It's going to be a bumpy ride

[Trixi]

hmmmm....interesting dream. of course, my therapist would add that you need to get to a place that you don't need anyone but yourself. but the truth of the matter is, yes, standing on one's own two feet is important,

Yes, indeed. I am reading a book on abandonment that says this time period is a good time for us (those left) to get in touch with our most basic desire to bond--and bond with ourselves. That without the pain of separating, this basic desire fades into the background.

but at the same time, there is something very nice about having a life partner. and finding what you were looking for in your dream, someone who would really care for your and not string you along is very nice. the hard part is going to be allowing it/having faith again.

I am sure that I *can* survive on my own-it's just not what I ultimately want for my life. Kind of like, I can live without having any pets, but that isn't what I want for my life. (that's a terrible analogy, but you get the gist.)

never in my life have I been cheated on or treated like H has treated me. I think that is what is so shocking for me, that anyone would treat me this way, let alone the man I love/trust more than any other in this world. so will we be able to someday have that faith/trust in another man, should our marraiges fail? will be interesting to find out...will be interesting to find out not only if it is possible, but also what it will take for us to get there. not to mention, I've been treated so shabbily by H for a while now, it will be weird to be treated well again.

Yeah, I hear that. I think I would need to be eased into it; at this point I think I might feel smothered if someone was attentive/caring/consistent--how horrible is that?? I have a lot of work to do. If my H all of a sudden starting being really nice and consistent- I would totally be skeptical and leery. I think it's because at this point he has been so back and forth that I would be afraid it wouldn't last (as usual.)

1 year ago we were talking about renewing our vows for our 10 year anniversary. That he had realized that I was a wonderful woman, that he was very lucky, that he felt like a jerk for how he had treated me before; it was"epic" (to use his term.) He was constantly snuggly. It was great. Too bad it didn't last. On and off he has been like this. He would always say "see, we always end up back here [at the negative]" Of course, I could retort that we always end up with him feeling in love, too.