Hey Lou, I wish I had the quick answers for you, but I'm definitely still in the process of reading it.
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From what I can tell it tries to show you that by doing things in order to get unspoken and/or self interests met, you are setting yourself up for disappointment along with creating passive aggressive relationships, right?
This is the "covert contract." You want BB to have (and enjoy) sex with you. She complains about the mess in the garage, which is filled with your junk (her view) your inventory (your view). The sex and the printers are, in no way, related to each other, at least as far as BB is concerned. You may feel differently about this - maybe you had been thinking about sex with her, and had a look in your eye, and she happened to mention that she was bothered by the junk. CLANK. That's the sound of a connection being made in your head between the two. Here's what's going on in your head (but only if you're the same type of NG as me: "Wow...if I get those printers cleared out, she will see my efforts and reward me with sex. Hmmm, I don't need to say this out loud to her because, surely that is why she brought up the issue of the clutter. No doubt in my mind that she wants to reward me. Don't want to mention any of this to her, because she does hate to talk about this kind of thing." So you clean up the mess and mention it to her. And wait. And wait. "Hey...WTF? There's my quid; now where is my pro quo?" When you don't get the results you thought you were supposed to get, the results SHE AGREED TO (except she didn't because she just happened to be in a complainin' mood that day and saw the junk and blurted it out and sex with you wasn't even on her mind that day), THEN is when the PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR starts, such as not doing things she asks you to do (why bother?) or being late, or being rude, or forgetting to give the dog its pill (it's HER dog), etc. So, it's not a "passive aggressive relationship", but rather, passive aggressive behavior you pull off because, well, she didn't follow through on our contract, and I want to "even it up" a bit after putting all that effort into making her happy.
Yeah...it sounds totally sick. I don't know if you do it, but I have done it many times. Sometimes she calls me on it (the PA behavior) and I counter with the "lack of sex" and she doesn't make the connection (neither did I until I read the book), and, instead says, "Hey, we're talking about MY issues right now, and MY issue is about how you're being really PA to me."
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Does he also discuss philosophy to developing an attitude which enables you to help others without throwing expectations upon them?
I know that he does differentiate between caretaking, and caring. Caretaking is doing something nice for someone with the expectation/hope/hidden agenda of being rewarded for your efforts. Caring is doing someone nice for someone without any expectations at all.
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I would just suggest not treating her as if A)she owes you OR B) she has been a crappy wife so she "deserves" your disrespect.
Yes, my friend. This is key. I was just telling my IC today how I get stuck in that rut and how, when I think about the good things my wife means to me, I have a lot to be thankful for.
One thing I talked about with my IC was the fact that "you are selfish" is a big HOT BUTTON for me. The funny thing was, my ex knows this, too. Yet, when she accuses me of being selfish (not buying my sons cars, etc.,), the first one to jump to my defense has always been Ms.Hdog. (Not that she defends me to my ex, just that she tells me I am NOT selfish) She focuses on the fact that my ex buys everything for my older kids and that I am the only one of the parents who is trying to teach them about being careful with money, about earning money, about having a sense of ownership after buying something with money they have earned, etc.
There was a time, between wives, when I lived in a simple little house, drove my dad's old car, and spent whatever money I had on my kids. I even spent money I didn't have, and ended up with some debt. Then, I met current W, and after a while, she showed me that I needed to stop, and that I needed to be saving for college, etc. She urged me to balance out my ex's excessive spending on the kids to try to teach them the lessons set forth above. Thank you, Ms.Hdog, for setting me straight, for taking control of our finances, and for getting us back into fiscal health.
But...wait a sec. Now you call me selfish? Now you want me to spend the small amount of money I have earned from my second job on my kids, who, by the way, refuse to bother working any jobs at all? What lessons would I teach them then? Why the inconsistency?
A light went on during the session that hadn't gone on before (in spite of a couple of you mentioning it). This is not about the money. It's about the ol' "when one partner changes, the relationship changes." It's about me exercising some financial independence, and some behavioral independence. It's shaking the cage. It's an effort to change the dynamics of enmeshment, or differentiation, or an attempt to get rid of some of the dysfunction. I'm sure it's threatening as hell for her.
We got here through a series of choices and compromises, some spoken, some not. It's going to be a long road to anything resembling "healthy" and "mutually enjoyable."
It feels like I'm headed in the right direction, but I'm not sure she'd agree with me. But I guess she doesn't have to agree with me for me to believe that I'm doing the right thing. (Such a hard concept for me to embrace).
