Hdog, I have some questions about the Nice Guy (NG) book. For me, I have developed (through FOO and my own personality) my own philosophy in which I TRY to treat people according to MY ethics and 1) not according to whether they "deserve" or "earn" it or 2)not whether they will react in a way that I want. I do what I want and they are free to do what they want.

I bring this up because I know the NG book addresses #2. From what I can tell it tries to show you that by doing things in order to get unspoken and/or self interests met, you are setting yourself up for disappointment along with creating passive aggressive relationships, right?

Then you have exercises to try to help you develop a way to meet your needs without these unspoken agreements. Does he also discuss philosophy to developing an attitude which enables you to help others without throwing expectations upon them?

Does it also address looking at your actions from the POV that your actions are about YOU? For me, I try to treat people based upon who I am and not according to who they are. In other words I do things because I want to do them and I believe I should do them. I do this so I can look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself. The other person may or may not know this or recognize my extra effort which is okay with me. They might just be busy or distracted and it's not really a "slight" to me. (Although I do have this peculiar issue with wanting to be waved at when I let people in in traffic. Why is it so important for me to get that little wave? See I have lots of my own work to do!!!)

Just curious about your thoughts since you are reading the book.

I've noticed quite a few comments from others pointing out all your wife's faults and mistakes which kind of look like "reasons" why you shouldn't care about her feelings. For some reason it makes me cringe because it sounds like her feelings might be more acceptable IF she would make love to you and had not made her own mistakes along the way.

The problem is that blaming viewpoint gets you both stuck because as you can tell she has a list of all your mistakes just like you have of all of her mistakes. And by now who can really say which mistakes are worse or which list is longer. (Well okay of course her mistakes are worse and more numerous ;\) ) At some point at least one of you and hopefully in the end BOTH of you can throw those lists away and start fresh.

I would just suggest not treating her as if A)she owes you OR B) she has been a crappy wife so she "deserves" your disrespect.

I am NOT saying that you ever have disrespected her. Just warning to be aware of that as you fight the NG syndrome.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus