Need advice on WAW with OM

[SunnySeason]

I'll pass this on from Nomo's thread;


My DB Coach Chuck told me about this and I love it, and have shared it with a number of you, but thought I would post it for those of you who haven't heard it (mainly newbies).

Ok. Here's the idea. The WAS wants away from you, the LBS. They need time and space. They have put up these huge walls because the are so hurt by all the awful things you, the LBS, did. (Just accept that this is true. Defending yourself, and playing the blame game won't help you save your M. Remember, this is the WAS's perspective.) So, it's like they are in a castle. Huge walls; impenetrable. No matter how hard you try to tear down the castle walls or break in (this is us begging, pleading, crying, chasing, reasoning, arguing, etc.), you can't do it. In fact, it strengthens there resolve. There is no way they are going to open the door to let this sad, pathetic or threatneing person in. All you can do is focus on you, and GAL. You have to "let them go." Think of it as letting them go to the castle really, not necessarily away forever. Meanwhile, by focusing on you (what will make you happy, what changes you want to make in you) and GALing, and actually being as happy, positive, upbeat, etc. as you can (fake it until you make it), it is like you are setting up a picnic. A wonderful picnic! And because 99% of the time the WAS is actually noticing what you are doing (even if it doesn't seem like it, and despite their denials or acting to the contrary), it is like you set your glorious picnic up right outside the castle walls. Well, eventually (and much too long for most of us, so we have to be patient, patient, patient and keep at the picnic), the WAS is curious. They venture closer and closer, to check things out. They think, "that looks like fun" or "why is s/he so happy?" But they are VERY skittish. If we jump up and start moving toward them (or even if we act just too enthusiastic that they are peaking out of the castle), they get frightened and run back in. And slam the door! We just have to keep eating that cheese and sipping that wine. Or Fried Chicken and Watermelon. Take your pick. Eventually, if you have a chance (and I believe almost all of us do), the WAS will come even closer, and will finally sit down for a bit. And then, all of a sudden, for no good reason (because they are having fun and you are playing it cool and not chasing), the WAS still freaks out and runs back to the castle. It's like they remember they have walked away, and they wonder why they are even at the picnic! "What was I thinking? I thought I had decided to leave this person behind!" Now, if you chase them back to the castle (or, gasp, pound on the door), they will stay in the castle even longer. But if you just stay at your picnic, eventually the WAS will wander back out again. And each time, they will stay a little longer, and be gone for less time. And then, after a lot of halting progress (two steps forward, one step back), success!! They re-invest in the M. Make sense? That's the idea any way, and for most of us I believe it's the best shot.

Hope it helps,
Nomo

[svejk]

I have a question regarding WAW's guilt over OM during our separation.

I avoid relationship talk whenever we do get together but she consistently brings up that she is ashamed over her relationship with OM. She believes that our relationship cannot be repaired because she doesn't want a relationship with me because I know about the OM.

She believes our relationship is forever tainted by what happened with the OM. She says she wants a fresh start with someone exactly like me but without the history of her having a relationship with the other man. I know her well enough to believe she really means this and is not just saying it as an excuse to end our relationship.

I can she that she is guilty and ashamed over the OM and it is a roadblock in her mind to us working on our relationship.

So, I'm not sure how, or if, I should respond to this. To this point I have only told her that while it hurt me, it really doesn't matter to me. What happened while we were separated honestly doesn't matter to me. It certainly hurts tremendously but I know if I can gain her love back I can easily forgive her, and I can say with certainty that I will not make an issue of it.

Does anyone have any experience with overcoming this obstacle, or have any idea how I should respond to my wife?

Thanks,
Svejk

[Heimlich]

Sven,

My W has said something along the same lines, "I'm worried that you'll hang this over my head for the rest of my life" about her A.

I realized that I was subtly blaming her for what happened. Really look at yourself and see if your actions toward are are different.

I haven't figured this out, and we have other issues, but just don't talk about the OM/A at all with her unless she brings it up. Or maybe just tell her, I need to tell you something. I know that you feel guilty about the OM. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt me or that I won't get angry every once in a while when I see somethign that reminds me of it. However, I'm in love with you and want you in my life. I do forgive you for it and will be able to move on. You're not "tainted" or "spoiled" in my eyes and I can see spending the rest of our lives together.

Something like that. Then, just let it go, unless she brings it up again. Reinforce your feelings by not being hesitant about touching/kissing her (if that's something you can do now). Show her that it doesn't matter to you.

Just some thoughts.

BD

[svejk]

Although I know she feels guilty about the OM, I am 99% positive she is still seeing him. I really don't want to be in a competition with the OM. Should I confront her about him and risk ending our relationship, or should I see if she ends it on her own?

Thanks,
Svejk

[svejk]

Another part of this is that I'm also pretty sure this OM is not someone she sees herself with long term. That's why I think she is still telling me she just needs space to figure things out, but she enjoys the attention of having a fling with a new guy. I don't know if I can handle this and am having a hard time fighting the urge to call her and tell her to either end it or lose me permanently.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully someone can calm me down so I don't make a mistake and call her right now.

Thanks,
Svejk

[svejk]

Would it be a mistake to ask my wife something like this:

"I know that you are still seeing the OM. We agreed to a 1 month no contact period because you said you needed space to figure things out. However I cannot stand by and wait for you while you are carrying on a relationship with the OM. If you insist on continuing with the OM then I will end our relationship immediately. I don't want to give ultimatums, but for my own sanity I have to. If you still want the space to figure things out about our relationship I am still willing to give you the space as long as you are not seeing the OM. If you are unwilling or unable to end it with the OM then please be honest with me so I can go on with my life."

Thanks in advance for any help,
Svejk

[Heimlich]

Give it 48 hours. Think about it, if it's a deal-breaker for you, I think that's fair for you to ask her. I asked my W the same thing back in April. She denied still being interested in her OM. She's fixed on D. I told her all she had to do was say the word and I'll walk away (won't take the girls, split everything evenly), I will be immediately done with you. Even with that out, she said no.

Sleep on it. Make sure you're certain. Then I'd say that's fair enough. Some folks here can try with an OP in the picture, I couldn't. Sounds like you're fairly certain you can't either.

BD

[svejk]

Thanks Heimlich,

I think I will give it 48 hours. The hard part for me is that I know my wife still has some glimmer of hope for us, otherwise she would have completely broken off contact with me. She has still contacted me several times in the last couple weeks that we were supposed to have no contact, including spending the night at my house a couple days ago.

I know I can't believe most of what she says at this point but she did say "I hope that things work out between us", a couple of times in the last 2 weeks.

But like you, the OM part is probably a deal breaker for me. I am losing my sanity just thinking about it. I made the mistake of listening to her voicemail and finding messages from the OM. I wish I had never listened to the voicemail because maybe I would be able to get through this until she finally broke it off on her own, and I'm not very proud of my snooping; makes me feel like a bad person since I've never done anything like that before.

I think my DB'ing and LRT/180 are having an effect on her. She even mentions how surprised and pleased she is when I do something she doesn't expect.

But I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I have very little patience to begin with and the OM is making it impossible to be patient. And because of the fragile state of our relationship right now, I know that my wife will probably completely end our relationship if I give her any ultimatums about the OM.

I guess I have an extremely tough decision to make. I love my wife very much and I don't think I will ever be able to find another like her. Even though she has hurt me so much the last few months I know that I was no angel in the years prior and I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. It was mostly my behavior that led us to this point and unfortunately it appears that the changes I have made may be too late. This really sucks! I never could have imagined anything in life could be this heartbreaking and difficult.

Svejk

[SunnySeason]

Hi Svejk,

But I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I have very little patience to begin with and the OM is making it impossible to be patient

There are many here struggling with this same thing right now.
You want to know & you don't want to know.

It helps me to read some of the posts where the LBS couldn't hold out & either files themselves, or issues an ultimatum that may be met with an ending of your chances.

Many of the times, after reading them & seeing how they're now trying to undo the damage, it somehow ups the patience level.

Sunny

[svejk]

I am just trying to get a handle on why my wife is hiding the relationship with the OM.

Is it reasonable to assume that my wife is hiding her relationship with the OM because she does not want to completely ruin our relationship?

Or is there possibly another reason such as she wants to hide it from her family since we are still married? Or is she hiding it because she doesn't want to hurt me?

Why would she tell me she needs space/time to figure things out instead of just doing the honorable/moral thing and tell me that it's over and she has someone else?

I just can't see myself ever doing this to anyone whether I loved them or not. I couldn't even do this to someone I hate, it's really not worth it. The guilt of hurting someone so much would eat me up inside. I know my wife is not that kind of person either, and that makes it that much more difficult to understand her motivation.

I'd love to ask her these questions, but I know I wouldn't get an honest answer and I would just push her further away. I've been struggling with calling her all day to confront her, but luckily some of your responses have made me think about it. Without this forum I would have certainly called her by now.

I'm wondering if it's even worth the pain and suffering I am enduring now, if in the end the result will probably not be what I want anyway.

I have a lot of respect for those of you on this forum who have suffered through this much longer than I have (6 months so far). It takes a lot of courage to put up with this and basically put your life on hold while your WAS decides.

Anyway, thank you all for being here and hopefully someday I will learn enough out of this to be able to help others on this forum.

Thanks,
Svejk