I don't know if the tickets will be non-refundable or not, but, given that they'll probably be the cheapest ones I can find, it's likely they will be. I'm definitely trying to think of this in Corri/Martelo terms: don't make a big deal about it, and, if anything happens, I can handle it. The "what's she gonna do, cut me off?" self-talk has helped me through many situations before, usually with a chuckle, so I'm not that worried.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
I think empathy gets a bit easier when you commit yourself to a course of empathy *without* surrender.
I think that's what I'm doing, by talking with her about her feelings, but doing so with a stated purpose of trying to make this trip "okay" for both of us. Even if she is not "okay" with it, and I end up going, at least I tried to talk with her about it. Is this the "empathy without surrender" you're talking about? If not, some examples would be helpful to me.
Cobra: the dialog that Lou posted between the recovering NG and the wife had some familiar rings to it. I've used the "your loss" technique, and, while it might help soothe me, it does not change the outcome. The rest of the conversation seemed kind of stilted and artificial. Maybe the "bringing it back to his desire for her" is something I could work at a little better in the situation of "pillow talk", but generally, Ms.Hdog seems to ignore this kind of talk. She either doesn't respond or changes the subject.
I'm actually considering the Nice Guy Breaking Free Exercise #39:
Quote:
Consider going on a sexual moratorium. COnsciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea, but once they make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very positive experience. A sexual moratorium can have many benefits: -Helps break dysfunction cycles -Eliminate pursuing and distancing -Allows the Nice Guy to see that he can live without sex. -Releases resentment -Helps the NG realize that no one else but him holds the key to his sexual experience. -Helps the NG see how he settles for bad sex -Eliminates fear that the NG's partner can withhold sex or approval. -Helps the NG pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses: whenever the NG feels the impulse to be sexual, he can automatically ask himself, "Why am I feeling sexual?" -Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive masturbation, pornography, and other addictive behaviors -Helps the NG begin to address feelings he has been avoiding with sex. Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time. I suggest three to six months. It can be done. Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience. You don't have to do it perfectly.
So many of the benefits Glover lists could apply to me. Funny thing: I was thinking about this and thought, "oh, wait. I don't want to do this until after my birthday." And then I thought, "okay, Einstein...when was the last time that you had sex on or near your birthday?" Frankly, the biggest hurdle I see in this has to do with giving up MB, which has always been a physical and emotional release for me. The biggest benefit I see is breaking the dysfunction cycle, which is tied closely to the pursuing and distancing I do with my W.
