Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Nomopo]

Although my journal entry still isn't done (and I have tons of office work to do today so journaling won't likely happen before tonight), I wanted to post a little about my current thinking/frame of mind.

Things had been going slowly, but smoothly for a bit, with no real backslides on my part or negative interactions with W. I woke up in a funk, however, on Sunday 7/22 (brought on by my suspicions and emotions about W and her OM/EA after I learned from MIL that W was going out on a Saturday night for a firm recruiting event, though she had told me she was working). This funk led to a negative interaction with W on the phone the next monring, and pretty much lasted all day (which happened to be S7's Bday party and lots of family was around - they all could tell I was struggling). Since then, and after "recovering" from my funk and the negative interaction (see journal later for details), the interactions with W have been friendly, light, upbeat and positive, and I have been in really great spirits overall. (Not sure which came first - chicken and egg thing.) A few blips here and there, and some impatience and frustration with the snail's pace at times, but really a pretty good stretch.

Last night I was invited to W's youngest brother's Bday dinner with the family (W, kids, MIL, BIL's inlaws). W seemed cold and distant or bothered at the dinner, so that was tough (but I tried not to let it affect how I acted). Afterwards, I went with BIL and his wife for some more beers. BIL's wife started talking to me about the sitch some more. (The three of us taked at length about things about a week ago (see upcoming journaling), and it was fine. But at one point lst night, she basically told me that she had told her mom (who is divorced at least once) about our separation (it was supposed to be kept in the immediate family). She then went on to suggest that she and her divorced mom both had wondered about whether W has an OM. She asked me point blank if I knew of an A or OM, and I said I had wondered about it, but didn't know anything. I asked her if she knew anything and she said no, and said she had not even discussed the possibility with her H (W's brother). She then asked me if I could forgive W for soemthing like that and I said yes.

There was a lot more than that, but this is probably what got me bummed out towards the end of the night and thi smorning, so I am trying to fight through it. It does seem to me that W is likely still having feelings for OM (if not outright contact), and that is a big part of why she is not working on the M. So I feel resigned to waiting it out. That may take a while. Ah, patience. And it also concerns me that if W is not actively seeing OM, how does she get over him? Anyway, I need to put this out of my mind, I guess, since I can't control it.

On a brighter note, for the last two weeks (until last night, I guess), I was feeling pretty stable, calm and balanced. I would still love to try to build a great R with my W, and I still think we can do it with a lot of hard work and some time, but I felt I was at a new point in my overall mindset/attitude. I know (and I am pretty comfortable with the possibility) that my sitch may not go the way I prefer. But I also know that I will be happy regardless, that my kids will be fine (at least, and probably better), that I can find someone else who is great for me if I get divorced, and that I deserve more than I was getting previously. It felt pretty darn good to be in that place (not sure if I am still there after last night). I was feeling rather calm, confident and content. And, somewhat strangely, I was somewhat more confident that my M may work out now. I felt like my chances of success were closer to 50-50, for some reason. It's like I think I am doing a good job of DBing, and giving myself the best shot, and now it's just whether or not I get a little luck and W puts OM/EA out of her mind/life/heart, etc. Guess we'll see.

Thanks for reading,
Nomo