My opinion is that I don't care so much about the enthusiasm or performance because the effort itself shows how much they care and are trying. of course I don't want grunts and condescending remarks like "There. Are you happy now?" But a shaky awkward but heartfelt try is worth a lot in my book. But that's me.

I wonder if any of the HD men here on the board be satisfied with a "shaky awkward but heartfelt try" from their wives in bed? Would they be able to tell that their wives were "trying" to speak their LL or would they just think it was mercy sex? Would they be offended that the wife had to "try" in the first place?

And who knows after awhile once they get used to it and both of you are more open to meet each other's LL, I would guess both of you would feel more comfortable talking in the other's LL.

I'm not so sure about that. First, both parties need to be willing. We read here that many of the posters' spouses aren't willing for various reasons. We also read about LDW who are willing, but it's not enough because they don't desire it for themselves. How can they progress from willing to comfortable to desiring if willing is unacceptable?

You know, I'd be thrilled if cac was WILLING to talk to me about feelings. I'm not really expecting him to come home and say "oh, honey, I've thought about nothing else all day than coming home and talking to you." Of course he isn't going to say that. And I'm not offended that he doesn't feel that way. I'd be very happy with a shaky awkward but heartfelt try, believe me.

So, what is it about sex? Why does it carry so much more weight than the other LLs? It's not about the physical release, I know I've read many posts here that say that. It's about the emotional connection, right?

That's what QT is about for me. I feel emotionally connected when cac and I talk. I feel emotionally connected when he validates me by spending time with me or acknowledging me or my talents or efforts. Just as I validate him when I ML with him.

So why is it so offensive for a spouse to be only willing to make an effort to have sex, but not seemingly offensive for a spouse to be only willing to make an effort to talk or be complimentary or otherwise validating?