Hi there. I'm in a bit of a fog, so hopefully this will be followable and not unbearably long.
DH and I have been married 10 years (we're in our late 30s) and have two kids, 7 and 4.
DH told me last week that he's having doubts about our relationship. He cried, I cried, we hugged a lot. Ours is a marriage based primarily on a caring friendship---a good thing since our sex life has been all but nonexistent for years (my drive's much lower, never really made much of an effort to change it, he pretty much gave up). But now he has a crush on someone else, and he says he wonders if there isn't someone out there with whom he'd "click" more naturally, like the same music, etc.
He's wondering if he's staying with me because he "should," and is afraid he's missing out on something and will regret it later. He says he's trying to figure out what he really wants. Though he said, "I'm not going anywhere" and "I have no desire to reinvent my life," I pushed (gently and calmly, but yes, I pushed) with, "So are you saying you're not thinking of leaving?" to which he responded, "I don't know." He said he used to think we were so reasonable, having decided to be together not based on romantic ideas but because we love and respect each other, but now he's not so sure anymore.
He says since he doesn't know what he wants and can't point to anything "wrong" that we could work on, he's not ready to discuss it with me. I said some other things I realize since reading DB stuff that I wasn't supposed to say: I'm totally committed to our relationship and we need to work together, I'd stop anyone from hurting our children and never dreamed that person might be you, etc. He reassured me he'd take care of us financially and I hit the roof.
Since the initial revelation, he's been varyingly friendly but distant or just distant---no more kisses goodbye, nicknames, etc. We had been switching off evenings, one out working and one with the kids, but since last week we've both been home. Tonight he told me he wanted to go out for a beer, asked if it was okay. I said sure, told him to have a good time.
I talked to a DB phone counselor who told me to reel myself right back to the here and now and stop catastrophizing, work on me, act as if. I'm totally down with the first two, but the latter is making me feel like a bit of a dip. I'm always fairly cheerful, so acting as if makes me feel like I look like I'm in denial or I don't care.
Today was a better day than the first few; I haven't burst into tears once (which I'm only doing by myself). Am I seriously not supposed to be thinking about the possibility of him leaving? or just not talking about it with him? I spent a good long while today asking myself what I'm really afraid of, what do *I* want from life, and could I ever stay with someone who would leave his children, which would cause me to lose all respect for him? No answers yet.
I'm not sure what to do except to experiment and observe. The thing he seems to be lacking, "connection," is something he doesn't seem to want from me right now. He did say he'd noticed my behavior changing but that it had utterly failed to touch him.
So that's the long and long of it. I'd sure appreciate some thoughts, ideas, questions, support, anything. Thank you.
