I read a very interesting book called Uncoupling. It really shed light on the process of this whole thing; it felt like I was climbing into H's head. Helped me get a lot of things.

One of the big points is that this crisis is usually started with a PERSONAL realization that ONE person is not happy. They look around and see a marriage, so the marriage must be the reason they are unhappy. But to keep the rationalization, there are projections onto the relationship, onto the partner.

My H has alluded to the fact that for his 36 years, he always put the needs of others above himself. Including mine, even though I never asked or expected this of him. He doesn't want to do anything for anyone anymore; his own version of an extreme 180. He even said that this is his time to be selfish, the man who was selfless to a fault. I can see how he would crave this balance...why does it have to go completely opposite before it can swing back half-way? I don't know...he doesn't seem to know, either.

The CW seems less of an issue (today, anyway). A transition object, something to help him go from where he was to this new, imagined life. Something came out recently, too, about that--her H wants very much to work on their M, go to counseling, and she is considering it. He threatened to take the children and keep the house, so she is motivated ;0)

He still wouldn't be ready to come home, though. He has chosen the most difficult path through this self-exploration, and will not accept help or guidance from anyone. And I represent the old him, the one who partnered, who "held him back," when it was really himself holding back. I went out and got a life; I was closer to balance (still, it was helpful to go through all this and become aware of my choices in prioritizing things in my life).

It seems that I found my strength again (I have to figure out how I do that--get it and keep it up in my head, instead of down in my heart). I know that I don't need this man. We will be ok, I will be ok. But my heart, my heart wants him so much...

Today I can see the way to go--let him live it, experience it, see the person who he has become. It is so contridictory to his core values...maybe, just maybe, he will come to his senses before I move on. Right now, I am just moving forward through this day.