My gut response is that yes, I feel responsible if cac is upset or sad and I feel responsible for making him happy. I pretty much feel responsible for everything. I felt responsible for making my mother happy. It's the parentification role I adopted.
There is nothing wrong with the FOO issue per se. Just because you feel responsible for Chuck should not create an issue for the marriage. The problem as I understand these things is how you REACT to your feeling of responsibility. You get anxious and panicky, hold back on what you need to say, then blow up. It is your blowing up that affects Chuck and that scares him. He does exactly the same thing, right?
Then both of you fall into the guilt cycle for having blown up and set the marriage back. So you each pull back into your shell and let the resentment start to build, blaming one another for your show of anger and for having been "forced" into that action by the other. Can you see this cycle?
Understanding your FOO does not mean you have to change anything about it except how you react to similar situations for only in those times does it affect your spouse. The hardest part is NOT reacting to your emotions. Those reactions are preconditioned to avoid some idea impending disaster. As you withhold your reaction, you must go on faith that your partner will not create that disaster and you both can get through the crisis intact and ok. This is the behavioral conditioning part of recovery. After a while it becomes easier to quell the panic and know that chaos will not result.
So this has nothing to do with any weakness or flaw in you or Chuck. It has nothing to do with either of you rejecting the other. It has to do with conditioned responses that need to be reprogrammed. If the both of you can try really hard to get on board with this concept, you will be able to see quick changes.
