A willing spouse is NOT the saem as a desirous spouse, not even close. I like to think of it in terms of something my wife LOVES to do and that is shop. I go shopping with her because I am willing to shop. After doing this for many times, she would prefer NOT to shop with me, it's just not fun. So she now basically shops with her girlfriends. She has found a DESIROUS partner for shopping, and it results in a much more shopping happiness. Apply that to sex, she is WILLING to have sex, but so are hookers. There is no real connection going on, I am a "CHORE" not something she REALLY wants to be doing. I don't care what the activity is, if the person you are with even HINTS that it is not what they really want to do, it spoils EVERTHING about that activity.
I love to shop too, and cac does not. Well, I guess it depends on what we're shopping for. I learned a long time ago not to have him come along to the mall because it is clear that he is bored, impatient and unhappy being there, and knowing that made it nearly impossible for me to enjoy shopping with him. In fact, I am usually unable to enjoy myself in any activity with cac if he is bored or annoyed. This is true for him too, at least some of the time.
My primary LL is QT. cac struggles with QT, especially the kind of QT I like best, which is TALKING. I love to talk about my feelings, his feelings, our R, our family, our future, our dreams, etc. He really doesn't like to do this, especially talking about feelings. He dislikes this when I initiate it, which almost all of the time. It is extremely unusual for him to initiate this type of talk with me.
My other LL, WOA, is another tough one for him. Doesn't come naturally at all, maybe with the exception of compliments about my physical appearance. My brand of WOA revolves around acknowledgement, appreciation, and recognition for things I do (which I guess explains why I'm looking for him to acknowledge my efforts at saving money by not spending it on myself--as I posted in Hairdog's thread).
When I look through the 5LL book at the suggestions at the end of the WOA and QT chapters--suggestions that cac might try so that I feel loved--well, they mostly read like a pipe dream. I honestly can't imagine him doing most of them at all, never mind, enthusiastically or without prompting from me. Yep, he isn't typically enthusiastic about these things. And as you said, Cemar, there is no real connection going on, I am a "CHORE" not something [he] REALLY wants to be doing. Feeling that way sucks, doesn't it?
I know cac isn't the only one out there who struggles with his spouse's (non-PT) LL. For example, GGB wrote recently that when he tries to love MrsGGB in her LL, it doesn't typically work, AND, he's not very good at it.
Then I remember what NOP wrote a few months ago. Loosely summarizing, he said that sex/PT is different than the other LLs because it's the only one you can't get from anyone other than your spouse. Does this mean that PT is more important than the others? And if it is....then is it possible that one whose LL is PT might NOT take their spouse's non-PT LL as seriously as their own?
Is it reasonable for me to expect cac to enthusiastically do activities in my LL? I know that he expects (or wants) me to enthusiastically ML with him.
Should I expect him to initiate those QT/WOA activities or should I just be happy (settle) for him willingly doing them, even if I know he doesn't truly want to do them? He didn't like it when I willingly go along with sex. He prefers that I desire it.
What if he finds it too uncomfortable to participate in these activities? Should he try to confront his feelings about it?
And, do HD people typically consider PT their LL? Is that why they're HD?
