Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

H sent me an email last night. (You know things are strained when you have to email your spouse rather than just walk into the other room to speak with them.) He apologized for all the pain he has caused and said he hates himself for what he has done, etc. How does one believe such stuff after what has been done? I would like to believe him, I WANT to believe him, but I don't. I don't think he has any understanding of the pain. I have hardened my heart against him. I have put him away from my life.

H is going to speak with our pastor today. I'm hoping that will help him. H keeps saying that he wants to stay in this m, but not sure if it's the "right" thing - I'm not sure what that means, but ok. IC said he is the classic can't commit case. (have any of you seen the Scott Baio reality show on E??) I shared that with H yesterday and pointed out that in ALL areas of his life he just dabbles - he is never fully committed to anything let alone marriage.

We've decided Retrouvaille will be an option for us. We're going to go in September, so that will be good. The one this weekend is almost 2 hours from here and we would not be able to make the follow up sessions. I don't want to miss out on any aspect of the experience. I don't know if we will make it together until September, but we'll have to see...