How Can I Possibly Restore THIS?

[JustDucky]

Quite honestly, telling my story in this forum is scaring me, A LOT. However, the support that I see in the various threads that I have read is encouraging.

A little history... H and I married in 1998, after a very brief (four month) courtship. We had both been widowed and felt that we knew what we wanted from a relationship and we seemed so right for each other. Oh, and I should mention this.... when we met, there was a HUGE financial disparity between us. This didn't seem to bother H at all. As a matter of fact, he initiated the discussion of a pre-nup because he was NOT interested in my money. This disparity didn't bother me because I look at a person's character, not his (or her) checkbook. Our boys were almost out of the house- they had one year of high school left... and we thought we would have this wonderful marriage and grow old together.

And at first it was great, despite my having two major surgeries shortly after we married. Then, an insidious monster crawled into our lives, and changed everything. After about three years of marriage, my behavior began to change- very subtly- so subtly that even I did not recognize what was happening at first. Over time, it became outlandish. I was behaving very compulsively, engaging in behaviors that I had NEVER engaged in before, and I was perplexed. So was he. He told me to "just stop." I couldn't. The compulsions owned me with every fiber of my being. I went to counseling. We went to counseling. I went to "Anonymous" meetings. Nothing helped. I was out of control with some of my behaviors, and could not stop.

And while this behavior continued, I chewed up HUGE amounts of money. No longer was I debt free- we sold my debt free home and took out a mortgage on a smaller home. I had credit card bills stacking up. I had creditors calling. I lied to him to cover my behavior. Finally, in May 2005, he made me make a choice- him, or the behavior. I did not want to, but I had to choose the behavior, because I KNEW it owned me and to choose him would be a lie. I knew I would "backslide" again if I chose him. So, he moved out and filed for divorce. Even though he moved out, we still communicated by phone, and saw each other about once a week.

Two months later, by the grace of God, I found an article on the Internet that blew me away. My uncharacterisitc behavior had been triggered by a medication that I had been prescribed in early 2000. Once I stopped the medication, the horrible behaviors stopped. I thought I had my life back. But the damage done ... well, let's see. My marriage was on the rocks, my friends had given up on me (and to this day, they still want nothing to do with me), my assets were gone, my reputation was shot- I had nothing left, but me.

I moved in August 2005 into a wee little house, but it was closer to H, so it was okay. We reconciled, and he moved into this cottage with me. But, even though he said he forgave me- it wasn't ME who caused the problems, it was the medication- I just did not feel the same level of committment that he had before.

The sad truth is that this experience changed both of us. We are both war-torn, shell-shocked, hurting individuals, and since our reconcilation, we have not gotten along. We take our corners and we stay in them. We tried counseling, but I do not believe either of us gave 100% to it.

Finally, in May, I asked him to move out. I was too tired. Tired of the simmering anger, tired of feeling rejected, unappreciated and mistrusted. Tired of being blamed. Tired of never doing anything together. Tired of walking on eggshells.

Since he left, I have not seen him, nor have I spoken to him. The only communication has been via e-mail. I have not begged, I have not pleaded. I have apologized for not appreciating the fact that he put up with A LOT. His attitude is that he's out of the marriage for good, and it is ALL about money. I have told him (via e-mail) that I do not agree with his thoughts about our marriage, but that it is not my place to try and change his mind.

At first, he did not want to file for divorce because he wanted part of any (anticipated) settlement against the drug company. I told him his legal rights would not change if he filed- so he did. I was served divorce papers about 10 days ago.
Now my communication is very short and to the point. But during the past two months, I have gotten a job, started exercising, lost a bunch of weight (that's another thing the drug can do to a person... gain weight, and boy! I did!). I go to solution based couseling, and am looking at taking some classes this fall (a very scary idea, BTW).

But how, when the only way of communicating is via e-mail....how does one even have a chance at reviving/restoring a marriage????