Like Corri says, you don't know what you don't know until you know it.
Fearless has given you the same answers I would have given myself. It is something about learning to deal with the sh!t life throws at you without whinging and moaning about it and acting it isn't fair.
Grown men need sex, but they can just deal with it better when they don't get it. If a little kid is hungry he cries and whines and is a total chore to live with until you feed him. If a grown up is hungry, he manages to deal with it until the next opportunity to eat comes along, or he goes and gets some food.
I get the feeling you are a total chore to live with unless you get sex.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hap-- hanging in. Tomorrow is me and my bf's five year anniversary. I absolutely cannot believe I've been in this so long. Holy crap. Sure I've grown a lot, but I'd much rather grow in a R like Mojo is having right now!
Here is what I have learned. Change yourself, thats the only thing you control. Become a Deida man. Stop being Mr. Nice Guy. And the worst thing, is that I need to reduce my expectations to the LOWEST level possible, because what is normal to me is something that my LD wife pretty much can not achieve. In other words, I will probably have to forget about much of my marriage.
Here is what I have learned. Change yourself, thats the only thing you control. Become a Deida man. Stop being Mr. Nice Guy.
Okay, I am with you so far. And have you done any of the above actions? yes you've READ Deida's book but I don't see that you have put anything into practice. Also outside of the marriage, how do you feel about yourself? Good at your job and satisfied? Good network of friends and business associates? Good relationship with your sons?
And the worst thing, is that I need to reduce my expectations to the LOWEST level possible, because what is normal to me is something that my LD wife pretty much can not achieve. In other words, I will probably have to forget about much of my marriage.
And back to the whining. ANY reduction in expectations would be a SHORT TERM solution to getting yourself and your marriage back to a healthy balance. I would NEVER (and HAVE never) suggest that you should just give up wanting anything on your list.
My suggestion is that by releasing your grasp on the intense obsession and addiction you have to wanting those items might in turn actually GET you those items.
Do you understand? My GOAL is to GET you what you want. The problem for you is that it will take work from you, it is not a straight path to directly and immediately getting it, you feel resentful that your wife is left "off the hook," it is unfair to you, etc.
I've used this analogy before but you're like the guy who wants to lose 100 pounds OVERNIGHT and without dieting and exercising. it just doesn't happen that way. Sure I understand that you feel your wife is to blame and you resent her. But that resentment is a huge barrier to her desiring you. Normal people don't desire someone that resents them. Which means forgiveness is another difficult barrier you will need to climb.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I agree with Fearless. One of your ideas is proactive, assertive and pro-Dieda. The other is completely opposite. I think your problem is that your TRUE expectations are way too low. You say you want a wife who desires you but you do little to bring that about. So either you don't believe your own expectations or you don't believe you are worthy of those expectations. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Which CeMar is she to believe? Part of being a Dieda man is to truly know yourself and be firm and consistent. I don't see that in you yet.
Tell me again in very specific actionable steps, what can I do as CeMar to change my marriage? What is step 1?
I am with you on that Cemar. Check out my new "Horny" thread and you will see we are coming from the same place.
If you are not willing to cheat nor willing to divorce is there a third option? Can you just ask her if it is OK for you to go outside of the marriage to get some of your needs met?
When she says no ask her why not? You understand the fact that she is not as horny as you and are quite willing to make an allowance. But if you are horny and you are not getting your needs met at home why would there be any problem for her in letting you do that? As long as you promise to keep her and cherish her and not divorce her and always use a condom. What would be the problem for an adult man with adult needs going out and getting those needs met. You would not be cheating.
After all at the moment you're a pain to live with right
Gee, maybe the fact that she has told me (half jokingly) that if I cheated she would cut it off. But beyond that, it is still adultry in the eyes of God.
