Frank, You are right. I still have my health, I still have my girls and a lot of other wonderful things in my life. Most of the time it is all about our perspective on life that allows us to feel if it is going good or bad. Sure my M is coming to an end, but there still is a lot that is going good for me.
Journaling: This weekend was a blast. I left work early on Friday so I could get on the road a little earlier then I would have. We hit a ton of traffic which added an extra one and half hours to our drive. We got up to the cottage and basically went straight to bed. Saturday, we all got up early eat breakfast, then put the boat in the water. We had a great time tubing and just cruising the lake. I am actually still fairly sore from my cousin whipping me across the lake on the tube. On Sunday we went into the Dells did a jet boat tour, rode some rides, went to Deer Park and did a little mini-golfing. After a full day we hit the road for home. The ride home was smooth sailing and my girls crashed as soon as we got out on the road.
My W as usual called a few times this past weekend to check on our girls. I even had the girls call their Mom to say good night or good morning a couple of times. However on a few of the phone calls she did not even talk to our girls, she just asked how they were doing and left it at that. Anyways, this morning I woke up to a note from my W mentioning her new thoughts on our asset division and that I need to get it done today so that I could refinance tomorrow. Her thoughts are better, but still not 50/50. I think me refinancing tomorrow is also a pipe dream for her. I do know that she needs to get off of the mortgage so she can get her loan, but she no longer has any say in what I do or when I do it. Though at this point I do not feel like stringing this along any further then it needs to take.
BTW, today is the first day that I could have been legally D. I guess on paper the government still sees us as a couple. I guess they do not know about the A or that my W still sleeps with her phone????Hmmmm I wonder why she does that......
Your W has forgotten a tiny little detail. The bank will ask her marital status, and whether she is involved in a lawsuit. More than likely, they will not approve a loan until the D is final.
Whomever she is going through for her loan is supposely aware of her current sitch and all they need is her name off our mortgage to give her a loan. This is all fine and dandy but until I get a hard number and proof that she is not going to come at me for more I will not get my house refinanced.
Well tonight on my way to my parents house my W called to ask me if I had any questions about her proposal and said then we are in agreemnt then.....Nope not exactly....
I am sticking with taking into account the agent costs for selling and closing costs into the settlement. She however does not think that she should pay half of them since I am keeping the house and will make that money in the future. I explained to her that she can not think about the future, we are splitting what we would get for our house today. I am taking on the risk of keeping the house if it goes down in value not her.
This is about the time when she started to raise her voice and sucked me into an arguement about this whole money garbage. I tried to again explain to her what my settlement was, to which she answered that: "what are you going to do when I talk to my L and he doesn't see it your way....because he doesn't agree with you". I told her that I did not care what her L thought and if it comes to it a judge would agree that I am being the reasonable one. She then started to threaten me with my girls, but she stopped herself. I did acknowledge that she was threatening me....This all really sucks....
I also told her that I was not trying to hold this D up and that I just want to be able to walk into my house and not have you lurking. I am tired of being questioned about everything that I am doing and who I am talking to. I am really tired of being accused of being a horrible guy.....
The other comment that she made to me I thought was interesting. She told me when I look back at this in a couple of years I will see how badly I have treated her during the D. I told her that I have done nothing wrong. I got a L and put this D in their hands. I have been working with you on settling some of these issues because it is the most fair to us and our girls. It will also save us money in the end.
Again not a pleasant conversation at all. I am still in her eyes doing wrong even through this D which she files for. I have no idea even how to take her perspective on this.
Oh, she also tells me that I can trust her that she won't come after me for more money....I am not sure why she thinks I can trust her at this point. Throwing the whole infidelity issue out the window she has gone back on her word countless times over the last few months.....
What is this world coming to?? My friend just called me and told me that his W told him that she was done. His W is the one that my W confided a lot in over the last 8 months, she also had atleast 2 A's. He still has no idea about the infidelity, which I still do not think it is my place to say anything about.....
I guess if she can afford the mortgage on her own income, and she's not planning on any alimony, and her debt level is low, perhaps she could get a mortgage. In my case, the bank told my XW that she had to wait for a settlement, and I don't think they even looked into the details. Although since her earning power is pretty low they might not have looked very far.
As to her comments, she is clearly trying to guilt you into giving her a better deal. Ignore her comments and listen to your lawyer. Stick to your guns, your mantra is "let the judge decide, then."
Em..is it time the other guy knows? Not sure on that one.
I left you a short response after your post on mine. Funny thing how our S's decide to throw out their vows, spew on us, then...they get ?angry during the D process?
Cough.
You will ALWAYS have your girls Em. Stay strong. I truly am not too far behind you. I am getting tired of my own sitch.
Just try not to let her rile you up. Classic advice...don't get dragged into any emotional arguments and truly stick to doing what YOU think is best for you and your kids....a N.U.T., right?
Strength and honor. Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Tell your friend about his wife. It will help him deal with what kind of person she is. Or he will just wonder why and blame himself. Its hard to have sympathy for someone going thru this, when they deny information (basically aiding the wrong spouse) to someone else in the same situation. Its not a matter of being your place its respect for your fellow betrayed spouse. Just my opinion.
As to her comments, she is clearly trying to guilt you into giving her a better deal. Ignore her comments and listen to your lawyer. Stick to your guns, your mantra is "let the judge decide, then."
I guess I should expect her to give me a guilt trip like this from time to time. Its just that every conversation is about our D or her telling me what my girls schedule is going to be. This is expected, but it wears on me.
Let the judge decide comes out of my mouth frequently these days. I believe it is easier for me to be told what to do by a judge then by my STBXW. I really hope that I do not have to stand in front of a judge and that we can come to an agreement on everything.
Frank,
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Funny thing how our S's decide to throw out their vows, spew on us, then...they get ?angry during the D process?
I am not sure that I would use the word funny, but I do understand what you mean. Everything that is going on is occurring because....well this is the bed that my W laid. Now she doesn't like how it is going and for some reason it is all my fault. So Yes based of my experience you can expect your W to stay angry through the D process if it comes to that for you.
I think when things do not go my W's way she views it as me holding her back somehow. I guess she cannot see that I need to protect myself and girls. If that means her plans for riding off into the sunset are put off for a little-bit....oh-well.
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You will ALWAYS have your girls
I know... I LOVE every moment that I have with them.
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Classic advice...don't get dragged into any emotional arguments and truly stick to doing what YOU think is best for you and your kids....a N.U.T., right?
Yes it is....despite how my W is treating me I will always do what I think is best for my girls, even if a decision benefits my W a bit. My girls are my biggest priority and what ever I can do to raise them to be the awesome women that they are going to be I will do.
Well my DD5 now knows that Mommy and Daddy are going to be living separately from each other. My W took it upon herself to inform my D of this today and from what my W tells me she took it alright. I am planning on bringing her out tomorrow night for a date with Daddy, it will be interesting to hear what she has to say. My W is concerned that I am going to say something to my D that will effect her in some way. She said that she is going to have to trust that I do not cross any boundaries that she has put down. Does my W forget: who is the one having an A, who is the one lying and deceiving, who is the one tearing apart our family? I think she at times feels like she is in my shoes....or maybe she is just trying to be controlling and realizing that she has no control over me anymore.
Now for a little good news. I received an email today that my D5 can play soccer this fall in a local league. She has been asking about it for awhile and because of the hecticness of my life I missed the sign up day for two different leagues. I put her name on the waiting list for both of them and hoped for the best. Well the two days that I was told I would hear something by if she got in have come and gone. It really broke my heart more then it did my D's that I could not get her in. Well today I was able to get her in. Do not know why or how...don't really care accept that she is in now. It should be fun watching her learn a new sport again.
I was reading your stitch and you've been through a lot. But I am most impressed on how involved you are with your girls. Im so glad you have them and that has to make you feel good even though you M isn't.
You've really been through the ringer.. im sorry for that. Why is it that they get pissed off.. but your not aloud to??? what is the deal with that.. She is the one that had the A... I don't get it.. it makes me crazy...
Do they realize they are ruining their families. Not for nothing, but although My H did cheat.. he did something close enough to it.. I couldn't upset my kids that way. I would have to give it a try even if I was the cheater for my kids sake.
I don't understand these mothers.. It makes me sick!!
Blessings~
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Scott, It's unreal how they act during the divorce. When I was at the other couple's hearing last Tuesday (subpeona) the PI that had all of the tapes overheard the OW complaining to her attorney. She was whining how the opposing attorney turned all of her words around and made her look like a bad person. I think she did a swell job of making herself look bad without any help...when you sneak a married man in your house and have sex right across the hall from your 8 year old son's room while his door is open, I don't see how the attorney could have made her look any worse than she already admitted to. It's amazing how they can justify even something like that. They aren't a bad person, the mean ole lawyer just makes them look that way.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Wow, a lot has been going on in your sitch since I've been gone.
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The other comment that she made to me I thought was interesting. She told me when I look back at this in a couple of years I will see how badly I have treated her during the D. I told her that I have done nothing wrong. I got a L and put this D in their hands. I have been working with you on settling some of these issues because it is the most fair to us and our girls. It will also save us money in the end.
Your wife has a lot of guts. How can she accuse you of treating her bad? She's the one that had the affair and destroyed your family. Our WAS must think that all of us LBS are just saints.
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My W is concerned that I am going to say something to my D that will effect her in some way. She said that she is going to have to trust that I do not cross any boundaries that she has put down. Does my W forget: who is the one having an A, who is the one lying and deceiving, who is the one tearing apart our family? I think she at times feels like she is in my shoes....or maybe she is just trying to be controlling and realizing that she has no control over me anymore.
You are too good of man to use your daughter to get back at your W...doesn't she see that. She wants to be the victim so bad...just like my H. They will never be the victim. They try to control everything...it's our job to not let them control us...they don't deserve it. I think that we are both starting to do a better job with this. We have both accepted the reality that we are getting divorced...the million dollar question is have our WAS?
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
