Cobra and I disagree on this but I really think you have to look to yourself first. It gives you some control AND takes some pressure off your partner.
I don't want my comments to get too far astray from how I feel about this. In MrsCAC's case, I do agree that both she and CAC are WAAAY too enmeshed, meaning each has a very low level of self esteem and is looking to the other to boost that esteem. As we have seen, with people like this, boosting each other's esteem (which is what each wants) will backfire because each feels like the boost is made out of pity, and therefore they are "one-down" to their partner. A lose-lose catch-22 cycle.
My comments were based on the reality the we all have a dark side of ego and narcissism, that we can never be fully self validating and completely happy alone. IMO, to get to the theoretically ideal state of being completely happy alone is simply not possible for the posters on this board. We are all too damaged. A partner gives us the boost we need, and we have seen examples of how the right spouse can make your happiness. As long as the two people can reach a balance that will not deteriorate into fighting and withholding of validation, such an arrangement may be good enough. IMO, that is reality.
