I think there are two sides to this validation question of yours. One side is that CAC does need to learn your language and do his part in validating you as you would like. The other part is for you to learn why you need QT as your LL (yep, it's a FOO issue). Your task is to find a way to accept another LL in addition to QT, one that CAC is more willing to give. If he has to make all the LL accommodations and shift his LL to yours, then the tables might swing around and he could become resentful while you are happy. That's not good either. Find an equitable compromise you can both live with.
So I ask again, why? Why is making an effort to have a better sex life a bad thing? Why does it seem that if it isn't effortless it's second-rate?
I don't see anything wrong with this, but there could be problems in how it is communicated. If you are willing to make an effort but have not yet come to the point of being desirous, he might feel like he is being desirous but you are merely holding back. Furthermore, he might he is making himself vulnerable by showing his desire, but you are still hiding behind your walls and using the excuse that you are willing to try but you just aren't there yet. My question would be when are you going to get there, if ever?
I think the way to counter this to to make yourself equally vulnerable (which makes it seem fair the the man) by explaining your fears and why you are holding back, and what steps you have taken that he may not be able to see. At least he will know you are slowing moving forward and not slowly moving backward. I think that not allowing yourself to be vulnerable could be trigger CAC's abandonment issues (just a guess).
Before everyone jumps in and says that is his problem, let me say I agree. But that does not change the damaging impact his fears have on the marriage. So give a little enmeshing affirmation to him. Allow him to slowly work on his abandonment and enmeshment issues as you are slowly working on your vulnerability. That would seem a fair compromise, ya think?
