My feeling is that if you have too much you're trying to convey, it comes out sounding scripted, plus has the potential of putting something in that might not work to your advantage.
I completely agree, and I tried to shave it down to a small statement while maintaining the most potent content (i.e. all of the things I want her to know). It is still a little longer than I would like, but I'm not sure how to cut it down more without taking something away (it's hard for me to be concise). I also agree about the "sounding scripted" part. I will definitely change it up some so it sounds more natural at the point of delivery -- I always end up writing things in a more formal manner than I would actually state them in a heartfelt moment like the last stand talk. Definitely noteworthy, though -- thanks!
Brief journaling,
W just called back a little bit ago, and needed to come out to get a few items. All I can say is WOW! It was by far the best time I've spent with her in 9 months! We talked about a lot of different things, and SHE LINGERED LIKE CRAZY!!! I even had a solid opportunity for the last stand talk and I blew it! Just didn't have the balls to go for it ! She was literally here for about 40 minutes. We talked about D3 and how much of a pill she can be and apparently was for W while I was gone (which I of course empathized with and validated). I asked her about how she was doing, and she volunteered quite a bit about how much she is struggling financially (which I of course empathized with and validated). I asked her about work, which she complained about (and I of course actively listened to, empathized with, and validated). We talked about some of my Seattle trip, but not much. I asked her about her health (i.e. diabetes) and how she was doing. She told me about how it affects her mood and causes her to snap when her blood sugar is high. In reflection, I almost think she was trying to subtley apologize for snapping at me for the raft trip stuff and the burn that D3 got on her thumb; like she only acted this way because her blood sugar was high. Regardless, I still empathized and validated.
And last but definitely not least, we talked about my friend from Hawaii and his W (who my W kind of knows). W asked how my friend's W was doing, and I said good, but that she was pretty mean on the nights she was drunk while I was there. My W became really interested in the dynamic between my friend and his W as I began to explained how they would squabble about little things all day while they were sober, but then break out the verbal assaults when they were drunk, which would lead to physical assaults (mostly coming from my friend's W, at which point he would have to tackle her to make her stop). It was a little awkward to be talking about it, because the mentioning of friend's W being drunk and verbally abusive was 100% congruent with my behaviors at times with W. I would get drunk and let the low blows fly, belittle her, etc. Nothing physical in my sitch, but I was definitely intimidating and threatening, which is basically just as bad in my book. Anyway, W asked questions about the events I witnessed, and seemed to be very interested in it all. I told her about how friend's W seemed unable to admit to her wrong doing the next morning after sobering up, and said I felt like she had too much pride to do so -- too much insecurity. I mean, this woman would spit in my friend's face, call him names, threaten to D him and take half of his Military pension and whatnot away, threaten to get him fired, slap and punch him, etc. I am not exaggerating any of this -- it was very sad to witness and I witnessed this behavior twice while I was there. She would do these things and then not apologize at all the next morning. In fact, she would still blame my friend for the fighting. Another said parallel between these events and my W and I was that I wouldn't admit to my wrongdoings the next day either -- too much pride and insecurity was my issue too.
As I explained all of this to my W, I believe that she was thinking the same things as me, and one thing I liked about this part of our conversation was that I got to in an subtle way demonstrate my understanding of my own mistakes and where I went wrong in our M, and I think my W could see this to some degree. I even went to far as to tell her how my friend told me he was pretty much emotionally detached from his W now, and that the next step was to actually become physically detached. When I explained this, my W gave quite the affirming nod and looked down a bit, seemingly acknowledging that this is exactly what had happened with her. I also told her that I felt that neither my friend nor his W will really be able to admit where they themselves went wrong in the relationship until they break up (hinting again that this is what it took for me to realize these things about myself in our R). It seemed to me that this was the point where the opportunity to bring up the last stand talk presented itself in full force. I had a segue to it, and I failed to connect A to B. However, I think today's talk gives her something to reflect on and definitely makes me feel more comfortable and confident with presenting the last stand talk to her in a few days.
She also made a lot more eye contact with me, and we even smiled and laughed a lot together about lots of different things along the way. I was very easy going, confident, and happy throughout the conversation, and never once brought up our R, the D, etc. W didn't bring up the little card or the cell phone charm either, but by the way we communicated and her lingering, I think it was appreciated at some level (definitely not pushed away by it, it seems). I'm telling you, she lingered like crazy. I would finish saying something and then pause, thinking she would say something about needing to go, lean toward the door, etc -- something. But she didn't, so I would ask her about something else, and she would willing volunteer more info than really necessary. It was like she really wanted to talk to me about it all, and really appreciated my listening to her. It got to the point where I finally started leaning toward the door (I had told her before she came out that I needed to go work out before getting the kids from school) before she did it too.
People, I'm about 80% to 90% sure that there is serious doubt floating around in W's head. I'm really beginning to think I might have something here guys, and if I don't now, I'm evermore certain of the possibility to reconcile post D.
My PMA is skyrocketing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was by far the biggest baby step in 9 months! It may not seem like much, but compared to the last 9 months, it is HUGE! I think that today's convo with W had a lot to do with a) the raft trip talk and my ability to stay calm and validate while she got angry with me, b) the D3 burn and again my ability to stay calm, apologize, and validate while she got angry with me, c) the cell phone charm and accompanying note, and d) the fact that the final D date is right around the corner. Man, DBing could give me another chance, and I honestly believe that now with no doubt. It's not about just saving me and making me better anymore -- it is now getting more realistic in terms of saving my M! DBing down to the last minute is undeniably a necessity!
Here's to DBing, Lady Luck, Opportunity and Preparation!
! She was literally here for about 40 minutes. We talked about D3 and how much of a pill she can be and apparently was for W while I was gone (which I of course empathized with and validated). I asked her about how she was doing, and she volunteered quite a bit about how much she is struggling financially (which I of course empathized with and validated). I asked her about work, which she complained about (and I of course actively listened to, empathized with, and validated). We talked about some of my Seattle trip, but not much. I asked her about her health (i.e. diabetes) and how she was doing. She told me about how it affects her mood and causes her to snap when her blood sugar is high. In reflection, I almost think she was trying to subtley apologize for snapping at me for the raft trip stuff and the burn that D3 got on her thumb; like she only acted this way because her blood sugar was high. Regardless, I still empathized and validated. 