survived the night. had a good long chat with my friend last night. I've been very blessed with the support I have around me, but I really need to learn to check this stuff now. Its time. It's been nearly 5 months and I need to re-learn how to socialize without any of this crap in my life coming to the surface.
H will be here shortly and I'll be off to therapy. will try to be upbeat to H. what else can I do? I want to rant at him...I find myself picking stuff apart right now...is he ever going to get the freaking mulch? is he ever going to fix the roof of the shed? does he realize how much is on my shoulders house-wise right now???? (the answer to these questions, should you wonder, is no). I could see myself concentrating on all of this stuff, out of hurt/anger/frustration over rejection once again. hey, at least I recognize it for what it is, right?
so I'll be upbeat. will ask him how it went with his boss, because I am curious. will make sure the house is in good order before he gets here...he's total ocd about some stuff and I'm not, so tempted to not care about things that I've made strides with since the bomb, but not going to, going to keep up with it even though he doesn't care.
most importantly, I won't corner him into a big R discussion. yes, I'm still frustrated, but at the same time, why do it for him? let him be the one to. if/when I am ready to do something permanent, well, then I can do it, but I won't simply as a reaction to him.
and I'll try not to go off on him about the kids. every single day now D3/S5 tell me how much they miss him, how sad they are, how they want daddy back. they don't talk to him about this, probably because they are worried enough that he doesn't like them/they did something wrong. I'm trying to let them talk, etc, so I'm being open and willing and understanding and trying not to fix/placate when they do. they really are starting to open up about it, and I'm trying here, but omg, its hard to see your kids hurting. any parents have suggestions? I'm looking for a play therapist and have bought 2 books on helping kids deal with divorce. just having a hard time actually reading the books...its sooo not what I want that I get very choked up.
end, today's ramble.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
back from therapy...rally good session. I love my therapist, she challenges me, but also makes me feel better...good combination. I go in feeling desolate sometimes, and come out feeling like I can rock the world. the bad thing is that h's new company has different insurance, and she doesn't take it (or they don't take her, not sure). ouch. but she's worth it...we'll work something out.
trying to re-arrange my appt. for next week. H is taking the week off and heading up to the lakes for the first couple of days. I knew he was going mon/tues, but thought he would be back if I could reschedule for wedn, she had morning open. I know he's coming for his own appt wedn. when I got home I asked him and he got really irritated at me for even asking, apparently I was supposed to know by osmosis or something that he planned to spend tues night there, too, so won't be back.
anyway, long story short, I tried not to get snippy even when he did. and I may have been able to work out a sitter with a friend of mine, so hopefully I can still keep the appt.
interesting thing that did come out was that H was talking about S5's kindergarten schedule, wondering if I knew it yet...I don't. he brought up his own therapy and trying to figure it out when he can go. so maybe he does still intend to go. which I'd love it if he did, with or without me in the picture...I think he needs it. I know he needs it. and figured he was ready to run from it as soon as he got the chance...which he could still do, actually.
another thing mentioned was that ow will likely take over his current job...which means a very, very cozy relationship for them. and means no end in sight for them. again, they could see each other even if they didn't work together in any capacity, but this assures it.
funny thing, I got annoyed when I got home because he had the kids playing in my room. how weird is that? its like he is in my space now, get out! lol. (I didn't act annoyed at all, just weird that he was in there)
well, ramble over. off to play with the kids, then off to the pool with them.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I don't have anything in particular to say-- just that I think you are doing great.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
song for the day...better than goodbye my lover, that I've been wallowing in the past few days. lol. I feel myself turning yet another corner. if you aren't familiar with it, its very upbeat and leaves me with a smile.
Mozella/What to Say
you keep crying on the phone, so why don't you come home, so we can talk about the things that I did wrong...again somehow I'm always giving in.
but I don't know what to say to make you stay and I don't know how to play the games you play but I can't cry anymore so whats this for? if you want to leave, leave.
'cause everyone here knows that I would lay down here and die, to make you smile. my timings never right- its no surprise its no surprise, that I've been up all night
and I don't know what to say, to make you stay and I don't know how to play the games you play but I can't cry anymore so whats this for? if you want to leave, leave.
so hey this ain't so bad, just look at all the fun we had we fight too much, we're out of touch, you're free. and you know, the way it goes, go ahead, blame it all on me.
but I don't know what to say, to make you stay and I don't know how to play the games you play no I don't know what to say, to make you stay I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what to say to make you stay
and I don't know what to say, to make you stay and I don't know how to play the games you play but I can't cry anymore so whats this for? if you want to leave, leave
Last edited by morgan; 08/07/0709:35 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
another thing mentioned was that ow will likely take over his current job...which means a very, very cozy relationship for them. and means no end in sight for them. again, they could see each other even if they didn't work together in any capacity, but this assures it.
Do you really think this will change the dynamics of their relationship one way or the other? Is OW with him when he has the kids? Just curious.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
right now she is not with him when he has the kids...I'm 99% sure of that. there is a niggle of doubt on 2 occasions. one, a sox game. he took S5 to one, but only had 2 tix...normally there are 4. now, there are some occasions where that is true (they are company tix). but still, my own doubt made me wonder if OW was there with her son. the other occasion was when H took the kids over the weekend, and one day they went to one of our favorite beaches in maine...further than he usually takes the kids, and at a place that OW just happens to have a beach house. I think for sure I would know if they met her/her son because kids this age talk, ya know.
I have asked him NOT to introduce the kids to OW until after our divorce/papers are signed, should it come to that. I think they have enough on their plate to realize daddy has replaced mommy, and also OW has a son 6 months older than my eldest...so think they will feel really replaced by that. if he's thinking about more than with, well, parts of his anatomy, he'll keep his promise here. but who knows. I've seen some things out of this man that surprise me greatly. his selfishness knows no bounds. time will tell.
anyway, as for changing their relationship, the only way it changes is instead of working for the same company/on the same team, he works for another company that deals with his present company...in fact, his present company is so important to new company, that they would be H's focus...its 40% of their business, so huge. If OW gets H's current job (is this confusing?), then they will be VERY cozy indeed.
again, not that they couldn't be even if they had nothing to do with each other job wise. but it assures that they will be in contact with each other. should lightning strike and he realizes what he is losing (in me) and all that, it would be pretty much an impossible situation for me/us. but I don't think he's forseeing that lightning to strike.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
lol. she has one child, I don't think she really gets what adding 3 to the mix would do, even without the added sugar. but I'm not particularly eager to find out, either. the day I know they are going to meet her is the day you'll find me home with a bottle of tequila and hopefully some good friends to stop me from drunk dialing.
Last edited by morgan; 08/07/0711:43 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
