survived the night. had a good long chat with my friend last night. I've been very blessed with the support I have around me, but I really need to learn to check this stuff now. Its time. It's been nearly 5 months and I need to re-learn how to socialize without any of this crap in my life coming to the surface.
H will be here shortly and I'll be off to therapy. will try to be upbeat to H. what else can I do? I want to rant at him...I find myself picking stuff apart right now...is he ever going to get the freaking mulch? is he ever going to fix the roof of the shed? does he realize how much is on my shoulders house-wise right now???? (the answer to these questions, should you wonder, is no). I could see myself concentrating on all of this stuff, out of hurt/anger/frustration over rejection once again. hey, at least I recognize it for what it is, right?
so I'll be upbeat. will ask him how it went with his boss, because I am curious. will make sure the house is in good order before he gets here...he's total ocd about some stuff and I'm not, so tempted to not care about things that I've made strides with since the bomb, but not going to, going to keep up with it even though he doesn't care.
most importantly, I won't corner him into a big R discussion. yes, I'm still frustrated, but at the same time, why do it for him? let him be the one to. if/when I am ready to do something permanent, well, then I can do it, but I won't simply as a reaction to him.
and I'll try not to go off on him about the kids. every single day now D3/S5 tell me how much they miss him, how sad they are, how they want daddy back. they don't talk to him about this, probably because they are worried enough that he doesn't like them/they did something wrong. I'm trying to let them talk, etc, so I'm being open and willing and understanding and trying not to fix/placate when they do. they really are starting to open up about it, and I'm trying here, but omg, its hard to see your kids hurting. any parents have suggestions? I'm looking for a play therapist and have bought 2 books on helping kids deal with divorce. just having a hard time actually reading the books...its sooo not what I want that I get very choked up.
end, today's ramble.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
