Another thread locked. Didn't even get to put my monster journal entry in it yet, but I did make some progress yeon it ysterday. Hope everyone is doing well!
Onward and upward, Nomopo
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Here is a summary of my sitch:
Me: 39; WAW: 38 Married: Nov. 1997 (began dating Dec. 1993). First marriages for both. Son (7) and daughter (4). Initial Bomb: May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day and D's birthday) Traditional couples therapy started: Dec. 2005 "Maybe we should call it quits" Bomb: Jan. 22nd (aka "looking into the [divorce] abyss"); W not working on M Emotional Affair discovered: Feb. 22nd Ultimatum regarding EA given: Feb. 29th Response ending EA, but not working on M, given: Mar. 4th Divorce Busting begins ("rookie league"): April 10th Solutions-Based, Goal-Oriented Therapist found: April 12th (Wife is going now!) "Should we explore a separation?": May 10th "I want a "trial" separation": May 22nd Told kids about separation: June 9th (6:00 pm) Separation implemented: June 11th Unsure about status of EA; unsure what W is thinking
Some previous alien spew: "We have no spark and there is no hope." "We both deserve more." "I am sad all the time." Depression? "It's not my fault that it took 15 months of therapy for you to have a breakthrough and finally understand what you were doing and how unhappy I am." "I do not see any hope of you changing and us being happy together."
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Although my journal entry still isn't done (and I have tons of office work to do today so journaling won't likely happen before tonight), I wanted to post a little about my current thinking/frame of mind.
Things had been going slowly, but smoothly for a bit, with no real backslides on my part or negative interactions with W. I woke up in a funk, however, on Sunday 7/22 (brought on by my suspicions and emotions about W and her OM/EA after I learned from MIL that W was going out on a Saturday night for a firm recruiting event, though she had told me she was working). This funk led to a negative interaction with W on the phone the next monring, and pretty much lasted all day (which happened to be S7's Bday party and lots of family was around - they all could tell I was struggling). Since then, and after "recovering" from my funk and the negative interaction (see journal later for details), the interactions with W have been friendly, light, upbeat and positive, and I have been in really great spirits overall. (Not sure which came first - chicken and egg thing.) A few blips here and there, and some impatience and frustration with the snail's pace at times, but really a pretty good stretch.
Last night I was invited to W's youngest brother's Bday dinner with the family (W, kids, MIL, BIL's inlaws). W seemed cold and distant or bothered at the dinner, so that was tough (but I tried not to let it affect how I acted). Afterwards, I went with BIL and his wife for some more beers. BIL's wife started talking to me about the sitch some more. (The three of us taked at length about things about a week ago (see upcoming journaling), and it was fine. But at one point lst night, she basically told me that she had told her mom (who is divorced at least once) about our separation (it was supposed to be kept in the immediate family). She then went on to suggest that she and her divorced mom both had wondered about whether W has an OM. She asked me point blank if I knew of an A or OM, and I said I had wondered about it, but didn't know anything. I asked her if she knew anything and she said no, and said she had not even discussed the possibility with her H (W's brother). She then asked me if I could forgive W for soemthing like that and I said yes.
There was a lot more than that, but this is probably what got me bummed out towards the end of the night and thi smorning, so I am trying to fight through it. It does seem to me that W is likely still having feelings for OM (if not outright contact), and that is a big part of why she is not working on the M. So I feel resigned to waiting it out. That may take a while. Ah, patience. And it also concerns me that if W is not actively seeing OM, how does she get over him? Anyway, I need to put this out of my mind, I guess, since I can't control it.
On a brighter note, for the last two weeks (until last night, I guess), I was feeling pretty stable, calm and balanced. I would still love to try to build a great R with my W, and I still think we can do it with a lot of hard work and some time, but I felt I was at a new point in my overall mindset/attitude. I know (and I am pretty comfortable with the possibility) that my sitch may not go the way I prefer. But I also know that I will be happy regardless, that my kids will be fine (at least, and probably better), that I can find someone else who is great for me if I get divorced, and that I deserve more than I was getting previously. It felt pretty darn good to be in that place (not sure if I am still there after last night). I was feeling rather calm, confident and content. And, somewhat strangely, I was somewhat more confident that my M may work out now. I felt like my chances of success were closer to 50-50, for some reason. It's like I think I am doing a good job of DBing, and giving myself the best shot, and now it's just whether or not I get a little luck and W puts OM/EA out of her mind/life/heart, etc. Guess we'll see.
Thanks for reading, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
You've pointed this out to lots of others, and you know it yourself, but put the OM out of your mind. That's something you can't control and it's about the only thing that seems to drag down your PMA.
Luck's not going to bring your M back together, your hard work is. Keep focusing on you, like you're doing, and don't worry about this leach who doesn't have enough confident to find a woman of his own.
As you say, onward and upward (and don't look back)
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Luck's not going to bring your M back together, your hard work is. Keep focusing on you, like you're doing, and don't worry about this leach who doesn't have enough confident to find a woman of his own.
Most of this suggestion is fine with this possible exception: if your W does come back, it won't necessarily mean that you have not worked hard enough. Nomopo, you are working plenty hard and are an inspiration.
It felt pretty darn good to be in that place (not sure if I am still there after last night). I was feeling rather calm, confident and content. And, somewhat strangely, I was somewhat more confident that my M may work out now. I felt like my chances of success were closer to 50-50, for some reason. It's like I think I am doing a good job of DBing, and giving myself the best shot, and now it's just whether or not I get a little luck and W puts OM/EA out of her mind/life/heart, etc. Guess we'll see
Morning Nomo.
The reason for the confident feelings are likely a direct result of you putting the skills you have learned to work, the same ones that will keep your PMA intact, & the same ones that won't let "Luck" be the determining factor.
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It felt pretty darn good to be in that place (not sure if I am still there after last night).
It seems that a focus on the OM/OW will trip up the LBS everytime, doesn't it. That focus somehow permeates all else, even if you're going in a positive direction & can sabotage/weaken your DB efforts.
The more you GAL & fill your time with other people & new experiences, the less time to dwell on something that will not help & in fact takes on a life of it's own.
We know this o/c, just have to keep reminding ea other & our selves. Just as when after you lose weight doesn't mean you can do it once & then back to eating & bad habits.
Getting back to picturing success increases your confidence level & makes ya look very attractive, & not just to W
Looking forward to your journal entry hopefully posted tonight, I've been going through a little withdrawal
You know, it's actually makes me feel better when you say you were bummed. It's like, it 's okay for me to be bummed at times too. I mean..I know it's okay, but..you know what I mean?
Hey Nomo, I don't think my W has, or would ever have an OM. But, I have had several friends ask me. My answer is always, "No way. She would never cheat." They respond, "well how can you be so sure that's not what caused this, or vice versa?" My answer, "I don't, but not a damn thing I can do about it if that is the case. It will blindside me. But why think about it if I don't know? Nothing, NOTHING good can come from that." You know who you are NOMO. Keep being that guy. He's the guy people like and W's love.
Me 32 WAW 30 D Bomb 7/9 Separated 7/15 Reiterated bomb 8/12 PA 8/21 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1198643