It is really hard to explain. A willing spouse is NOT the saem as a desirous spouse, not even close. I like to think of it in terms of something my wife LOVES to do and that is shop. I go shopping with her because I am willing to shop. After doing this for many times, she would prefer NOT to shop with me, it's just not fun. So she now basically shops with her girlfriends. She has found a DESIROUS partner for shopping, and it results in a much more shopping happiness. Apply that to sex, she is WILLING to have sex, but so are hookers. There is no real connection going on, I am a "CHORE" not something she REALLY wants to be doing. I don't care what the activity is, if the person you are with even HINTS that it is not what they really want to do, it spoils EVERTHING about that activity.
But even beyond that, HD women ACT differently OUTSIDE the bedroom. This is MORE important than what happens IN the bedroom. Desire effects:
Flirting Playfullness (rather then serious) Happiness Handholding Kissing, especially with tongue Oral sex Passion Intensity of the relationship About 100 different and pleasureable chemical changes in the body physical teasing Horniness The abiltiy of the LD spouse to show love (this one is key) and even the length of a persons life.
I totally understand where your coming from I was in the same kind of situation with my wife but admittedly probably not as bad as your situation. I struggled with my wife just doing it for me and not "really" wanting it. I think that many times that just by taking the crappy sex that was offered I made things worse. I remember a few times where she would put a pillow over her head during sex like I wasn't even there. Took me a while to not accept that anymore and I wish I had never accepted the "scraps" that were thrown my way. It was too late though our relationship had deteriorated to the point where she was uncomfortable with any touching from me.
We are coparents. We are roomates. We are nice to each other, but we are at best ILYBIANILWY. She never touches me first. We have not kissed in at least 6 years. We have sex about 8 times a year. SHe is ALWAYS doing something, that is what her whole life is about, keeping busy. Sex is the LAST thing she ever wants to do. Its like it can actually be work for her. Essentially, she is spending most of her time focused on things that will in no way make her marriage better.
Enough whining. Let's say I am you. I am in your shoes, complaining about all the crap I have to put up with from your wife. Heck, let's make it worse and say there is no sex at all. But I won't leave her. I just complain to you over and over again. What is your advice to me? What should I do to change this situation. Tell me what to do.
Martelo I remember a few times where she would put a pillow over her head during sex like I wasn't even there. Oh No! L
BB and I did doggie a few times. At first I thought it was for adventure. 20 years later she said, “you don't have to look at a guy you don’t like having sex with doing it doggie style.
So now I don't know if the doggie style was to be adventurous, she didn't want sex with me at the time ( things were good then so it kind of leaves that possibility very low probability), she had doggie sex with someone else she didn’t like before we got M, or she just conjured up the idea.
That's a cop-out response and you know it. You're well read and have been exposed to this issue for some time. Are you telling me you haven't learned anything? Put on your thinking cap and start thinking out of the box for once, instead of waiting to be spoon fed a pre-canned slavage plan. Now again, what do you recommend?
We are coparents. We are roomates. We are nice to each other, but we are at best ILYBIANILWY. She never touches me first. We have not kissed in at least 6 years. We have sex about 8 times a year. SHe is ALWAYS doing something, that is what her whole life is about, keeping busy. Sex is the LAST thing she ever wants to do. Its like it can actually be work for her. Essentially, she is spending most of her time focused on things that will in no way make her marriage better.
SO is it fair to say that her ONLY faults as a wife are the lack of intimacy and lack of desire? I ask because if she is truly nice to you and you two LIKE each other and even love each other AND you had great desire in the beginning, then it seems like you should be able to reconnect.
I do not think you have answered this question:
Does you wife complain about your marriage or has she stated that she has any problem with your marriage?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
