the H you know of. He is an alien right now.

You are right, you need to start focusing on you now. I need to take the same advice.

I will try and call you if I get a chance today.

((((((hugs)))))

[HalfMissing]

The seperate holidays and vacations. That is all me being a part time mom.

I don't even want to think about holidays. When you are a mom, all you do on holidays is to do things for the children. But many of those traditions happen on other dates, like baking cookies or trimming the tree. I think what we need to keep in mind is that a date is just a date. For example, we can still celebrate Thanksgiving but do it on that Friday or whenever we do have them that year. You can have a traditional favorite of the family instead of turkey if you want too. You can make new traditions to fit your new life.

I know it is so much harder when the kids are younger than mine are. Yours are at the age when they still want to spend so much time with you. Right now I look forward to my time alone to catch up on all those chores and do some shopping without them. It was really hard the first couple of months but now it is getting better.

Surprisingly, my children spend more time with H now than when he was at home. He is now forced to be with them. So some good came out of this mess.

[bright 2 morro]

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading, that is why I have not been on. I have had to come out of some pretty bad anxiety issues. I think I am getting better for now, but not sure.

We had a joint C session yesterday. He swore to me that he was not with the other women and that he can not be with her. I finally got to talk to him about how I felt in the office and I think he really listened. He also got to tell me how he felt and I listened to him.

He told me that he cared about me and even loved me but he needs to be happy. How can you love someone and care about someone and not want them in your life? That is something I do not get.

He took me out to dinner last night after our session. He mentioned that he may have to move out again. Wow, what a surprise. This search for happiness is getting really old. He was not happy with me, thought he needed to be with someone else, not happy with her, thought it was because he needed to be with the kids, not happy being with the kids. When does this search ever end?

I am begining to hate him.

Mimi

[butterflymom]

This search for happiness is getting really old. He was not happy with me, thought he needed to be with someone else, not happy with her, thought it was because he needed to be with the kids, not happy being with the kids. When does this search ever end?


Mimi

It ends when it ends and unfortunately no one has come up with a better answer than that. It ends when he really starts facing his issues instead of just sort of facing them (my H sort of faced his, but not nearly enough to REALLY face them). I personally think my H faced the WRONG issues when he came back, and yours may have to.

My H faced his guilt issues over what he was doing to his family. Faced guilt issues about not being with his kids every night. Faced guilt issues that he hadn't really given our marriage a chance. He even faced guilt issues about spending too much time at work prior to the bomb. Those weren't the issues that are driving this train though. They are deeper and until these guys (or gals) or ready to face those deeper issues then they will continue to search for happiness in all the wrong places.

It sucks. We can't make them realize it either. Their thoughts are real to them. THey think they know what is making them unhappy and they know how to fix it. They have to take this journey on their own and realize on their own that it doesn't work.

Look at my H - left to be with OW because he wasn't happy at home. 3 weeks into being with her he almost commits suicide. Does that sound like his move made him happier???

Sometimes you just want to hit them over the head with a brick and hope when they wake up their mind will be right again, but it won't work.

Just hang in there. Unfortunately your H isn't done yet.

BFM

[Nature Girl]

Hi mimi,

Not much advise from me (everyone else covered everything that I would say), except get out and do something for yourself. Iknow it is hard with the little ones, but you do need to do something just for you! Hopefully it will help with the down and anxious feelings (I am also going through those right now).

Something positive with your sitch is that you guys are talking and going to C - so at least you know where his current head is. Hard to hear what he says sometimes, but would you rather not know at all what he is thinking?

[bright 2 morro]

I know this is so true, all of it. I just want to slap him and tell him to grow up and see what is really going on. He says he wishes he could just snap his fingers and get his feelings back. Because he wants to love me. But he can not do that. I say that you can do that if you really want to.

Anyone can change their feelings. But he does not realize that. Or better yet he needs to realize what his feelings really are. He loves me and cares about me but he does not realize that, that is what being in love is about.

mimi

[bright 2 morro]

My H told me yesterday that he wants to move back out again. That he wants a legal seperation before he goes and wants to know how much money he is going to pay me. And stated that I do not needs to be fair and not necessarily what the legal amount is.

He is so whacked out. The C told him she thought he was depressed and should go on AD's. I was there, and heard it with my own ears. Yesterday he told me that was not what she said. He heard that it would make him think more clearly about leaving the kids and not feel so bad about it.

Again they only hear what they want to hear.

Ok, I was in a severely bad place yesterday. I was very depressed, and then he dropped the bomb on me that he wants to move out again. Of course not a great time he chose to tell me that. Then late last night I got stung my a wasp in my house. I am not sure how it got in but those little buggers get in somehow. It stung me twice, once inthe back of the neck and once on my shoulder. Could the day have gotten any worse.

So far today I am a little better. But I know it could change at any time.

I could not come here for a while because I was so down that I did not want to do anything at all. I would come here and try to read but could not post. So I did lurk for a while. It has also been hard because my H has been home and my IL's have been here for a month. They have been living in my driveway in their RV. While that was nice it did not give me much time to come here.

So there has been a lot of things going on. I would love to promise that I will come back here more often but I can not guarentee that. I have to live minute by minute, and day by day. I do promise that I will be in and out of the boards. I do like the support here and the appreciate the help that we all give each other.

It just gets hard sometime.

Thank you to all of you who read this post.

Mimi

[a new 2moro]

Hes no where near baked.....let him do his thing. This is your time now. Those early returns are more devastating than if he had just stayed away. Dont forget you have a family here that will help hold you up .....so you cant stay away too long.

[bright 2 morro]

Thank you N2M

I know that this place helps. But I am sure that most of us here have been very depressed at one time or another. It is an aweful feeling. I can not bring myself to do anything. Yesterday I paced the house trying to do things and everytime I picked something up I would just put it down somewhere else. I could not clean, go on computer, read, or even enjoy my kids.

It was a very bad feeling, to just pace and pace. I could not sit down or even lay down. Nothing worked. Thank goodness I started to take the AD's. When they kick in I am hopeing to be better.

Mimi

[bambam1970]

Mimi,

This is normal. I guess the way I see it is his actions have so much control over you. That is soooooo normal and expected at this point. But, it makes it so hard for you , Seetie.

Let him go. Help him pack. Be kind. Be agreeable. Tell him, you too believe the space will be helpful. And maybe that is true for you. It was for me. I wouldn't have been able to get a handle on things if H had lived here.

This is your time. Let him go and work on you. It's ok to take a break from here. It gets overwhelming too. Let us know what YOU need.

There is another side and you are going to get there. Just don't stop walking.